Page 48 of The Pact

She reacts with an eye roll and a knowing smile. “Duh! I heard your friend’s car and I looked out of the window. I also saw that whoever drove you back kissed you goodnight. And he was tall and big ...”

She giggles, saying biiiiig in a sing song tone.

“Stop it!” I try to snap but it doesn’t work because I can’t contain my own giggles. “It was Ashton who drove me home.”

Mc sits on the bed, picking Skye up and offering her the bottle. But the baby starts fussing, angrily waving her little fists as if only the sight of the bottle was an outrage to her.

I smile at her and then look at Mc. “I don’t think she likes the formula.”

My sis sighs. “Well tough luck, baby girl. Mommy wants to start dating again and that means we’re off the boob. I know you love your solid foods but we still need some milk in our diet.” She then looks at me. “Please don’t judge me. How can I date anyone if I’m leaking milk all over the place?”

“I wouldn’t judge you, Mc. And I don’t blame you. Yeah, that would be embarrassing.” I cringe, imagining Shep sucking on my nipple and getting way more than he bargained for. The idea makes me shudder and McKayla notices.

“Ok, you need to tell me what you’ve been up to, sis. You seem to be considering this lactation problem way more than I’d expect from you.”

She says through narrowed eyes. “Did you decide to date one of those guys then? This Ashton maybe?”

Ok, here it goes. “We aren’t dating. And not exactly ...”

I tell her everything. From kissing Bode and Shep at the party, to the time alone I had with Bode. The game. My afternoon with Shep and Ashton.

McKayla doesn’t speak for a long moment, looking at me as if she were seeing me for the first time. She runs a hand through her blonde hair, just one shade darker than mine. “Ok. I don’t even know where to start. So you’ve agreed to ‘play a sex game’ with them.” She makes air quotes with her fingers. “With the guys who called you unfuckable?”

I swallow the lump in my throat and try to explain. “I know. And trust me, I’m as surprised as you are that I agreed to it. And before you even ask, they didn’t put any pressure on me. They explained the rules to me and they asked if I wanted to play. I didn’t even have to think about it. I knew I wanted to as soon as they explained. Especially once they decided that they wanted to do it for the whole summer.”

She doesn’t say anything, waiting for me to elaborate. “Yes, they made fun of me that day at school. Especially Kelley. But—”

“Are you trying to get some kind of revenge on them?”

I answer the question with another question. “No?”

McKayla opens her mouth to speak but then seems to pause. When she finally speaks, she doesn’t sound like she’s judging me. I know she’s trying to understand. “Don’t you think this is a bit much, Ausra? I get maybe dating one of them, especially if not Kelley, but what the fuck?”

I shake my head, trying to find the words to explain because it isn’t easy. I’ve been trying to make sense of my own decision too.

“You made fun of me too the last year and some change; before I moved in with you. Don’t try to deny it.” I’m surprised by the hard, accusatory edge in my own voice.

McKayla’s eyes widen. “I wasn’t making fun of you! I was fucking worried about Dad losing the fucking plot! He turned you and Mom into two extra from The Handmaid’s Tale! Sure you weren’t wearing red, but the bonnets? The clothes that covered you head to toe? No makeup, the way your hair was braided—”

“That’s exactly my point, Mc! You thought that was weird and you’d lived with him. You’d seen him turn from a keynote speaker into a life coach and then into—”

“A fucking cult leader?”

I nod. I never said it out loud but that’s exactly what our father has become.

McKayla can be a lot of things but she isn’t stupid. “Don’t you think I saw that? Don’t you think I was worried sick? And you barely ever complained about it. I was scared that you were ok with it.”

My next words come out way harsher than I intended. “What was I supposed to do, Mc? I was alone with them. With him. The day after you moved out, I was given new clothes, Mom threw away all the makeup you’d bought me. I no longer had an allowance and I was driven to and from school and church. I wasn’t allowed outside the house unless one of our parents was with me. He took all the doors out of every room except their bedroom and his study. He installed cameras everywhere, even in my bathroom.”

I’ve never told her everything. She takes it hard. “It was all my fault. He did all that to you because he didn’t want you to turn into me.”

I sigh, suddenly tired of rehashing a past I’m trying to put behind me. “It wasn’t just because of you. You know how much you had to fight to be in the cheer team and the drama club. You had to sneak out of the window to see your friends. He didn’t make us wear those ridiculous clothes when you lived at home but you had to hide the clothes you really wanted to wear in your bag and then change at school. We could only hang out with people they approved of and whose parents were part of the church or prospective investors. You know better than me that those changes didn’t happen overnight but they started gradually once we moved here from Texas. After his affair. So yeah, it got worse once you got pregnant and he kicked you out but it wasn’t just your fault.”

Mc seems to consider it for a second. “I mean, ok. I get it, kinda. So you don’t completely blame them because in all honesty you did look weird.”

I don’t even know why I feel the urge to defend them, I don’t even care to be honest. “And they saved me the other night at the Stowaway. They—”

“Sure, they did. They aren’t complete pieces of shit. But you didn’t tell them who you are. If you think they’d still judge you—”

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