Page 4 of Thots and Prayers

“How are you doing tonight, Priest Duvall?” the officer asked from behind me. I turned in annoyance. Why did everyone say the full name in this town?

“I’m fine. Did you need something from me?”

“Actually, yes.” He put his hands on his hips, one hand gripping the gun there. “We have a situation.”

Where was Mitch or his mom? I looked around. I wasn’t trying to burn this motel down tonight to cover up his death.

“What’s the situation?”

“We are god-fearing folk here, in Ricefield. We do our best to live lives that the good lord would appreciate, and one day take us up to heaven with him.”

Oh, Jesus Christ. Where the fuck did we end up?

“I understand.” I nodded, trying to keep him calm.

“Well, this is the situation. We’re a small town. There ain’t many people here. A thousand, if that. We have one church. But about six weeks ago, Father Ben got real sick. He’s been in the hospital in a medically induced coma and they don’t know when he’ll come out. No one’s come to replace him. The town needs the gospel. Will you come deliver a sermon this Sunday?”

My brain was blank for a moment before it lit up, fully understanding everything now. They thought Priest was my title, not my name. I opened and closed my mouth, trying to stall to give my mind time to lie.

“I am a Catholic priest, with all due respect.”

He lowered his hat and nodded solemnly.

“We are Catholic, Father.”

Father? Shit. Shit, shit shit.

“Sunday is...” I counted. “Five days away. It should be fixed before then.”

He shook his head. “Not if you don’t step up to that podium and tell us what we need to keep going on Sunday. We’ll even pay you for it. Now you won’t have to sleep in the same room as that couple you brought with you. The sinners.” He made a disgusted face. “You know, before marriage and all that.”

So this was what it was. I was going to be blackmailed into being... a minister...

My insides twisted as flashes of memories of my dad went through my mind. His preaching and crimes turned me off from any form of religion.

“Father?” He waved his hand in front of my face. I blinked and raised my hands in disbelief at what I was about to say and do. And then, I had a wicked idea.

“I suppose it is what the lord would want.”

RULE 3 - KANSAS

PLAY IT COOL IN PUBLIC.

“This is fucking hilarious.” I shook my head as I watched Constantine hunched over the table reading the Bible that he found in the bedside table drawer the next morning. “Priest Duvall. Father Duvall,” I added.

“Fuck off,” he snarled, “I knew I should have taken one of the other names you offered. What were they?”

“Swayze and Koi.” I snickered. “A firefighter and EMT in New Jersey. What were the odds they’d need a fucking priest.” I nudged Eisley with my elbow, and she looked up at me with a scowl.

“Be nice. How’s it coming?” she asked Constantine.

“How do you think it’s coming?” he snapped. Eisley stiffened, and Constantine swore and apologized. “Sorry, I just wasn’t prepared to stand in front of a crowd and praise Jesus or whatever the fuck these people believe. I have no idea what I’m fucking doing.”

Eisley slid off the bed and went to him. She rubbed his shoulders, and he fell back, relaxing into her. I sighed, knowing the feeling. She was our saving grace. The only thing that made us feel anything. Without her, we’d be nothing. I diverted my eyes, focusing on the TV that was playing 13 Ghosts.

“Did you ask if maybe the other priest had, like, notes or something?” she asked.

I turned curiously as Constantine popped his eyes open and slid up.

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