Page 42 of Fragments of You

“Can I...” I gesture to the open door he’s still standing in.

“It’s a mess in there,” he says, stepping fully onto the porch, letting the door fall closed behind him with a screech. “We can sit over here.” He moves to one of two chairs that sit just a few feet from the door, slowly lowering himself into it before gesturing to the one next to him.

I hesitate for a brief moment before climbing the two remaining steps.

“What do you have there?” His eyes fall to the box in my hand as I take a seat next to him, thankful that there’s a good three feet between the two chairs, giving me a little room to breathe.

“We’ll get to that.” I nervously tap on the sides of the box. “I, uh, I want to start by saying I’m sorry about Felix. He never should have used me to hurt you. That was unfair, and I apologize for his actions.”

“Don’t do that.” He shakes his head. “Don’t apologize for him. That’s his job, not yours.”

“Regardless, I’m sorry just the same. This situation... It’s not been easy to navigate, and I feel like that’s partly my fault because ever since you returned, I’ve been distracted, and that’s not been fair to Felix. He’s only acting out because he feels threatened by your return.”

“As he should,” he grunts.

“No, he shouldn’t. Because you left, and in your absence, I fell in love with him. I agreed to marry him, knowing that one day you might come back. I chose him anyway. Your return hasn’t changed the way I feel about him, but it has complicated things. I can’t deny that. Which brings me to why I’m here. You and me...” I gesture between the two of us. “We ended the day you left. We’ve been over for four years. And in those four years, I found a way to live without you. I intend to keep living without you.”

“P...”

“Just let me get this out, okay?” I stop him before he can say anything. “For twelve years of my life, you were my everything, the sun that gave light to my entire world. I loved you more completely than I ever dreamed it was possible to love someone. And I still love you today. I have no doubt that I will love you until the day I die, but my world orbits a new star now. There is no going back for us, Nash. The people we were, we’re not them anymore.”

“But we could be,” he softly interjects, his intense blue eyes burning holes into mine like he can see right through me.

“No, we can’t. The girl I was, she died the day you left. And the boy you were, I know he’s gone too. Maybe there are traces of him still in there somewhere, but when I look at you, I don’t see the love of my life. I see the loss of it.”

“The things I did, you have to understand...”

“I do. I understand better than you probably realize. I know the things you did, the person you had to become to survive, that none of them were really you, and I’m so sorry that you were suffering so greatly and you didn’t feel like you could come to me, but I now realize that none of that was my fault. Maybe it wasn’t either of our faults. Maybe this was just supposed to be our destiny all along.”

“I don’t believe that. We are not products of fate or destiny.”

“No, but we are products of our choices, and no matter why you chose the path you did, the fact of the matter is, you still chose it. You chose to numb your pain with drugs and alcohol, and no matter how much you might regret that today, it was still a choice you made. You didn’t give me a choice. I didn’t get a say in any of it because you cut me out, and then you abandoned me. We were supposed to be a team.”

“I was trying to—”

“Don’t say you were trying to protect me because, at the end of the day, we both know that isn’t true. You were ashamed, you were scared, and that cowardice is why we’re here today.”

“You’re right,” he admits, looking down at his hands, which are knotted in his lap like it’s taking everything in him to stay seated. “I was scared and I ran away. I had delusionally convinced myself that I was sparing you when, in reality, I was only sparing myself. I realized very quickly that you were the glue that held my broken parts together, and without you, I was in shambles, which only made me more desperate to numb the pain. I did so many unspeakable things...” I can feel the crack in his voice in my very bones, the pain of it searing my insides. “But the worst thing I ever did was leave you. I regretted it the moment I left, and I’ve regretted every day that has followed. But I’m here now. I’m trying to make up for everything I put you through.”

“You can’t, though. You can’t just show up here after four years, wave a magic wand, and suddenly the years of agony I lived in just disappear. Those years changed me, Nash. Some days I’d look in the mirror and not even recognize the broken, pathetic girl looking back at me. You can’t undo that, no matter how much you wish you could.”

“Maybe not. But we can start over. Forge a new path together. I have to believe there’s still a way for us.” He leans forward, and for a brief moment, I think he’s going to reach for me.

I’m equal parts relieved and disappointed when he doesn’t.

“There isn’t.” It physically pains me to say. “You are my past. Felix is my future.”

“Felix doesn’t deserve you. You don’t know him like I do.”

“You’re wrong because you don’t know him at all. Sure, you did once upon a time, but you and I are not the only people who have changed. Losing his mom, then you, he’s not the same person he was.”

“If that’s true, then why is he still lying to you?”

“You know nothing about our relationship, so don’t pretend you have any idea what I know or don’t know.”

“I know that if you knew the truth, you wouldn’t still be with him.”

“Whatever you’re referring to, whatever he did before he and I were together, it holds no bearing on us today.” I stand strong, even though a part of me is desperate to know what he could possibly be referring to.

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