Page 19 of Fragments of You

But as I stare down at him, the boy I loved turned into a man I no longer know, I’m struck by how familiar it feels to be here, looking out the window at him like all the times before. Only this is nothing like it was back then—I have to remind myself.

When he leans down and picks up another pebble, I quickly move to open the window for no other reason than I’m concerned he might actually break the glass this time.

“What are you doing?” I hiss, careful to keep my voice low.

“Come down,” he half whisper, half shouts. The familiarity of this situation is unnerving.

“Go away, Nash. You’re not welcome here.”

“Should I knock on the door instead? See if that’s really the case.” He tries to call me on my bluff.

While it’s true my parents were upset with the way he left and how utterly devastated I was by it, they’ve never stopped caring about him. It would be almost the same as if I abruptly left. Even if a decade had passed, they would still welcome me back with open arms. I have no doubt that for him, they would do the same. He was almost as much their child as I am.

I used to love that fact. Now, I hate it. I hate it so much that it’s made me almost resentful of my parents—my mom specifically. Like why can’t she despise him as much as I do? He deserves it.

So why does everyone still love him so damn much after what he did?

Why do I?

The thought is enough to make me want to hurl myself out of this window, not because I want to die—the fall wouldn’t kill me anyway—but so that the physical pain could overshadow the emotional pain, even if just for a brief moment.

“That’s what I thought.” He gives me a smug smile.

Luckily for me, my parents aren’t home right now, so this is a non-issue anyway. He can be as smug as he wants. I’m not going out, and he sure as hell isn’t coming in.

“I don’t want you here.” I make myself more clear.

“Just come down, P. We need to talk.”

“The time for talking was four years ago. Please leave.”

“I’m not leaving until we have a chance to speak. Stop acting like a child and come down.”

“A child?” I bark. “You left for four fucking years.” He grimaces at my language. He’s not used to hearing my curse. For some reason, this gives me a sliver of satisfaction, so I do it again. “If anyone is the fucking child here, it’s you!”

“P...”

“Don’t call me that. My name is Paisley!”

“Please, Paisley.” He accentuates my name. “I’m only asking for five minutes of your time. If, after those five minutes, you don’t ever want to see me again, then you won’t. You have my word on that.”

“You gave me your word before, and then you broke it.” I try to keep my tone even so as to not let him see how badly this truth still stings.

“If you will give me a chance to explain...”

“Why should I?” I cut him off. “You don’t deserve it.”

“You’re right, I don’t. But I think I can make you understand.”

“Understand how you just abandoned me as if I meant nothing!” My voice shoots up an octave, my emotion boiling to the surface no matter how forcefully I try to keep it at bay. I press my palms to the windowsill in an effort to steady myself. “I don’t care what you say. There is no excuse or explanation that you could give me that would make this okay.”

“Maybe not. But after all this time, I feel the least I can do is give you the truth. Isn’t that what you want? To know why I left. To know how there hasn’t been a day since then that I haven’t thought about you. That I haven’t fallen asleep wishing I could be with you. That I haven’t woken up with a knife in my fucking chest knowing that you were better off without me.”

His words hit me like an ocean wave, pulling me out into the current. I struggle to fight against it, but the ocean is powerful. Too powerful for any one soul to fight alone. And yet somehow, by the grace of God, I am able to keep myself afloat.

“Five minutes, Paisley.” He’s careful to use my full name, even though it sounds foreign on his tongue. I can’t remember a time he ever actually called me that. I’ve always just been P. And I used to love that he called me that. “You need to know the truth before you marry him.”

“So that’s why you’re here. It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Felix.”

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