Page 11 of A Leaner Meaner Midlife

“Girlfriend,” Fred said, sashaying over and taking my hand. “Don’t worry your gorgeous little head about the brave and oft-married Jennifer. We shall ride our horses to Lexington, Kentucky and protect her.”

My eyes widened. “Umm… not sure that’s a great plan. Kind of conspicuous. I mean, four drag queens on horses is pretty noticeable.”

“Dollface has a point,” Dirk said, tossing the long locks of his wig over his broad shoulders. “Maybe we should drive.”

“Fabulous!” Carl squealed.

“Wait,” I said, holding up a hand. “Do any of you know how to drive? Do any of you have a driver’s license?”

“What’s that?” Wally inquired, confused.

I groaned. The guys didn’t carry money. They pilfered items when they went shopping. Why I thought they might have driver’s licenses was beyond me.

Tim closed his laptop with a snap. “I have an idea,” he announced.

“Speak, mail boy,” Candy Vargo commanded.

Tim tucked his computer into his mailbag and pulled a pad of paper and pen from one of his many pockets. He jotted as he spoke. “Heather, Prue, Abby and Rafe shall stay here and protect Missy, Amelia and June.”

“Likin’ it so far,” Candy said.

I rolled my eyes. So far, this wasn’t much of a plan.

Tim continued. “The minivan seats eight comfortably with room for small suitcases in the back. I’d suggest that Gideon, Daisy, Candy, Gabe, Lura Belle, Jolly Sue, Dimple and Jennifer ride in the van. I shall follow behind in my mail truck with Dirk, Fred, Wally and Carl.”

“Will our horses fit in the mail truck?” Dirk inquired.

“Umm… no,” Tim replied much to the disappointment of the Four Horsemen. “Even though Lexington, Kentucky is the horse capital of the world, I think that if you ride your oversized stallions through the streets of town, we might end up incarcerated.”

“Interesting,” Carl said. “Humans are such an odd and judgmental crew.”

I agreed with Carl’s statement about humans, but agreed more with Tim’s opinion that the horses should be left behind. “A bigger group will make it more difficult to stay under the radar. Micky Muggles knows all of us. If he feels backed into a corner, there’s no telling what the asshole will do.”

“One,” Tim said, holding up a finger. “He has no ass at the moment. The Nephilim removed it with their teeth.”

“Sure did,” Lura Belle crowed, pumping her bony fists above her head.

Dimple and Jolly Sue just nodded and gagged.

“Two,” Tim continued. “There is no reason at all that we have to look like ourselves.”

Candy Vargo laughed. “Point for the mail fucker. Not sayin’ he fornicates with the mail. I meant it in a nice way.”

I gritted my teeth together. “Candy, you should probably stop talking.”

“Roger that,” she replied.

I turned to Tim who wasn’t the least bothered by his buddy Candy’s foul mouth. “Can you be more specific?” I asked. The Immortals were cryptic, but Tim usually came through with an answer I could understand.

Tim smiled and nodded. “Daisy, if you recall, Candy Vargo altered her appearance when we were dealing with the police whilst breaking into Agnes’ house. She went from sloppy and somewhat normal looking—albeit beautiful—to sloppy and somewhat rotund. Of course, still lovely.”

“Rotund is fuckin’ polite. I was over five hundred pounds,” Candy said with a chuckle. “But that bein’ said… and thank you, Tim, for recognizing my hotness at any size, I can make us all rotund and unrecognizable. No worries there.”

I did recall what Tim was talking about. Rotund was putting it mildly. While disguises would be smart, I wasn’t as sure if we should all be over five hundred pounds.

“How long will the disguises hold?” Gideon asked.

I gave him a quick glance. Did he seriously think this was a good idea?

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