Page 26 of Finding Limits

“So lie with me, hold me the way you did, because that’s what makes me feel better.” I stare deep into his eyes, willing for him to understand.

“I’m sorry, darlin’ but ya have to understand. You can be the best man in the world, with all the right intentions; but when ya get that little piece of perfect that completes the puzzle, it can be very hard to let go of.” He looks sad as his thumb brushes over my skin.

“This trust…” He looks down at where we touch. “Is the greatest, most precious gift anyone ever gave me. But I can’t accept anythin’ more than that.” One of my tears drips onto his hand and we both watch it roll off. “There’s a strong woman insida you, she’s the only one who can free herself, and when that happens there’s no way I’m gonna let her settle for this grumpy, old man who’s had his day. The world’s waitin’ for ya, Everleigh.” He raises my hand up to his mouth and kisses it before standing back up and heading toward the bathroom.

I pat my cheeks to dry them before I pull my journal back out from behind the cushion and this time what I write isn’t a bad memory, it’s an all-consuming emotion that I have to get out of my head and hope I can move on from.

I love him.

If I thought hearing her nightmares was torture before, I was wrong. Sitting on the other side of the door when I know how it feels to have her in my arms and make her better, feels like having your heart scooped outta your chest. I have to be cruel to be kind. I’ve let myself get carried away and forgot that my job was to look out for her through her journey, not become part of it. I grip my fists together when I hear more of her screams and bite down on my knuckles.

Knowing that I could be the one to take her pain away suddenly feels like a curse. If I go back into that room and give her what she needs it’ll give her false hope. I can already feel that she’s attached, she doesn’t see a life beyond this cabin, and for an old guy like me, that would be easy to take advantage of. So I sit and I listen. I let her pain ring through my ears and wish there was another option to take it away.

The thought of another man comforting her almost makes me as sick to my stomach as the thoughts of the bastard who did this to her. And those are the kinda thoughts that I can’t linger on.

Everleigh was not put on this earth to be mine, and it’s sad and cruel that our paths crossed this way, because if they hadn’t I’d never have had to learn the pain of letting her go.

“Come on, darlin’, fight past it.” I look up at the ceiling and whisper to myself. Willing it to be over for her. She can’t rely on me, she needs to be able to leap back into the light all by herself, there's no other way for her to get strong.

“DON’T!” she screams. “DON’T DO THAT. PLEEASE!.” She breaks into sobs that crack my heart right down the middle.

“No… No.” The sound that comes next is too much to take. It’s high-pitched and so full of terror that I’m done listening to the poor girl suffer.

I leap onto my feet and barge through the door to get to her. She’s still got her eyes squeezed shut, her nightdress is clinging to her body from sweat, and I don’t waste another second standing still

“Everleigh. Everleigh, it’s me.” I climb onto the bed beside her and wrap my arms around her body to stop her from shaking.

“Everleigh!” I call her name louder, and when she opens her eyes and sees me, she looks stunned as her panicked, little breaths get shorter.

“I’m here, you're with me. Ya ain’t there, anymore,” I whisper, pulling her onto my chest and pressing my lips into the top of her head. She was right about what she said earlier, nothing about this feels wrong, and as her hands cling to my arms like I’m all she has in this wretched world, I push any doubt in what I’m doing to the back of my mind so I can give her what she needs.

I wake up long before she does, and it gives me the opportunity to appreciate how beautiful she is. Now that her nightmares are over she looks peaceful, and it takes all my willpower not to lean over and let my mouth touch over hers. It’s an intrusive thought that I shouldn't let in, and one that now it’s there, I can’t push away. My hand reaches over her and I carefully trace her lips with my finger, allowing myself to imagine how they’d feel against mine. Her eyes flicker open and catch me in the act, but I don’t move, I stare right back at her, and when she softly kisses my fingertips it suddenly feels hard to breathe.

“You came to me?” She smiles.

“Of course, I did.” I move my hand away and prop my head up on it. “It was a bad one, the worst I ever heard,” I admit, feeling that gut-wrenching pain in my stomach when I recall listening to it.

“I’m sor?—”

“No, no more apologies.” I shake my head. “Darlin’, this is a bad idea.”

“Please don’t send me away. I thought about what you said last night, about finding my home and, Mitch… What if my home is here with you? What if God intended us to find each other all along?”

“God wouldn’t be so cruel.” I laugh to myself, but she doesn’t seem to find any humor in my words.

“All I know is that the thought of not being with you puts pain inside me.” She holds her hand to her chest. “I want to prove to you that I’m not just here because I’m scared of what's out there. I want to find my limits and the only way I can do that is to push them.” She looks so brave as she smiles up at me. “I need you to help me do that, Mitch.”

“I’ll help you in any way I can,” I promise her. I’ve just decided that the risk of breaking my heart is worth the reward of fixing hers.

“And if I prove to you that I’m not here out of fear, will you accept that what we have between us can’t be denied because of a silly thing like age?” she asks.

“I never denied that there was somethin’ between us,” I point out, taking a strand of her blonde hair in my finger and sliding it back behind her ear. “I just want you to have the best of what this life has to offer, and that ain’t me, sweetheart.”

She surprises me when her hand lifts up and slides it across my bristly jaw.

“I’ve had choices taken away from me my whole life. Let this one be mine.” She smiles before snuggling her body back into mine.

“Has Solomon been feeding you extras?” Abraham prods his bony finger hard at my stomach, and I crouch over to protect the child that grows inside it. The ridge of my stomach is only tiny and would hardly be noticeable if the rest of me hadn’t become skin and bone.

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