Page 135 of Cast in Conflict

Helen nodded.

“Because I did, and I deserved nothing. If I could find a life—a life I could be proud of—anyone could do it.”

“That is not true.”

Kaylin nodded. “I know. I know that now; I’m not a kid anymore.” At Helen’s very maternal smile, Kaylin grimaced. “I’m not as much of a kid. But sometimes I think I’ll never really grow up. The chancellor was right, I think. But—I wouldn’t have known how to answer, either.”

“You would.”

“I wouldn’t. I’m a Hawk. I’m proud of being a Hawk. If I lost the Hawks somehow, I have no idea what I’d want to do.”

“But that’s not what you’re thinking about.”

“I’m thinking about an answer for Bellusdeo—and I know it’s not going to do her any good. I just—she could do or be anything if she wanted to.”

“She is not unlike you once were,” was Helen’s soft reply. “Karriamis was unkind but correct: she does not feel she deserves any sort of life because she failed her people. It’s guilt that drives her; the rage is a product of that guilt. If she destroys Ravellon, it might appease guilt. It might appease the dead.”

“The dead don’t care.”

“No, I don’t believe they do. It is a metaphor. But unexamined metaphors are dangerous narratives. It is easy for either of us—for all of us—to believe that it was not her fault. What we think does not matter; it is what she feels that does. This is hers to untangle.”

“You don’t think she can.”

“I am uncertain. I am very fond of her, but she is a cry of muted pain. Constant pain. The difference is that you have seen it. Karriamis heard it immediately—but Kaylin, so did I. What I wanted for Bellusdeo was a bit of peace.

“But she is my guest, not my tenant. I understand the chancellor’s anger, but I do not agree; he wishes to spare her pain. He wishes to keep her from the Tower. I believe—although I was not there and did not hear him—that he is considering an inadvisable visit to that Tower. But he is not the only one.”

Kaylin rose from the table. “Bellusdeo’s leaving?”

“Ah, no. It was not to Bellusdeo I referred. She is drowning in broken dreams and broken hopes, and she attempts now to examine them for something that might resonate enough she can build an answer from them. She will not leave until she has something to offer.”

“Then who? The cohort?”

“No. I believe Bellusdeo’s experiences have...impacted Sedarias, because I do not believe Sedarias could answer the question Karriamis insisted must be answered.”

“Helen...”

“Emmerian, dear. I am not entirely certain—but he is angry and he did not wish me to be aware of his intent; it is why he did not walk Bellusdeo to my door. He knows I would hear.”

“Emmerian’s going to Karriamis.”

“I believe so. Sit, dear. You are not running out after him; he is a Dragon, and you are a hungry, tired Hawk.”

“I’m also the Chosen.” Kaylin set her napkin aside.

“Do not make me tell Bellusdeo.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I think you need sleep. She will, of course, worry—and she will embrace worry because it’s far easier than what she is now facing. I do not believe Karriamis will hurt Lord Emmerian; Karriamis is in no danger, and lethal force is generally reserved for actual danger.”

“She’ll be mad.”

“She will possibly be angry, yes—but she has been angry for so long I’m not sure you would notice the difference.”

“She’s not always angry.”

“It is always part of her; it is the other side of guilt. Eat, and sleep.”

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