Page 64 of Losing Control
“Okay, dude.”
I can’t look up to acknowledge the man that Cal has been talking to. If he thinks that I am rude then so be it. I don’t want to speak to another man right now, I just want to be with Cal. He’s my rock, my saviour, my world.
Cal carries me up the stairs and to his room. I hear him click the door shut behind us when we have reached the relevant room.
He doesn’t speak and for that I am grateful. I don’t know how I would explain my meltdown to him whilst still sobbing like the broken woman that I am.
I feel him lean down and I come into contact with a soft mattress. Turning on my side, I shuffle forwards and feel Cal lay down behind me. His arms hold me as his chest presses against my back. I don’t push him off, he makes me feel safe. He always has done, and he has always known exactly what I need.
Chapter Forty-Six
Truth
I struggle to open my eyes as they feel sore and swollen. I rub them gently, the rawness of all the crying that I did last night making them tender to touch.
As I open them slowly, they drift to the empty space beside me. Cal had been there when I had cried myself to sleep last night, but now there is just an empty space. My hand drifts over to the emptiness, tracing the creases in the sheet from where he was led.
I don’t know what I would have done if it hadn’t been for Cal. He is a part of me, always has been and always will be.
I close my eyes and rub my temples as a dull ache pulses in my head.
“Good morning,” I hear Cal say, making me open my eyes abruptly to see that he is walking into the room with a couple of mugs in his hand. He closes the door behind him and walks over to the bed, passing me one of the drinks. I prop myself up against the head board and take it from him.
“Thanks,” I say as I breathe in the scent of the coffee.
“How are you feeling this morning?” he asks as he sits down on the bed, facing me.
“I’m okay,” I say with a shrug of my shoulders.
“I don’t think so, babe,” Cal replies with one eyebrow raised. “Are you going to tell me what happened last night?” His eyes hold mine and I find that I want to tell him. Hell, I probably need to tell someone for my own sanity.
“I… I left Michael.”
Cal splutters on the mouthful of coffee that he is taking.
“As in for good?” he asks, leaning over and placing his cup on the bedside table. I nod my head, the tears wanting to emerge again.
Surely, I can’t cry any more than I already have?
I take a deep breath, rapidly blink the tears away and begin to talk.
“Things have been a bit tense for a while now, and I just can’t stay with him. When we first started dating it was fun, exciting, and a welcome distraction from being miserable from what Tom put me through.” I take a sip of my coffee as my mouth has gone dry before continuing.
“Michael used to be kind, caring, thoughtful. I honestly thought that I had found someone who wanted me just for me. Someone who wouldn’t try to change me or get embarrassed by me, you know?” Cal nods his head but stays quiet. “I guess that, even though I loved Tom, I always felt a bit too dowdy for him.”
“You have never been dowdy, Luce.”
“Maybe not to you, but it’s how I felt.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because I always told myself that I was being silly, insecure, needy. I voiced my feelings to Tom once, but he just brushed them aside and I never mentioned it again. Then when I found him and Carley together, I hit an all-time low. It confirmed what I thought about myself. I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, refined enough. Anyway,” I say with a wave of my hand. “Michael made me feel different. He made me feel as though I was the only person that mattered. He made me feel good, Cal, really good.”
The memories of our first few months together flood my brain. I close my eyes as I allow myself a moment to remember how good it was.
“So, what went wrong?” Cal interrupts me, his voice quiet and concerned. I open my eyes and take a deep breath. I need to get this out. I need him to try and help me understand what I did wrong.
“I don’t know exactly, but Michael started to behave differently when I moved in with him. Not straight away, it was gradual. It was so fucking gradual that I never saw it coming. I never thought that I would be put in that position. How someone who was meant to love you could hurt you so much.”
