Page 98 of Blinded By Hate

I stand up from the bed and start to walk towards Hayden as he watches me and says nothing. “I can explain, what that was-”

“Who is he?” Hayden says in a low, calm voice.

I don’t know how to react to Hayden acting so calm. I’m used to the Hayden who screams and gets frustrated, who demands answers. Not this Hayden.

This one is unpredictable, I don’t know what he’ll do when he talks in a calm voice because I know Hayden is mad, I can tell by the way he is trying to conceal it.

“Hayden-”

“Who’s fucking kid is that?” Hayden says, still looking down at me as a tear finally falls from my eye.

This isn’t how I wanted to tell Hayden. This isn’t how I wanted him to find out about Junior.

But this is what I get for waiting too long.

Hayden deserves to know he has a kid. He doesn’t deserve to find out like this.

Things were going perfect but something always ends up happening, causing chaos.

And this time I am the one who caused this.

The chaos.

I lick my bottom lip before forcing out, “Yours. He’s yours.” Hayden nods his head and licks the inside of his cheek. He backs away from me and I swear I feel like someone is squeezing my heart. “I was going to tell you-”

“When? When you went on a plane back to New York, to never see me again?” Hayden says, his whole body tense as his voice gets louder. “I have a fucking kid that I never knew about and you fucking knew that!”

More tears start to fall from my eyes. “I didn’t want to tell you because I was scared!”

“Scared of what, Jaclyn? You didn’t care about my feelings that night because you’re too fucking selfish to care about anyone but yourself! That night when you left me and didn’t come back showed me that, but I didn’t give a single fuck because I still loved you! I was scared too, but did you care? No, you left me on my fucking knees to protect yourself,” Hayden yells, pointing at me before running his hands through his hair.

I cry harder.

What he’s saying, it’s true. I left to protect myself and although I did care about Hayden, I cared about myself more. What I did was shitty but like I said five years ago, the girl who went through what she went through in that room, who was going to save her? Because it sure wasn’t going to be Hayden.

“I left because I needed to heal, Hayden. I didn’t want to leave but your face was a reminder of that night. I needed to be on my own for a little while because I knew I couldn’t love you while feeling absolutely nothing.” I wipe the tears on my face. “I couldn’t love you because they took all that love and fucking killed it in that room. The only reason I’m here right now is because of that boy on the phone.”

Hayden shakes his head again. “I understand why you left me but the fact that you didn’t even tell me I had a fucking kid was fucking selfish. Because like I said, you cared too much about yourself to care about me and my feelings.”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve told you. I was going to tell you I just was scared of this reaction. I knew you’d be mad-”

Hayden cuts me off again and says, “Mad? I’m not mad, Jaclyn. I’m furious, enraged!” he says while pointing to his chest but still backing up from me. “I have a son and I didn’t know until now. I feel like absolute shit. And it’s because you didn’t care about my feelings. You fucking knew I wanted to have a family, with you out of all people but you still didn’t care to tell me I had a son.”

I shake my head, tears falling from my face as guilt makes its way through my body. My stomach feels like it's going to just drop and my heart hurts so much to the point where I think it will stop beating.

Of course I feel like shit.

I know not telling him was shitty and I should have told him before but God, I was scared. Even now, spending time with him, having sex with him, and talking to him again fucking scares me. I’m terrified that it’ll end up in chaos between Hayden and I because that’s how things always are for me.

“What’s his name?” Hayden asks, not looking at me.

“Junior. Hayden Junior Night,” I say in a quiet tone.

Hayden nods his head, runs his hands through his hair.

Next thing I know he is leaving out the door.

And then I scream with tears running down my face.

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