Page 83 of The Revenge Agenda

“Concentrate.”

“But that part is really hard for me,” he complains.

I flex my hand in his. “I know, but stay with me. You think I’m calm?”

He hurries to nod. “My entire life feels like chaos, and no matter what I do, everything is always in shambles.” Rush casts his eyes over his bedroom. Clothes litter every surface, and there are four empty mugs on his side table. A heavy sigh falls from him. “I have systems. Places for everything. My wardrobe is set out with an exact spot for every item I have, but I’m always moving too fast, always out of time, always missing something, and no matter how hard I push, no matter how much I scramble to get it together, it’s never together.”

Even hearing him explain it is exhausting. “Is there anything you can do to help?”

“Yes. Medication. Apparently. But while that helps slow things enough for me to grasp, one lot I tried made me tired and hazy, and another lot made me feel empty. I hate the lack of control. I just want to be me.”

An ache breaks out in my chest.

“When I tell you you’re calm …” He glances up. “It’s a good thing. The best thing. Like I can lean on you and disappear from it all.”

Warmth prickles in my fingertips, spreading along my arm and into my chest. “I almost want to check that you’re talking about the right person.”

“No, it’s definitely you.”

“So judging by all that, it’s probably a safe assumption that you have feelings for me too.”

He nods, and even knowing that we’re in this together has me nervous as fuck. Our relationship isn’t exactly what I’d call high stakes, but the thought of losing Rush holds way more weight than the reality of losing Ian.

I hate that he’s always going to be the hidden shadow beside us, and it’s going to take me time to work through that. Same with Rush. We’re both bringing the same scars of our last relationship with us.

But it would kill me not to try.

“This is what I want,” I tell him. “Keep hanging out, keep trading messages, maybe go on a few dates. Sexual and emotional exclusivity. Sharing is something I’ve done before, but it won’t work with you. Maybe it’s because of what happened, or it’s a you thing, but the thought of another man touching you makes me want to stab something. Preferably him.”

“Assault with a deadly weapon is at least a year in prison.”

“At least I’d have a place to live,” I joke.

All the relaxed happiness in his eyes vanishes.

“Hey, back on us.”

“Okay,” Rush says. “Those terms match with what I want as well. I’ve never been into sharing myself, unless it was something casual, so I would need that exclusive commitment from you. At least while we feel this thing out. It hasn’t been that long.”

“It hasn’t.” The thing is, the timeframe doesn’t bother me. I’ve seen where five years can get you. I’ve seen that people can betray you at any point. A few weeks or not, I just can’t see Rush betraying me. I can’t claim to be a good judge of character, considering how easily I was fooled in the past, but something about Rush is unbelievably straightforward. Innocent. Kind.

I have to hope I’m not being fucked with again.

Chapter 24

Rush

Getting Hunter together with my friends is the best part of my day. Well, other than the sex. And the relationship talking. It’s definitely better than the messages from Ian by a long shot and also Hunter asking me not to see him again.

I don’t want to.

Ian would be better off left in my past, and I was getting a good move on doing just that. But now he’s gone and pulled all that shit with Hunter, I can’t let it go. I can’t. I want to, but it’s like this needle in the back of my brain prodding in brief pauses and pricking harder whenever I have something remind me of it.

Every time it pops up again, I tell myself to forget it. To let it go. The more I focus on moving on, the tighter my thoughts grasp.

“What are we trialing this week?” I ask Madden, standing outside of the junk room.

“The Easy Feet. Ah, shoes? Umm … those things we were watching the other night.”

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