Page 82 of Bad Professor

“You’ll have moved on.”

But I don’t. I know I can’t forget Tilly that easily.

46

Tilly

One day at a time.

One week at a time.

Time passes, and it goes by more quickly than I expected. Being busy helps; I take a part-time consulting job with BOMB Bros games, similar to what I did before the girls were born.

In the evenings, I write. I start with journalling and move to short stories. It’s cathartic for me and helps me sort out the confusion in my mind, about Dexter and Carlos.

Yes, I spent the holidays with him. Yes, it was incredibly awkward seeing him with Heidi, but the girls loved having me around. We went swimming and snorkelling and spent days lounging by the pool.

I did not enjoy answering questions about Dexter and why he didn’t come.

Telling the girls that we broke up was even more difficult than telling them about the divorce because, even though they were upset that their father and I were splitting up, they hadn’t been that surprised. Children notice more than you give them credit for. They heard the fighting late at night, saw the tension.

With Dexter, they met him and saw how happy we were. And then he was gone.

It was confusing for all.

I would have loved to have Dexter with me, but I do all I can to convince Carlos he’s no longer part of my life.

It’s the only way to make sure Carlos doesn’t contact the university and tell them about our relationship. It would only be his word against ours, but I won’t take that chance.

I miss Dexter so much.

But more than that—I miss the me I am when I’m with him. The week with Carlos has shown me that I’ve changed drastically since I was married to him, and I don’t want to go back to that person. I can’t.

But I do everything I can to convince my ex-husband I’m still the woman he married, all while I make plans to change my life.

The job is a big start; so is looking for a new apartment, one that I don’t need Carlos’s help to pay the rent.

For the first time in almost twenty years, I’m doing something for myself.

It took a few weeks before I realized that while I was disappointed that Dexter kept the truth of his past a secret from me, it was really Carlos that I was still so angry with. I never had a chance to express the depths of what his infidelity did to me. Yes, the marriage was far from perfect, but I had been committed. Carlos had never shared that commitment.

I let myself be angry, truly furious, and it felt good.

It also took time for me to get to know the woman I can be when I don’t have a man in my life. I may have had two years alone, but I had still been clinging to the persona of the woman I had been with Carlos.

I didn’t like her much, and I definitely didn’t want to be her anymore.

I took the time to work on myself and while I missed Dexter every day, I never gave in to the temptation to call him. To explain why I needed to keep my distance.

It was difficult to see Dexter in class every week and not give him a secret smile. Not to talk to him after class.

I don’t do much participating. It’s too hard.

I wonder sometimes if my refusal to drop the course was my way of punishing myself for trusting another man, only to let myself get hurt again. Because seeing Dexter hurt.

It hurt a lot.

But February turns into March, and April begins. And with it comes the end of the course. No more weekly talks about Frodo and the dwarves and how the fantasy genre had been so influenced by a story about a hobbit.

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