Page 56 of Shifted

CHAPTER TWENTY

Hope Taylor

I close my laptop, collect the files on my desk, and shove them into my briefcase. I catch a glimpse of his shadow in my doorway, and I look up to see Lucas. The look of despair on his face felt weird but not surprising. Things never got too real with him. He’d never caught me in heartbreak or grief. He was my friend, enemy, and co-worker. We just gabbed about things that were less important and not serious.

"You shouldn't be here today, you know? I almost took the day off for you." He was dressed up in a black suit for the funeral. I wanted to forget it was happening today, not until it was time. But waking up to a call from the florist ruined those plans.

"I have to mourn the only person who's ever fully cared about me with the people who didn't today. So I needed to come in this morning, Lucas, just to take the edge off," Accepting her death wasn’t something I was easily able to come to terms with. Her funeral would make it real; seeing her coffin would make it real. Trying to explain to my young child what was happening made it real. I knew once I got in the car waiting downstairs for me, I’d never be able to go back. I'd never get to see Grandma again, and I know it's not her. It's just her body, not her soul.

I’d never be held by her again, told a story, or have her shoulder to lean on. I’d never get to see her again after today. She’d be buried underground when I remained here waiting for her return. Something that would never happen, and I’m only left with her haunting words echoing in my mind since she last spoke them, "Tell him."

"We have to get going, Hope." Lucas offered me his hand. It was time, and I didn’t want it to be. I wanted to come to work and forget everything that was happening. I kept thinking that if I just tried to act like today was normal, then maybe it would be. But I knew better, and now I had to go. So, with no other option but to face it, I gratefully accept Lucas’s arm, wrapping mine around his for support.

Bella and Reed met me on the bottom floor of the building. Joely was still confused; she didn't fully understand where Grandma went and why. But she stood with the two of them, patiently waiting for me as Bella held my toiletry bag to freshen up. I had already made sure not to wear any mascara today because it would’ve already run off by now. So, instead, I went into the bathroom to sulk by myself with my head between my thighs.

After a few minutes, someone knocked, and the door creaked open. I noticed Bella’s shoes on the other side of the stall. It was her black Tory Burch flats. The last time I saw her wearing them was for her own grandmother's funeral. She was on the other side of this stall in my position.

"I don't want to go," I admit.

"Hope, you planned the whole thing, and she'd want you to be there. Be strong. Who cares about your relatives? You are there for MaryEllen, not them." I was more afraid of the executor coming to distribute the assets of the will and then for them to learn it was just for me.

Pushing open the stall, she looked at me as I sat a mess sitting on the toilet lid. I wish I hadn’t even invited my mother and father because they didn’t care enough to pay for any of her services.

"I don’t know how I’m going to face them." I looked at her, and she shared an understanding. But without any other words, she offered her hand to me to pull me up.

“You aren’t facing them alone. Remember that.” Taking her hand, she pulls me up and wraps her arm around me, and we head outside. "My mom is in a car out front and is bringing Joely. I figured you needed some time to collect yourself." I lean against her. The tears leak from my eyes as I feel empty.

Reed stood waiting for us and took me into his arms. He never got to meet Grandma, and that thought hurt. He was robbed of meeting her, the woman who shaped me as a person and changed my life.

"Let's go, Hope," he whispers kindly. We exit onto the sidewalks of Boston to be greeted by a town car on that street that’s ready to take us to the church. It was all becoming real.

When we finally arrived, I felt sick, nauseous even. Crowds of people were standing outside of the church waiting to be let in, and then I spotted them. My parents and Taryn stood at the front of the church. For the first time in eight years, they were together just fourteen feet away from me, unable to get into the church because they didn't plan the funeral.

I watched from a distance as they fought with the funeral coordinator. In front of a line of people lined up down the road, friends of hers and mine, anyone and everyone who knew her. I felt their eyes on me as I walked. Maria stood at the bottom of the church steps in line, Joely by her feet, Theo standing beside her, and my friend Kendall just a few feet away.

As I stared up the steps, they had yet to acknowledge my presence. I was already humiliated by them, and it was only mere seconds of being near them. Taryn looked so much older. I hadn't seen her since she was just 20, and my dad's hair was now gray, and his wrinkles were now defiant. They were older, and for some reason, I forgot that I, too, would look older to them.

"Miss Taylor," Olive, the funeral coordinator, calls out. Their heads move, and before I can face them, I turn my attention to Olive.

"I appreciate your patience. Sorry for my lateness." She looked at her watch, flipping it over with a smile. "You are here right on the dot, no worries." She offered me her hand, and I accepted it as we went through the doors of the church. My family, my chosen family, followed behind me first. I heard Bella make sure of it as she spoke to them behind me.

My body was shaking as I spotted her pink casket in the distance. The one she picked out years ago, claiming that she’d like to be “buried in style.” But now, seeing it in front of me felt like some odd dream or nightmare, but it was real. All of it, my parents, my sister, and this church with Grandma’s casket, were all real, and there was no escaping it.

She was so wise and sensible. She strictly told me never to smoke, and she regretted doing it. She loved beautifully and fought fiercely. She was the best person I ever knew. Everyone filing into this church behind me knew it, too, with her infectiously kind humility.

"Grandma," I whimpered aloud as Reed's arms tightened around me as I stepped to the front. My 'family' filled the other church pews in the front, the aisle diving us in the middle.

?

My baby’s head was resting against my chest as I watched them lower Grandma’s casket to the ground. The cold January air made me feel even more numb than I already was. My child was the only warmth. She was now the only real blood I had left, and I was grateful Mary Ellen got to know her and that Joely had time with her before she passed. But now it just seemed more bitter that she would never watch her grow.

Flowers surrounded the burial. There are too many bouquets to count, filled with endless lilies. The priest said the final words, her final goodbye. But just like that, she was 6 feet under. I never thought about the consequences of death. That, when you leave this world, you leave your family. You leave a piece of yourself with them, and they carry that pain and grief. You leave them with unbearable pain that you can't come back to fix.

It won't ruin my life because she lived a great one. But for now, just for a little while, the pain will stay. Because I have to learn a world without Grandma, and that one frightened me.

As people cleared out, the person who I dreaded approached me. Dressed in a black suit, she stood at 5’7 in her heels. A somber expression on her face was my grandma’s executor, Eliza. "Miss Taylor, I'm here to discuss your grandmother’s assets." I heard a throat clearing. I knew who it was because the sound became all too familiar to me. Hyram stood behind her, waiting impatiently for her to give him an ounce of her attention.

"Shouldn't you be discussing this with my Wife?" He hadn’t even greeted me, like I wasn’t a fucking human, let alone his daughter. But he dared to cut in as we were only 6 feet away from Grandma. It felt disrespectful in a way for him to be like this, here and now.

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