Page 43 of Never Too Late

Looking over at the clock on the unit on my right side, I notice the time looking back at me, taunting me. 2am.

I should attempt to go back to sleep.

But there’s only one place I want to go.

I decide to go talk to Mum.

Chapter twenty-four

Dax

“Remember what I said. When things get too much, you hold on tight, and you squeeze. As long as you wear the tags, I’ll always be close to your heart.”

With my body still trembling and my throat feeling sore, I take small steps down the footpath until I come face to face with the horizon. This is the longest amount of time I’ve spent away from Mum’s bench since we moved here. It made me feel inhuman, as though I had left a part of myself behind.

Taking in the scenery around me, my body feels instant relief, relaxing for the first time in days. I left the house as quietly as I could. I didn’t want to wake up Ty, since I heard him come into the house himself only a few hours ago. But I did make sure to leave him a note on the kitchen counter just in case I’m not back when he wakes up.

Worrying him is the last thing I need right now.

I shake my head in denial at the thought, whispering into the open space around me, “That’s all you ever do, Dax. He’d be better off without you. All you bring to his life is disappointment and stress. He’d be much happier if you didn’t come back. Maybe then he wouldn’t have to look after you like you’re his child instead of his brother.”

Taking a moment to appreciate the silence around me, I realise there’s no one else here, which you’d expect for three in the morning. The sun hasn’t come up yet, there’s no cars on the road, and no birds singing. I’m completely alone.

It’s eerie, in a fascinating way.

Gradually making my way to the back gate, I run my fingers through the ivy wrapped around the fence that keeps the pathway separate, ensuring people won’t walk on top of the graves. I’ve always admired the beauty of nature, especially in a place like this. A place surrounding death. It’s something I think about more than normal, but I can’t help but feel a sort of comfort knowing death is always lurking around the corner, and maybe one day I’ll be free of this perilous feeling that lives inside me.

Opening the gate and stepping through as the old hinges squeak, I come face to face with my stronghold. Mum’s bench.

“Hi, Mum, I’m sorry I haven’t been here the last few days. A lot has happened, I guess.” I laugh mirthlessly. A lot happening is an understatement when it feels like my whole world has been tipped upside down. “There’s a lot I haven’t told you, and I think you’re probably sitting shaking your head at me right now. At least I know that’s what you would do.” I drop my head into my hands, feeling anguish as I continue speaking. “I’m scared, Mum. I’m scared people don’t understand me the same way you and Tyler do. I’m scared of these thoughts I have in my head. I don’t know what they mean. I’m scared that I do things I don’t understand. I’m scared because I don’t understand myself. I’m scared I pushed away the person I love more than anything. Not only that, but I’m also scared it’s too late and he’ll never look at me the same way. I’m most afraid that I’ve caused hatred and anger at me to fester in his heart that was always soft and kind. That I’ve ruined him.” My voice isn’t much louder than a whisper by the time I have finished my speech. I pull my feet onto the bench. Wrapping one arm around my knees and bringing one hand to my neck, I squeeze my dog tags with the feeling of the cool metal pressing against my palm grounding me.

“Whenever you feel overwhelmed, you squeeze. Give all your worries to me. I’ll take them all no matter how dark, pretty boy.”

And it isn’t until I hear a cough behind me, that I notice I’m not alone.

I hesitantly turn my head, unsure of who is with me. I didn’t notice anyone when I was walking through the cemetery. I was under the impression that I was completely alone.

Who comes to a graveyard at this time in the morning anyway? I almost want to laugh at that thought and say you, obviously.

"Idah?" I say bewildered "What are you doing here?"

“Night terrors. Couldn’t get back to sleep, I didn’t know what else to do.” She shrugs. “But I could ask you the same thing.”

I let out a half-sigh, half-laugh. I’m not sure what it is. But I’m starting to realise that me and Idah are more alike than I knew.

Is that why Jae feels comfortable in her presence? Does he see the scarred parts of her and want to piece them back together like he did me?

I glance over towards her with tired eyes, sliding over to make room which she acknowledges with a gentle smile as she sits beside me without question and tucks one of her legs under her.

I try not to stare but I also find it difficult not to look. I tilt my head to the right subtly, taking a glance at her. It’s obvious she hasn’t slept. Probably obvious I haven’t slept much either. Her hair is piled on top of her head in a messy bun, she has a large, oversized jumper hanging down, almost to her knees. And I’m certain she’s still in her pyjama bottoms. She looks tired. She may hide it with a smile, but I can see what she’s hiding beneath. It’s a practised look that she perfected in the mirror, hoping to fool people into believing she’s happy.

Because she doesn’t want anyone to know how truly fragmented she is on the inside.

Everyone else may believe she’s doing fine, but I know better than that.

After all, I’m just as fragmented as her.

“It’s exquisite, isn’t it? This place holds so much agony, yet there’s something so beautiful if you look a little bit further ahead,” she mutters in a low voice.

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