Page 8 of Mia Amata

“It’s OK Mattie,” Audra said, seeming to know exactly what I was thinking.

I turned and started walking to the bedroom, yet could feel their eyes on my back. I stopped and slowly turned around to look at them all.

“I’m sorry that I don’t know how to express my feelings right now, I hope to be able to sort things out in my head, learn to trust my heart again and get better at expressing myself. I do want to say thank you, I really do appreciate everything you are doing for me. I understand the risk that you all are taking by helping me.”

Lauren spoke up, “Oh, honey, we completely understand that you will need time to learn who you are as a person, to figure out everything. Right now, let’s just focus on your health, let the rest come as it may. Take things one day at a time.”

I gave her a small smile of gratitude, went into the bedroom to change clothes, and crawl into bed. I managed to find a cute pajama set and a tank top with capri bottoms and put them on. They were a perfect fit. I looked at the bed, the TV, trying to decide what I wanted to do, sleep, watch TV, or go get the book to read some more. For some reason, this decision seemed like one of the toughest ones yet.

Why can’t I make such a simple decision like this without worrying about the consequences? Why—because I have never been allowed to make any type of decision for myself. The realization that I could pick what I wanted to do, not what I had to do—with the exception of the doctor’s orders of bed rest of course—was good in one way, yet bad in another. Good because it was part of my new freedom and bad because even though I could make decisions for myself, I didn’t know how to make them.

I stood there a while longer, staring at the bed when I made the first decision of my newfound freedom—even though it was a minor decision it felt good. I decided I was not going to choose one, I was going to pick them all! I walked out to the living room, hesitating a moment, I went and locked the door to the upstairs again. Feeling safer with it locked, I picked up the book I had been reading earlier to take it with me into the bedroom. Climbing into bed, I grabbed the TV remote and turned on the TV. This was a little overwhelming, I was fascinated by the options available to me, spending a long time flicking through channels watching a little of this show, a little of that show.

There were so many channels to choose from that did not involve sports or the types of shows Allen forced me to watch. I think I went through all the channels three or four times before finding a channel that had craft shows on it. Turning down the volume a little bit, I lay back to watch for a few minutes. The current show was a lady teaching basic sewing skills. For some reason, I found this very interesting, soon forgetting the book and intently watching the show.

I did some sewing a few years ago out of necessity, mending clothes because I had no choice, but it was something I didn’t know how to do other than that. She made it look so easy, making something from a few pieces of material and thread looked fun. It seemed like practical knowledge that someone should have.

The afternoon wore on, I found myself drifting off into a nice nap with the TV playing more craft shows. Another first for me, I was able to sleep without dreaming or being on the edge, waiting to be woken up for a beating or made to do something.

***

When I woke up an hour and a half later, it took me a few minutes to realize where I was. I had a moment of panic, thinking that I didn’t make it home in time with the groceries. I was trying to calm down when I heard a knock on the door. Audra called my name, asking if she could come down.

“Just a minute,” I called out to her, muting the TV. I get up, heading out to the stairs. I went up and unlocked the door, letting her in. We made our way down the stairs, pausing in the living area.

“Can we go in the bedroom?” Audra asked. “I brought the ultrasound machine with me.” Nodding, I led the way, sitting down on the edge of the bed. She was carrying her bag from earlier along with a couple of others. She put the bags down, taking a seat in the chair.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“I feel better. I just took a nap; didn’t realize I was so tired.” I answered.

“You will probably need a lot of rest, that is exactly what your body needs to heal right now.” She glanced at the TV, “I love this channel! Do you do any crafting?”

I shook my head, looking down in shame, “I wasn’t allowed to do anything that I wanted to do.”

“Mattie, look at me please.” I looked at her slowly, she was smiling warmly at me. “You have nothing to be ashamed of—at all.” Again, I was surprised by her warmth and understanding. How did she seem to know exactly what I was thinking or feeling at times?

She went on, “It will take time for you to get past that, I understand that, but I just want to put it out there that you have done nothing wrong.” I nodded, not knowing what to say. She looked back at the TV and said, “I love to craft, and so does Lauren, so if you see anything that interests you maybe we can help you get started with some crafts.”

“Really?” I asked. “That would be great.”

“Sure, especially when you have to be on bed rest it would help you to pass the time. Something to fight boredom,” she smiled.

“Thank you,” I said smiling back.

She looked down at the bags at her feet, saying, “I brought a couple things with me.” She reaches for the bags, pulling them closer to her chair. “When talking with Eva and Lauren before I left earlier, we decided that you should have a cell phone. I picked one up for you, it is what they call a prepaid phone. Your name is not associated with it, but you have the ability to text message and make calls. We programmed our three numbers into it for you already, so if you need anything or we want to come down, to see you, we can text each other easily.”

She handed me the phone with the instruction booklet, which I was glad to have because I did not know much about cell phones. Allen had programmed the one he allowed me to use, so I had no clue how to use them beyond the things he showed me. I didn’t want to admit there was yet something else I was clueless about.

“Thank you,” I replied, taking them from her and laying them on the bedside table next to me.

“I don’t think I need to warn you about calling anybody other than the three of us with it. Calling anyone you know from your past life with it is too dangerous,” she said sternly.

“I have no one to call. Even if there was, I would not have the numbers to call them,” I replied.

She nodded. “This will make it easier for me to check in on you to see how you are feeling between visits or let you reach out to any of us if you start not feeling well. The next thing I brought was the portable ultrasound machine from the office. I would like to do an ultrasound and see how the baby is doing and see if we can figure out how far along you are. I also brought some pregnancy and baby books for you to read if you would like.”

She pulled the books out, setting them on the bedside table also. I glanced at them, not sure yet how I felt about them. I haven’t given the pregnancy much thought yet, mainly because it didn’t feel real yet, I didn’t know how I felt about it. I think Audra knew that which is why she placed them there with little fanfare, then went straight back to her bag, pulling out the ultrasound machine.

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