Page 18 of A Leaner Meaner Midlife

“All of ‘em,” Jennifer answered, kissing the head of a duck wearing rain boots and carrying an umbrella. “To me, they’re the most beautiful ugly crap I own. Every single one is named, Baby in honor of my grandpappy—Hula Baby, Poker Baby, Sequin Baby, Salt and Pepper Baby. Kept them in the boxes until I got ownership of this house in my first divorce. Signed the paperwork for it on the very same date my grandpappy was born. Felt it was fitting to celebrate the hilarious old coot by displaying the ducks.”

“Fierce!” Wally said. “I know your grandpappy is smiling down from the Light.”

“Oh yesssssssss!” Fred exclaimed. “And this abode is to die for.”

“You got it in your divorce?” Carl inquired.

“Yep,” she confirmed. “Davis Braxton McNettles the Third—that cheating son of a bitch—was loaded. Trust fund loser,” Jennifer commented wryly. “But even with a miniscule pecker, that asshole got around.”

“Darling,” Dirk said, checking himself out in the foyer mirror. “I’m surprised you married a man with a pocket-sized penis.”

Jennifer shrugged. “Me too. But the microscopic shlong slinger made me laugh… until he didn’t. Got married my junior year at UK. Stupid move, but hindsight is 20/20. That diminutive dick banged my entire sorority house. I was the last to know. He even banged the House Mother. She was seventy at the time. Live and learn.” She chuckled as she looked around. “Took him to the cleaners. He deserved it.”

“Well done,” Lura Belle said, seating herself on the couch. “The egg-slinging, knotty-pated miscreant got what he deserved.”

“Amen to that,” Jennifer said. “Should I order up some food?”

I checked my watch. It was almost one in the morning. “No, it’s really late. I think we should get some sleep.”

“And when we wake up?” Gabe pressed, looking tense, but holding it together.

“We get our disguises on and take a tour of the place,” I replied evenly.

“Solid,” Candy Vargo announced, tucking a duck under her arm. “I have a plan to get the humans off the premises.”

“The plan?” Gideon asked.

She eyed the Grim Reaper with a naughty smirk. “Questions are free. The answers might cost ya.”

Gideon’s eyes narrowed dangerously. The Keeper of Fate wasn’t fazed.

“I’m not tellin’,” she said with a wide grin.

“Oh my goodness,” Tim said with a worried expression. “I don’t like the sound of that.”

Neither did I. I wondered if a bullhorn or being naked was involved. “No humans will die, correct?”

“No humans will die,” she confirmed then walked out of the living room and up the stairs to find a bedroom to sleep in.

That was as good as it was going to get this evening. We’d find out what the Keeper of Fate had up her sleeve soon enough. I made a mental note for everyone to have earplugs on hand just in case.

“Jennifer, should we just find somewhere to sleep, or do you want to assign rooms?” I asked, yawning. I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in a long time. Thankfully, Immortals could go quite a while without rest. But as a former human, I loved sleeping.

“Just go on up,” she said, pointing to the stairs. “A few of the rooms have bunks and the others have king-sized beds. As long as y’all don’t mind sharing, there should be plenty of room.”

“Sounds like a plan, girlfriend,” Dirk announced as he and the queens made their exit.

Tim, Gabe, Jennifer and the old gals followed them up.

“You ready for some shut-eye?” Gideon asked, taking my hand in his.

“So ready,” I told him.

Right now, cuddling up to my gazillion-year-old fiancé and grabbing a few hours of rest sounded as good as the vacation I had planned.

One step at a time.

Sleep. Get disguised. Find out Candy Vargo’s plan. Tour the Kentucky Castle. Take Micky Muggles out for good while saving Tory, Gram and Mr. Jackson.

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