Page 61 of Return to You

His head shook back and forth. “He’s gone. Heart attack.”

“I’m so sorry.” She continued toward him and when she was within arms distance he reached out and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him and hugging her waist.

“I’m so sorry.” His cheek was pressed against her belly as she ran her hands through his hair. She started to ask if he was okay, but stopped herself. After losing her brother she hated when people asked her that. So instead she just repeated, “I’m sorry.”

She hadn’t found out that George was sick until about a year ago. But since that day, she’d wondered how Kade would take it. Their relationship had always been so volatile. She didn’t know the extent of the abuse that Kade had endured but Patrick had told her it was bad. Really bad.

He held her for a few minutes before dropping his arms and scrubbing his hands over his face. She sat beside him and rubbed his back, not knowing the right words to say, or if there even were any. She just wanted him to know that she was there.

“He left me this.” Kade pointed at the screen.

“What is it?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “A message to me. Nancy said he recorded it when he was diagnosed.”

“Have you watched it?” George’s face was frozen on the screen but she wasn’t sure if it was over or just starting.

“Yeah.” His back deflated beneath her touch as he exhaled. “A few times.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“My mom died.” Kade cleared his throat and she saw that his eyes grew watery.

“Your mom?” The only thing Ali knew about Kade’s mom was that she’d left him when he was little.

“Yeah. She didn’t just go to work and not come home. She was killed.”

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry.” Ali’s chest constricted painfully with grief for Kade.

He stared at the screen blankly. “She was working late. My dad was supposed to go pick her up, but he was at the studio and lost track of time. So she walked.” A single tear slid down his cheek, he made no move to wipe it. “She never made it home. They found her early the next morning.”

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry, Kade.” Tears were now falling down Ali’s cheeks.

Kade’s tone was flat as he relayed, “He said he didn’t know how to tell me so he didn’t. He thought me thinking she was gone and not coming back was better. It worked for a couple years, but when I got a little older and I guess I started asking other people questions about her, so he packed us up and moved us here.”

“I don’t even know what to say…” Ali was trying to wrap her mind around how it would feel to have such a huge part of your life, your identity, be a lie. She’d never known her dad, but at least she hadn’t had a story that she thought was one thing and then it turned out to be another.

“My dad said that every time he saw me the guilt would eat him up inside. He never forgave himself for not being there and I reminded him of that. He was angry. He hated himself. So he drank. And then sometimes he took out his anger on me. That would just add to his guilt, so he’d drink some more. And it just kept going on like that. It was a vicious cycle.” Kade wiped his hands over his face again. “He said he was sorry for making my life hell. He said that he was proud of me and that he loved me even though he was too fucked up to show it. And he said that he was going to get sober and stay sober until the cancer killed him. He said it was his penance for what a monster he’d been.”

Kade stood and ejected the tape from the VCR. “And I think he actually did it. I don’t think he picked up a bottle again.” Kade let out a harsh chuckle. “But I think it took a lot longer for him to die than he was bargaining for.”

Ali watched silently, unsure of what to say, as he put another tape in the player.

He sat back down at an angle so he was facing Ali. “Nancy gave me the tape. She was his sponsor and he told her to give it to me after…”

Ali nodded, knowing how hard it was to say the word.

“When I got back here, I remembered the old VCR that you guys had. I dug it out and there was a tape in it. A home movie that Patrick took at one of the twins’ birthdays. Have you seen it?”

“No, I don’t think so,” she said as she shook her head. When the boys were little Patrick was always recording them on an old camcorder her granddad had, but she hadn’t watched much of the footage.

“There’s a part I want to show you. Do you want to see it?”

“Sure.” She watched videos of Patrick that she’d taken on her phone all the time because she didn’t want to forget his voice. His smile. His mannerisms. Watching him made her feel like he was still around. The twins couldn’t watch recordings of their dad but it helped her.

The video started playing but Kade rewound it for a few seconds and then pressed play. Kade and Ali were on the screen. They were in the backyard and it looked like they were arguing about something, but there was no sound because it was being filmed through a window in the house. Her arms were waving animatedly and Kade was smirking.

“Do you remember what I was mad about?”

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