Page 49 of The Pact

“But don’t you see? The whole fucking world would still judge me! You still judge me! I didn’t tell them because I’m scared that they won’t like me anymore if they see me as ‘the Preacher’s Daughter.’ But I also didn’t tell them because I’m not her anymore. And it isn’t just that I wear normal clothes now. I was never that person. How do you think I felt every day when I was forced to wear that mask? When I had to guard every word, every thought because they might set him off on taking away even more from me? I was a freak because he made me into one. I’m eighteen, Mc, and I’d never even held hands with a boy. Not after the fourth grade. They’re free. They’re what I’ve always wanted to be. They make me feel alive, they make me feel like me. And right now? They like me for me. Do you think they were the only ones to call me a freak at school? Everyone did. From them it hurt more because I’ve always had a crush on them. Like ninety percent of the girls at school. So now that they know I exist and that they want me? I want them too.”

She looks at me with probing eyes. “So is this a delayed rebellion to our father? Is that why you accepted that game?”

I shrug. “Maybe. Ok, sure, partially. I know it would make him furious if he knew what I did since I started seeing the guys and what I’m sure I’ll do this summer. But I also like all of them, Mc. I feel attracted to each of them for different reasons. And it isn’t like they lied to me about the game or tried to hide it. They were completely upfront with it. I get to call the shots. I have power. How is that for someone who was afraid of every thought because it was always under scrutiny? Someone who wasn’t allowed to take a piss with the door closed unless it was at school or at church. I get to experience everything I never could with guys I like and they want me to enjoy it. And so far? I’ve really enjoyed it. If knowing what I’m doing would kill Dad, that’s just an added bonus.”

McKayla looks at me for another second, then smiles. “Ok but just be careful, Ausra. Guard your heart. They said it’s a game, so play it but don’t forget the rules. At the end of the summer, it’s no strings attached. So remember it or you’ll get hurt. And I’m booking you in for a Brazilian wax. No more razors down there, please. Even though what Shep did sounds pretty hot.” She tries again to give Skye the bottle but my niece cries again, her little mouth scrunched up in disgust.

“She’s pretty red,” I observe. “It isn’t just the crying, her checks were quite flushed even when I came in while you were on the phone. Is she still running a fever?”

Mc sighs. “A low grade one. But I had her seen yesterday and the doctor said that aside from the temperature, she seems healthy. Maybe it’s a new tooth. We have two now. Maybe tooth number three is being a little naughty and giving us problems. The doctor said to keep an eye on her and to go back if the fever gets higher or if it lasts for longer than a week. Do you want to try giving her the bottle? Maybe Auntie Ausra can convince her to eat.”

I take Skye from her. “I can get started but Bode will be here soon.”

That seems to be news to McKayla. “What? I thought we’d agreed for you to watch her? I’m being picked up for a lunch date.”

I’d ask her who’s the lucky guy but her phone beeps with a text message. “He’s out front,” she says, looking torn about what to do. “Look, maybe I can run upstairs and see if Mrs. Henley could watch her?”

I sigh. “Yeah, but we can’t afford to pay her. Not with the extra medical bills for Skye. And it’s too late to cancel on Bode.”

My sister shakes her head. “My date will be pissed. He’s already here. But she’s my daughter and my responsibility, so ...”

I think about it and then offer her a compromise. “Bode and I are just going to get decorations for Kelley’s birthday party next week. I could take Skye with me. I promise you Bode is a very safe driver. And then we can get some food to bring back here. Just let me know when you’re on your way back because ...”

She immediately catches my drift. “You’re worried he’ll recognize me? Sure, I understand. We weren’t exactly friends at school but I’ve been to some parties they were at. We can avoid being seen together if needed. But Ausra?”

“What?”

She places a kiss on her daughter’s forehead and one on my temple. “I know you don’t want to, but I’d consider telling them eventually. Don’t forget that Shell Cove isn’t huge. There’s always the risk of bumping into Mom and Dad.”

I don’t tell her that when Dad kicks someone out of the family, he really means it. It’s like you’re erased from existence. We saw Mc and Skye a few times in downtown Shell Cove and my parents rushed to enter a store or changed course to avoid being seen. “You’re right. Maybe I will. But not right now. Things are too new.”

When Mc leaves, I walk to the window with Skye in my arms.

“See?” I say pointing to McKayla as she climbs into a black SUV with very dark tinted windows. “Your mommy is going on a date. You and I are going to go on one too. With a very handsome guy.”

Skye seems to like the idea and giggles happily. I don’t know if I should really call my hangs with the guys “dates” but that’s what Bode said when we went to that party, so I’m sticking to it. “You just make sure you remember girl code, ok? If you smile at Bode like that, he’s not going to look at Auntie Ausra anymore. You’re way too pretty, Skye.” We both laugh at my joke and then we settle down on the bed to see if I can get my niece to eat something.

***

Ausra

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“DO WE NEED ANY BALLOONS?” I ask as Bode pushes Skye’s stroller along one of the aisles of the party supply store.

“I don’t think he cares but it’d be fun.”

If I’d been worried about him being annoyed with me bringing along Skye, I’m relieved that he wasn’t.

He helped me with the stroller and the diaper bag and he and my niece bonded immediately.

And now he’s insisted on pushing the stroller in the store. I like this side of Bode. He isn’t cold and detached, like I thought at school. He’s actually kind and has a definite softer side. I think he only shows that once you start getting to know him.

“Oh, look! These are perfect! They have a picture of the beach on them and there are windsurfers in the background.”

“Sold,” he agrees and I put a couple of packs of them in my hand basket.

We move onto the next aisle to look for paper plates and solo cups. As we round the corner, we pass by a section with plush toys. They’re just at the right height and Skye grabs a pink one in a t-shirt that says “birthday girl.”

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