Page 19 of A Leaner Meaner Midlife

It was a tall order, but I had no plan to lose.

I’d taken the liberty of sleeping in until eight. The castle wasn’t open for tours until ten. Gideon grabbed a quick shower then slipped out to get coffee. It was difficult to get up. The bed was heavenly. However, sleeping wouldn’t get Tory, Gram and Mr. Jackson back. And it definitely wouldn’t bring about Micky Muggles’ demise. After a shower and some clean sweats, I was ready to face the day.

“What the hell?” I muttered as I walked down the stairs and saw a room full of strangers eating donuts.

It didn’t scare me. It was just unsettling. Although, most of my life since I had turned forty was unsettling…

“Taa-daa,” Candy shouted, still looking like herself.

The rest of our crew… not so much. Ironically, I recognized everyone even though they looked nothing like they did last night. I could feel their essence. Lura Belle, Jolly Sue and Dimple were now teenage girls—somewhere between twelve and fifteen. Each wore jeans, brightly colored sweaters and tennis shoes. They were no longer sporting designer duds. They no longer had gray hair and sensible leather pumps. The three gals were grinning from ear to ear, admiring each other and gobbling down donuts.

Tim looked like a sweet old man around eighty. He wore chinos, a button-down with a cardigan and sensible shoes. Normally, he was forty-ish and always dressed in his mail uniform. Immortals could choose their age. Most of them chose upper thirties to early fifties that I’d come across. My real age was forty, and I’d felt every year of it lately.

Jennifer was the counterpart to Tim—eighty-ish and adorable. In real life, my buddy was sixty-five and had over-Botoxed her face until you couldn’t tell if she was pissed or happy. Her new beau, the kind and wonderful Sheriff Dip Doody, had convinced her to stop all that crap. She didn’t need it. She was beautiful without chemical help. Today, she was full of wrinkles and had a nice neat gray bun at the nape of her neck. Her house dress was a colorful muumuu and of course, she wore sensible shoes.

Gabe, who was normally drop-dead handsome, could have easily gotten lost in a crowd. Last night, he was tall, blond and gorgeous. Right now, he was short with dull brown hair and a mustache. He wore jeans, work boots and a plain beige flannel shirt. He paced the room and kept glancing at his watch. My brother was raring to go.

Everyone so far seemed fine with their new visages. Dirk, Wally, Fred and Carl were very happy.

The queens were flipping their shit. All four of the Horsemen were now women—quite attractive ladies around forty. They were clad in trendy, yet understated preppy outfits. They wore soccer-mom hair-dos and subtle makeup. While the look was slightly alarming due to being used to their over-the-top flamboyance, it was nothing compared to what they were doing.

All four had their hands on their boobs and were squeezing with unabashed delight. Wally cried tears of joy. Fred—in between squeezes—bounced up and down in front of the foyer mirror. Carl circled the room muttering the word boobs over and over. Dirk had stripped down to his bra and shimmied, making his newly found C-cups come dangerously close to exiting his undergarment.

“Umm… guys,” I said in my outdoor voice to break through the boob frenzy. “Get the knocker fondling out of your system. That behavior isn’t going to fly in public”

They heeded my advice and groped themselves with urgency. It was both funny and disturbing. Whatever. Our lives were dangerous. Our survival unsure. We’d all clearly learned to grab some happiness where we could get it. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse just grabbed with a little more gusto than the rest.

I turned to face the love of my life. He looked disgruntled, and it was all I could do not to laugh.

Gideon, who appeared to be around fifty, was dumpy and very nondescript. His shirt was tucked into his pants, revealing a gut. My Greek God of a partner had let himself go—or rather, Candy had let him go. The Grim Reaper was sporting a Dad Bod, or Father Figure, to be more accurate. His normally thick blond hair was dishwater brown and receding. It was bizarre. Strangely, I was still attracted to dumpy, hair-challenged Gideon.

“Dude,” I said with a laugh as I looked him up and down. “Hot.”

He rolled his eyes and handed me a coffee. “I’ll get Candy Vargo back for this eventually.”

I had no doubt he would. Payback was a bitch.

“I’m ready for my disguise,” I told Candy.

She gave me a thumbs up and handed me a toothpick. “I figured you’d be the mom to the dumb-dumbs and Gideon is the dad.”

“Who does that make everyone else?” I asked, scared of what she was about to make me look like.

“Don’t matter,” she replied. “We’re too many people. I suggest that the fuckin’ titty ticklin’ crew stay here and protect Jennifer. We’ve got maps and we know where we’re goin’. Plus, it don’t look like they’re gonna stop twistin’ their tatas for a good long while.”

I spared a quick glance at the queens. They were still going to town. Candy had made a good point.

“I agree with that,” Tim chimed in. “I shall ride with you to the castle, but stay in the minivan. I’ve rigged it with satellite Wi-Fi so I can do any research or get in touch with backup if we need it.”

“I like the way you think, mailman,” Candy told him. “Gabe and I will pose as a couple.”

Gabe winced and closed his eyes. His relationship with Candy was kind of iffy. He, Prue, Abby and Rafe had been eaten by Candy centuries ago. Granted, they’d tried to destroy her on Zadkiel’s dastardly orders, and she’d apparently done what she had to do, being that she had been legless and armless at the time. To this day, I couldn’t comprehend how my siblings were actually alive. The logistics were mind-boggling and stomach-churning. Part of me itched to ask the particulars, but my sense of self-preservation and my dislike of throwing up stopped me. Some things were better left unsaid.

Gabe finally spoke. His voice was tight, and the tone was flat. “Fine. Will Tory recognize me?”

“Yeah,” Candy said. “She might not recognize the rest of us, but she will know you no matter the visage.”

Gabe gave her a curt nod of thanks.

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