Page 54 of Mayhem

“It’s going well, yeah?” Ian asks, sitting next to me on the couch to watch the rehearsal. He’s been bouncing around like a pinball between the guys, the girls, and various phone calls, but he’s got everything under control. You would think the transition from rocker to music executive, to now band manager would be difficult, but he knows his shit, that’s for sure. Experience in the different worlds helps.

“Yeah, and it looks like the new date in Phoenix is finalized, too,” I say, showing him the email I just got from Eliza.

“Good, good. It’s a great start.”

I arch an eyebrow at him. “Start?”

He shrugs. “World domination. That’s the goal, right? Get these guys in front of as many fans as possible. We’re touring one corner of one country and look at the response. I think we’re ready for more, don’t you?”

Considering how well ticket sales are going, he might not be far off. But still, I’m apprehensive. Maybe because I’m still new to this I want to test the waters first. I can’t help but feed off his positive attitude, though. He obviously knows what he’s talking about.

“I’m still in research mode, but can’t argue with the numbers so far,” I say, raising my voice a little to be heard over the music. It might be my imagination, but it seems like they’ve turned up the volume at least a few levels.

During a break in the music, Brad’s phone rings, and after looking at the screen, he excuses himself and steps outside. “I gotta take this guys. I’ll be right back.”

Ian and I take advantage of the relative quiet to call Eliza to discuss adding more dates to the tour. While they talk numbers and budgets, my mind wanders to Brad outside and his phone call. I know that Ren has been checking in a lot on Charlie, especially since the whole social media incident. She usually calls around this time of day, so I don’t think too much about it. The rest of the band head out not long after for a smoke break.

After a few minutes, and the additional dates agreed on, Ian and I head outside to tell the guys the news. The bright sun is blinding at first, but once my eyes adjust, I notice Brad away from the rest, leaning against the building with his back to us, obviously on a video call.

“Well, I just wanted to say hi. I miss you so much. And I still care about you…” It’s a female voice, and it’s not Ren. My breath freezes in my lungs. Even Ian next to me halts in his tracks, unsure what to do.

“I still care about you too, babe…” Brad says without missing a beat. He didn’t even have to think about it.

“Why don’t we go inside, and we can talk to everyone after the break?” Ian suggests, grabbing my elbow gently and steering me back into the building. Emmett, Stefan, and Dakota all avoid meeting my eyes as we go, obviously embarrassed for me.

And that’s what I am – embarrassed. It’s the only thing I can even feel. I’ve been played like the fool that I am, and everyone here knows it. Shock doesn’t even begin to cover it. I’m absolutely paralyzed emotionally.

There are no tears.

There’s nothing.

I feel nothing.

As Ian ushers me toward the battered leather couch, the girls run up and start dancing around us. Their butterfly wings are complete, and they’re showing them off. My brain is having a hard time switching gears from the utter devastation I’m feeling to the happy cacophony around me.

The wings really are beautiful, though, and I somehow find the strength to allow myself to be pulled into their excitement. These precious girls didn’t hurt me. Charlie didn’t betray me. Her father did, and I can’t blame her for that.

“These are amazing, girls. You really outdid yourselves this time,” I say, my throat tightening. Every ounce of energy I possess is being poured into keeping it together. A smile is a bit much to ask for, but I think I succeed in at least being earnest. The girls are too busy giggling and pretending to fly around to really notice anyway.

My heart hurts for Charlie too. I’ve really been growing close with her these last few weeks and can’t stand the thought of disappointing her. I know what that’s like, since I’ve been there too. Wanting a family; to see your parents happy and whole. To feel like you’re a part of something bigger even though you don’t quite understand it. I don’t want to be the cause of her pain, even if it’s not my fault.

When the guys come back in a few minutes later, Brad is still not with them. Meaning, he’s probably still on the phone with whoever it was that ‘misses him so much.’ My heart clenches even more, though I’m still numb.

The awkwardness in the room could be cut with a knife, and I hate it. I hate being the center of attention, and even though everyone is purposely not looking at me, I know that I am what everyone is thinking about. They all know that I’m an idiot, and they also know that I just figured that out. If I was embarrassed a few minutes ago, it’s only magnified exponentially now.

The only thing I can do is busy myself with my work, though I’m not really seeing the screen in front of me. Words are jumbling together, and pictures are unfocused. The layout for the latest graphic I was working on suddenly doesn’t make sense to me. Nothing does.

Brad comes back, and I can’t help but look up at him. Like a magnet, I’m still drawn to his every move. I can’t help myself. Even now.

More like a moth to a flame, I think.

He gives me a smile and a wink as he walks past, and even touches my shoulder lightly. I instantly tense up, and my skin flares where his fingers grazed me, but I force myself not to react in any way. For some reason I don’t want to give away that I overheard his conversation, and I don’t know why.

“I still care about you too, babe…”

Part of me wants to scream at him right here and now in front of everyone, including Charlie, and another part wants to run away and hide, never to be found. All these instincts inside of me are warring with each other, and I can do nothing. My brain is still processing, and my heart is still breaking into a million tiny pieces. Each beat of my heart sends another jagged shard through my bloodstream, slicing at me and reminding me of the pain that’s going to overtake me when I’m finally alone.

Ian reaches over and rubs my shoulder gently for a moment, and that little act of kindness almost undoes me. It’s sympathy, and I appreciate it, but it’s too much. I was fine until this moment, though that’s probably a lie, too.

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