Page 23 of Fragments of You

“Don’t do what?”

“Pretend like you still know me. I can promise you, you don’t.”

“Fair enough.” He doesn’t try to argue otherwise, probably figuring he shouldn’t press his luck. “I need to start this by saying that I’ve never stopped loving you.”

“Nash...” I croak, all the air leaving my lungs in an instant like someone has just pierced me with a pin and deflated me.

“I know it doesn’t change anything. Just let me say this, okay?” He waits for my nod before continuing. “I’ve never stopped loving you. Not for a single second. I meant what I said earlier; not a day went by when I didn’t feel the loss of you everywhere. I was so convinced that doing right by you was the most important thing, that I didn’t stop to think about how badly my leaving would hurt you. I mean, I knew it would hurt you. I just never imagined... What Iris told me... How bad it got for you...” He trails off. “I can’t apologize enough. But had I stayed, I promise you, I would have hurt you far worse.”

“Somehow, I doubt that.” I force the words past my too-dry throat.

“When you learn the truth, I think you’ll see that while maybe my methods weren’t the best, I truly was just looking out for you.”

“By abandoning me?”

“By sparing you.” His expression grows somber. “There were things about me I had kept hidden from you. Things I was so ashamed by, I couldn’t admit them out loud to anyone.”

“Not even me?”

“Especially not you. Because your opinion of me meant the most.”

“Just say it, Nash. Whatever it is, just say it. The damage has already been done. You’ve got nothing to lose now.”

“If only that were true...” He falls silent for a brief moment, like he’s mentally preparing himself for what he will say next. “I’m an addict, P.”

“What do you mean you’re an addict?” I don’t even touch on the name thing. At this point, there are bigger things at play than what he calls me.

“You know I drank a lot. More than any teenager should. But what you don’t know is it wasn’t just alcohol. I mean, it was at first, but eventually, not even that was enough. I started buying pills off Pete and Derek. When I could no longer afford the pills, they offered me a more affordable option.” He glances out at the water like he can’t bear to look at me anymore. “I started using heroin midway through senior year. At first, it was just to take the edge off, but eventually, I felt consumed by it.”

“If that’s true, how did I not know?” My question brings his gaze back to me.

“I think deep down you did. You knew something was going on with me, something was different. But you, P, you always saw the best in me, and I think you just couldn’t let yourself believe that I would do something like that.”

“Your dad... Things got really bad. You said you had it under control. But you weren’t talking about your dad when you said that, were you?” Small pieces start to fall into place.

He shakes his head slowly.

“Okay, so you started using drugs. That doesn’t explain why you left. Why you didn’t just tell me the truth. I could have helped you.”

“That’s the thing, P. You couldn’t have helped me. No one could. Not until I was ready to help myself. And I was determined there was no way in hell I was going to drag you down with me.”

“Where have you been the last four years?” I finally ask the question I should have asked the second I arrived.

“In Tennessee.”

“Why Tennessee?”

“It wasn’t Georgia. I had to put enough separation between us that I couldn’t easily get back to you if I had a moment of weakness. So I found a free rehab program in Knoxville, and that’s where I went the morning I left. I took a bus straight to Knoxville and was checked into rehab before the day was over.”

I try to keep my reeling mind focused on one thing at a time, but I have so many questions they overwhelm me.

“That doesn’t explain why you were gone for so long,” I say after a long beat. “You didn’t even come home for your own father’s funeral.”

“Why would I? He’s the piece of shit who got me into this mess. I’m glad he’s gone.”

I know he’s angry, but I don’t think he truly means that. Or maybe he does. I really couldn’t say anymore.

“Besides, I said I checked myself into rehab, not that I stayed there.”

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