Page 44 of Never Too Late

I don’t reply to her. I don’t have the energy. I just nod my head, hoping she sees me do so.

Glancing down at her hands through the corner of my eye, I notice she isn’t carrying her notebook. It’s probably due to the fact it’s dark and she wouldn’t be able to write if she wanted to. I haven’t been around Idah properly before when she isn’t writing. So, we both sit in silence, almost as though we don’t know how to speak.

“I overheard you speaking to your mum. I’m sorry, that’s how I knew you were here. I came to drop some flowers off to Lottie but overheard you speaking. Is she buried here too?” she asks. I know I should turn to acknowledge her, but looking in the face of someone else makes it all too real when I’m talking. So instead, I focus on the horizon, where the sea meets the sky.

And for the first time, I confess to somebody other than Tyler and Jae.

For once, I’m not writing my feelings on paper, but instead, I’m saying them out loud.

I take in a deep breath, running my hand through my hair. Glancing at the sunflower tattoo peeking from the sleeve of my jumper before I tell Idah everything. About Mum, how we lost her, how I feel on the inside, how I fell in love with Jae, and how I lost him.

She doesn’t reply, instead she sits in silence.

It’s almost as though she knows exactly what I need without telling her.

To anybody else, this would probably come across as being ignorant. Most people speak for a reaction, seeking an answer. But right now, in this moment, silence speaks louder than words and silence is the most comforting thing for me, for us both.

“I know about you and Jae - I mean, I know enough. I think. I haven’t asked him all the details, but I know his eyes. I recognise the loss of love in them. Exactly how I recognise it in yours, too. I see it in the way you both carry yourselves. I can hear it in your voice. I can see it in the way you carry yourself, and him too. I notice the way you search for one another, while trying to make it look as though you’re not.” She doesn’t look at me when she speaks, instead she looks through her bag, pulling out the large blanket she brought with her and draping it over both of our legs. “I felt you shivering.”

"Thank you,” I whisper.

Being around Idah feels effortless. Comforting. I understand why Jae has gotten close to her since moving here, she’s good for him.

She’s good for us both.

I hesitate to ask her about why she’s here, but as though she has sensed that I was going to ask, she speaks again.

“Lottie is buried here, my ex-girlfriend. She was how you are with Jae, to me. I guess you could say, she was my Dax.” She shrugs. “I try to come as often as I can. Sometimes, I can’t come for days.” Her voice lowers towards the end of her confession. I still don’t have the courage to look at her, but I can hear her fumbling with her side of the blanket, I can feel the tug as she loops the strings through her fingers and pulls.

When I do finally pluck up the courage, I turn my head to the right, facing the red-haired girl beside me.

“How do you do it?” I mumble. Still not wanting to give her any eye contact.

“Do what?”

“Act so strong, after everything. After losing someone?”

“I don’t know if I can say I’m strong,” she hums. “But I can say I’m coping, I think? I miss Lottie. I will never understand why what happened, happened. I will never understand her actions, and honestly, I don’t think I ever will. She’s gone. No amount of sadness, anger, or tears can bring her back. You and Jae though. That’s something different. You have something special. I notice it when he speaks about you, his eyes twinkle. He was the first real friend I made when I moved back here. He didn’t ask questions; he didn’t force friendship. He just made sure I knew he was there and that he cared.” I smile at her answer as my eyes start to water. She has explained him perfectly. The way she speaks about him is as though she’s known him for years. She’s proud. Of course she is. He has that ability to make people feel as though they’ve known him for lifetimes.

“I know something happened between the two of you, I don’t know everything, but I know enough. And the moment I mentioned his name in the café when you were unsure about who he was, I noticed the uncertainty, but beneath it, I saw the same twinkle in your eyes as his. I saw the love. People don’t realise just how much being in love wears you like a second layer of clothing. Like armour.” She pauses, taking in a deep breath. “I could feel it.” She picks up her side of the blanket, wrapping it around her shoulders instead of laying it on her knees.

“He loves you, Dax, I don’t think he ever stopped. I don’t think he could if he tried.”

That can’t be true. I’ve hurt him, there’s no way he could still love me.

I pull the edge of my sleeve to my fingertips, resisting the urge to bring it to my mouth and bite. Instead, I inhale a deep breath. “He can’t love me, Idah. I’m broken.”

“Grief doesn’t make you broken. Being depressed doesn’t make you broken either. Fuck broken. What does broken mean, anyway? Since when did that become a term to define somebody? Because in my eyes, Dax, you’re a person. You’re an inspirational, kind, loving person. And if that makes you broken, then I guess I must be broken too.” She links her arm around mine, pulling herself close to my body, leaning her head on my shoulder while I rest my head on top of hers.

Idah has such a spark in her, she could light up the night sky alone. I thought maybe I would get jealous of someone being close to Jae, and I would want to be in their place. But with her, I feel nothing but calmness, joy and ease. I judged too quickly. She’s special.

Hopefully we can be good for her too.

“What if I'm too late? What if I’m not who he wants anymore, what if the voices in my head are right, what if he really is better without me?” I bring my arm around her shoulder, pulling her in for support.

“Dax, you have a guy who is madly in love with you, begging for you to see it. Begging for you to be with him. Please, hold onto him and never let him go. I know he’s still holding on to you. And please remember, no matter how difficult things may feel, it’s never too late.”

I kiss the top of her head and pull her in closer for a hug. "Thank you.”

---