Page 45 of So Smitten

“Who is the one that got away?”

Faith thought immediately of Michael, his boyish smile, the laugh he reserved only for those rare occasions when they weren’t wracking their brains to try to find some crazed killer or another, the way his face looked when he slept, completely relaxed, free of the years of accumulated stress that eventually overwhelmed even the most resilient of agents.

But that was absurd. She had been in love with Michael, it was true, but it was only a brief infatuation, a puppy love that faded almost as soon as it started.

“I don’t really have one,” she said.

“Of course you do,” West insisted, “but I won’t make you tell me who if you wish to keep that thought to yourself. Instead, I’ll tell you why Decker was important, why, I suspect, this one that got away was also important.”

“Okay,” Faith said with a wry smile. “Be my guest.”

“You, Faith Bold, are lonely. That is your defining characteristic.”

Faith felt herself recoil slightly. She had to fight to keep her voice lighthearted when she said, “Aren’t you supposed to try to make me feel better?”

“I’m supposed to help you see things as they truly are,” West said, “I’m afraid that more often than not, that involves feeling worse before one feels better. But it is absolutely necessary if you are to gain control of the emotions that now control you.”

“My emotions don’t control me,” Faith said.

"Oh yes, they do," Dr. West replied, "they control everyone. And the emotion that controls you is loneliness. I propose to you, Faith, that you chose Sergeant Decker not because he was the most handsome of the men available. In fact, I would hazard a guess that, in most cases, you would consider a man like Decker one of the least appealing options. But he liked you. He wanted you. Perhaps, in a small way, he even loved you a little. And you wanted that. For just a moment, you wanted to feel like the kind of person who could be loved. That's why you chose him."

“Doesn’t everyone want to be loved?” Faith asked.

“They do,” West replied, “but we’re not talking about everyone. We’re talking about you. You and your almost compulsive tendency to destroy every relationship you have before it can become meaningful enough to hurt you.”

Faith’s smile faded. “You’re becoming pretty meaningful right now, Doctor,” she said, putting a warning in her voice.

“Think about it, Faith. Decker liked you. He fulfilled you emotionally, however briefly. Then you left the Marine Corps and never saw him again. What’s more, you avoided scenarios where you could potentially see him.”

Faith’s brow furrowed. “How do you know that?”

“It was in your file. Your unit tracks attendees at all of its reunion events. I believe this is to curtail instances of stolen valor. Either way, you did not attend either reunion.”

Faith was speechless. She knew you could track where people were. It never occurred to her that you could track where someone wasn’t.

West took advantage of her silence and continued. “You dated your partner, Agent Michael Prince, for roughly thirteen months. Then, when you learned that he was going to invite you to move in with him, you ended things abruptly.”

“I… that wasn’t… I did… it was a mutual breakup.”

“Was it?” West asked, “I’m not so sure.”

Faith frowned. “Look, Michael’s fine. Michael even told me he doesn’t want us to get back together. He’s with Ellie now, and he’s happy. And I’m happy for him.”

“I believe you, Faith. I think, in fact, that whatever jealousy you may feel—”

“I’m not jealous.”

“—you are also relieved, because now Michael can be your friend and partner. And only that. The status quo remains the same. And I think you keep Michael closer because it hurts you more to have him close. He is living confirmation of your belief that you're not good enough, and I think that belief, that deep-down certainty that you are not enough, is what gets you out of bed in the morning. It's also what will kill you."

Faith stared ahead as the memory receded. She wasn’t sure why she remembered it now. It wasn’t directly related to the case or even to the West case aside from the fact that it was a memory of West. Why would she be recalling it now?

She fished for an answer but couldn’t find one. Next to her, Turk stirred softly in his sleep.

She looked down at him and felt a powerful surge of love. She smiled. If Faith could be said to have any man in her life she loved above all others, it was this four-legged, furry man with the kindest eyes Faith had ever seen and the personality of a dog a fourth his age.

And she had almost lost him. The second time she had gone after West, he had taken Turk from her, and for two months, Faith was certain that she would never see him again. She would never forget the hopelessness she felt when Turk was gone. She would never forget the joy she felt when he returned.

She thought of the dog fighters, the cruel men who saw these animals as nothing more than disposable violent entertainment. If any of them had hurt her dog, she would…

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