Page 94 of Forever and Other Lies

“You don’t know what love is.” His words should have been harsh and would have been if not followed by the next words he spoke, “I don’t either.”

“That’s not true,” she defended.

“We both know how to avoid love, but neither of us knows how to love.”

She opened and closed her mouth. The denial died as the truth of his words sank in. A bunch of different emotions assaulted her at once. Hurt, shock, humiliation. His words hurt, but she was even more shocked by the words she had spoken out loud. She had put her feelings on the line, only to be humiliated that he so easily turned her down yet again.

She should have known better.

She knew that his heart was closed off, but now she also saw the truth.

The man was without a heart.

Now she’d given hers to the one and only man guaranteed to shatter it.

She watched him walk away. She didn’t attempt to stop him.

Chapter 48

Jayna didn’t attempt to stop him. She let him walk out of her hospital room. Derek had paused just outside her door, listening to the heart wrenching sound of her crying. He’d wanted so badly to go back into her room and be the one to wipe her tears. But he wasn’t the wipe-her-tears type. His stomach had knotted as he kept walking and a couple of her tears had leaked from his eyes.

What the hell was wrong with him? He was emotionally stunted and incapable of love. He was not worthy of her.

Sitting on the soft grass, he stared moodily at the pond as the sun cast a golden hue over the still water. So many memories were wrapped up in this place. It was his childhood: this pond and the apple orchard beside it. He, Tommy, and Nick had run wild through the fields, hanging off the low branches of the apple trees, and cooling off in the pond. The air always seemed fresher here, filled with the sweet scent of ripening apples and the earthy aroma of the surrounding fields.

His eyes landed on the dog statue under the willow tree where they’d buried Albert a few months back. The black Lab Tommy had rescued from a ditch turned out to be the best dog ever. Derek could almost hear Albert’s joyful bark and see his wagging tail as he jumped into the pond after a tossed stick.

He leaned back on his elbows, staring up at the blue sky, his eyes lowering to the trees. The leaves were starting to change. Among the green were a few yellow and orange. Soon, they’d completely change color and fall to the ground. The pond would freeze over, and another magical summer would be behind him. He could already feel the crispness in the air, a reminder that time marched on indifferent to the moments it swept away.

This summer and early fall had flown by, and it was all Jayna’s fault. She had turned his life upside down. When he rushed into that cellar, he had been so frightened that he’d be too late, and he would lose her. The memory of her terrified eyes and the cold, damp walls of the cellar still haunted him. Sonny had stood over Jayna, a wild look in his eyes, holding that deadly syringe. He’d never felt such fear before. It was a bone-deep terror that gripped him and refused to let go. He’d almost lost her.

Then he reverted to his closed-off self. He pushed her away and lost her anyway.

There wasn’t much he was afraid of. Yet he was terrified of the way Jayna made him feel. He always ended things before they got too entangled, and he felt relief immediately after. But this time, there was no relief. There was just bitter regret. He should have fought for her. He should never have let her go.

However, he kept going back to the fact that he was to blame for putting her at risk. Sure, they’d only been fake dating. But he’d fallen for her. If he hadn’t been too afraid to admit his feelings to himself and her, then she would never have started dating Lance. She’d never have attracted Sonny’s attention. It was exactly what he’d done to Tommy, bailing on enlisting and sending his brother to that hell hole all alone. He wasn’t trustworthy. He couldn’t be depended on by those who loved him.

Scrubbing a hand over his face, he groaned out loud. He had nothing to offer Jayna, but a broken shell of a man. He may present to the world this overly confident, fearless man. But he was too afraid to open his heart. He truly had nothing to offer Jayna; he’d just hurt her more.

That’s what he did. He hurt the people who loved him, disappointing them time and again. Jayna had already suffered enough; he didn’t need to add to her pain.

A dog barked and pounced on him. “Hey Norbert. I am so sorry you were given such a stupid name.” He scratched the dog’s ears, feeling a small flicker of joy at the familiar companionship.

“It’s not a stupid name.” Tommy sat beside him. “Why are you sitting here looking like the sky is about to fall?”

Derek shot his brother an annoyed glance. “Just sitting here. There’s no sky falling.”

“Are you constipated, then?”

“No! I’m enjoying the peace and quiet.” In reality though, the quiet made his thoughts louder, more insistent.

“Mom has Dulcolax if you need it.”

“I’m not constipated!” Derek growled. “Is there a reason you’ve decided to ruin my chill?”

“No, it’s just fun,” Tommy said, squeezing his knee. “I hear you’re a hero.”

“Hardly.”

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