Page 101 of Can We Just Be Happy Now?

Was that the football game where Dean told Cooper that JT was my boyfriend? Anger flames inside me, mad at my brother even though I have no right to be. I would have misunderstood too, and it’s not like I’ve ever really been open with him.

When I got back from Honduras with my family, you were the first person I wanted to see. I remember you sitting on the bench outside of the library waiting for me, and I thought to myself Maybe if I just tell her the truth, she’ll wait for me. You were so excited to hear about my trip, and you were the only person I wanted to talk about it with. But I knew I couldn’t tell you without telling you, without lying. So, I said nothing.

The first party you came to at my house was hours after I had booked my flight and committed to leaving. I ignored you the entire time, wanting to prove to myself I would be okay when we weren’t together anymore. I felt so unsettled all night until I was with you. I wanted you to ask me to stay, but I couldn’t even bring myself to tell you I was leaving. You told me you liked me. It was the first time it occurred to me that I might love you.

As soon as I saw you on New Year’s Eve, I knew it was time to tell you. I was going to tell you. But then you had so much doubt that I wanted you there I couldn’t stand it. I pulled you to me, and I didn’t want to tell you I was leaving anymore. I wanted to beg you to come with me.

When I made you leave school on the day I told you . . . God, Maci, I’ve never felt more connected to anyone than I did with you on that day, in every moment I’ve spent with you since I saw you in that gold dress on Halloween. When you went to the bathroom after the last time we had sex, I almost canceled my flight. You came back and crawled into my arms wearing my T-shirt and you looked so happy. I didn’t want to break your heart, but I knew if I didn’t, I would break it later, and it would be even worse.

I know all these reasons don’t make it better that I didn’t tell you, but I needed you to know anyway. This has never been about me lying to you or trying to lead you on. This was about me being selfish and trying to hold onto you as long as I could. I had to leave because you deserve more than that, more than I can give you.

I hope someday I can be the man you need, the man you deserve. If I can’t, all I want is for you to be happy, Maci.

*scribbled out line*

Dean

With the edges of the paper pinched between my fingers, I reread the letter. Thoughts of Cooper fade from my mind, replaced by a rush of emotion hitting me as if this belonged to a love story I was invested in. By the time I get to the end again, I’m crying, my tears falling in big splotches on the paper, causing the ink to bleed. I’m not a hundred percent sure what this is, but the love I feel coming from it is not something I ever expected from my brother. It’s a side of him I’ve never seen. I have to know more.

Putting the letter and drawer back in their places, I change into my yellow bikini, sliding my shorts over top and making the five minute walk on the sun-warmed sand.

When I reach the paddle and surf board shack where Dean works, he’s closing the door behind him. He turns when my shadow crosses the sand next to him. “Oh, hey, Soph. I was just coming home. Did you want to surf?” I know I haven’t made the most of my time here so far, but Dean has dragged me out onto the water a few times, and I’ve managed to catch a few waves.

“Umm. Actually, I was hoping we could talk. But we can do it out there.” I point to the calm water with a perfect cotton candy sky backdrop.

“Yeah, sure.” He pulls two boards from the rack, handing me one.

When we’ve paddled out past where the waves break, I sit on my surfboard, letting a foot dangle on either side in the clear ocean water. The soothing sounds of the ocean calm me as my brother mimics my position. His hair has grown and lightened since I last saw him a year ago, but his dark eyes are familiar as they catch my gaze.

“Do you want to talk about why you’re here?” he asks. There isn’t any judgment in his voice. Dean and I have always gotten along, but we’ve never had the kind of siblingship where we truly open up about things. I think it’s because we’re over three years apart, so it’s hard to relate when you’re younger. Last year when he was a college senior and I was a freshman was the first time we really hung out as friends and that was only for a quarter since he graduated early. I think he wanted to keep an eye on me, but he had no idea the kind of things that I got into. I didn’t want to bother him with it or worry him. I definitely didn’t want concern for me to keep him home from Costa Rica. I know he would have stayed back if he felt I needed babysitting.

“I don’t know where to start,” I admit. There’s too much I’ve kept from him, from everyone, but now that we’re both older, I think we might be able to relate more than I’ve thought in the past. I don’t know what’s been going on with him either, and maybe it’s time to change that.

“We’ve got nowhere to be, so start at the beginning.”

I take a breath. “Okay. Can I ask you something first?”

“Yes.”

“Do you believe in soulmates?”

“Yes,” he says with confidence, and it surprises me since it seems he’s given up hope on Maci.

“Do you think yours is Maci?” I ask quietly, hoping not to upset him.

An emotion not quite but similar to pain washes over him. “Yeah, I do.”

“I read your letter,” I admit.

His eyes snap to mine, filled with anger. But the emotion washes away with the next subtle flow of the water. “You shouldn’t have read that.” He sighs.

“Has she read it?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

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