Page 1 of Whatever You Want

The priest recited, “I am the resurrection and the life,” as my husband’s body was lowered into the ground. I stared straight ahead, as if I were witnessing my life flash slowly before my eyes.

I could hear the cries from my mother-in-law as she sobbed uncontrollably next to me, clinging to a pair of rosary beads as if they could somehow bring her son back from the dead.

For some reason, every little thing was getting to me. I barely even recognized myself. It was as if all the light in the world had faded into the background, and I just wanted to run away to a place where I could escape this insufferable pain.

A week ago, Drew, my college sweetheart, built our daughter a playhouse in our backyard. Now, his dead body was resting in a closed casket surrounded by dirt and overpriced flowers. He hated flowers. He said they were a giant waste of money, but I couldn’t tell people not to send them. After all, they were a tradition, an expression of sympathy, but no matter how beautiful they were, they did nothing to comfort me.

My heart pounded in my chest with each passing second. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him forever. I wasn’t ready to let him go. He should be at home, in his recliner, watching a Phillies game on the TV while Madison played on her iPad next to him. Not at this mythical place that the priest was preaching about. He talked about heaven as if he’d been there. How do any of us know what is waiting for us on the other side? We can believe whatever we want, but no one knows what it’s like until we get there. And for the first time in my life, I wondered if it even existed because the only thing I felt as I looked around was pure hell.

“Ava.” My best friend Amelia’s hand landed on my shoulder. “Are you okay?”

No, I was not okay, and I wasn’t sure if I would ever be again.

This cemetery was filled with people who loved my husband. Over the past hour, I’ve listened as his close friends talked about what a great guy he was and told stories that I’ve heard a dozen times. But this heartbreak hurt so damn much that no words could lessen my pain, no matter how beautiful or humorous. Nothing could bring him back.

Amelia leaned forward and whispered in my ear, “Say something. Let me know that you’re okay.”

What was I supposed to say? At that moment, I hated the universe and everyone in it. The man I spent the last ten years of my life with was dead, and my daughter would never see her father again. Nothing would ever be the same.

“This is so unfair,” I said, feeling a sob unleash from my throat. “He shouldn’t be here.”

My mother-in-law sensed that I was about ready to lose it and slid Madison onto her lap. Amelia wrapped her arms around me from behind, holding me in place. The emotions I’ve kept bottled up started to spill out of me. I’ve tried to stay strong and hold it together, but that dam in my chest holding these feelings back was about to burst.

Pressure! I felt it everywhere, and I was sick of feeling it. I was over it all. I’ve spent the last five days having people tell me how sorry they were. I was so sick of the hugs, the hovering, the food. I just wanted to go somewhere and suffer in silence. I didn’t want to plaster on another fake smile. I didn’t want to reassure my family and friends that I was okay.

Something inside me snapped. Everyone turned while I stood on shaky legs, and I did my best to block out the noise. I tried not to think about how messed up this was or how out of control I felt.

“Mommy,” Madison cried while my mother-in-law held her against her chest. I moved around the folding chairs and made it to the back, where I tripped on the green outdoor carpet. I blamed it on the damn shoes. I hated the heels. I hated my dress. I hated everything about this day.

A set of muscular arms reached out and grabbed me, stopping my fall.

I looked up, and my gaze locked on a pair of hazel-green eyes. They were the same somber eyes that knocked on my door less than five days ago and told me that my husband was killed in a car crash. I clutched my stomach at the reminder, feeling that pain slice through me all over again.

“Please back up and get out of my way.” I wiped at the tears streaming down my face. All I could smell was his scent, and it was wrong. It smelled like soap and sandalwood, not the clean citrus smell I was used to. And his touch wasn’t the one I wanted. The only person who could bring me comfort at that moment was lying in a wooden box.

His jaw ticked, and something that I didn’t understand flashed in his eyes. Was it pity? Of course it was. Shame washed over me as I frantically looked around the cemetery. I couldn’t decide which way to go. All I knew was that I had to get away.

Logan stared down at me as if he wasn’t sure how to handle me, and for some strange reason, that only angered me even more. I pushed against his chest with as much strength as I had. “Did you not hear me? You need to get away from me. Can’t you see I’m breaking into a million fucking pieces here?”

“Ava, calm down.” His voice was soft, but all I could focus on was that storm raging inside me. “Take a deep breath.” He stepped closer, trying to calm me down, but that only agitated me even more.

“Don’t tell me what to do. You barely know me. Don’t act like you care. You’re only here because you’re friends with Marco,” I spat out, feeling completely unhinged. I just needed to get to a place where I could breathe.

Amelia rushed over and pulled me out of his arms. “Ava. I know you’re in pain, but it’s going to be okay.” She held me close, but I could feel myself breaking apart.

That’s when I realized I had caused a scene. Everyone watched in stunned silence. Their stares and whispers were a mixture of sympathy and disbelief.

Drew’s friend Jeremy lifted Madison in his arms, her little hands wrapped around his neck. Tears flowed relentlessly down my cheeks as I watched him console her. That was my job, so why couldn’t I get my feet to move?

“What the hell is wrong with me?” I asked my best friend as if she held all the answers. “Why am I doing this? I don’t understand.”

I was going from one extreme to another, and all I could do was squeeze my eyes shut and pray that this nightmare would pass.

“Ava, you’ve suffered an unbearable loss. I think it’s finally catching up to you.” She squeezed my arm gently. “Let’s get you somewhere away from prying eyes where you can process this in peace and quiet.”

“Madison.” I took a step forward; her cries grew quieter, but she still clung to Jeremy as if her life depended on it. “I can’t leave her.”

Amelia’s hands ran up and down my back. “She’s fine,” she whispered as her husband, Marco, placed his arm along my shoulder.

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