Page 65 of Losing Control
“What did he do?”
“He…” The idea of saying it chokes me. My throat feels like it is closing up.
Admitting this to another person is going to make it all the more real. I have spent months trying to hide it, so as much as I need to tell Cal, I’m also aware that voicing it will be a confirmation of sorts.
“It’s okay, take your time,” Cal says softly.
I look at him and let a small smile play on my lips. He moves closer and sits directly in front of me, his legs crossed just like mine are. He takes my hands in his and holds them, rubbing his thumbs over my knuckles. It’s soothing.
“He didn’t like me going out without him. I just put it down to his insecurities, so I didn’t allow myself to dwell on it too much. I figured that it was my place to show him that I wasn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it worked, and other times it didn’t.”
Other memories flood my mind, and none of them are good. The feel of his hand on my face, the force with which he kicked me, punched me, the hateful words.
“He… He got so angry with me, told me that I wasn’t behaving as a girlfriend should.” My heart is starting to pound as I relive it. I haven’t even been away from him for twenty-four hours yet, and my heart still hurts.
“He would say cruel things to me, make me feel worthless, but he would always explain why it was my fault that he had reacted in such a hurtful way. My mind was convinced that it was all my doing. I needed to change. I needed to be better.”
“Lucy,” Cal whispers and I can hear the strain in his voice, the pain that he is feeling along with me. The tears can no longer be stopped, and they fall down my face as I fight to get the words out.
“The first time he hit me, I walked out, went to Kim’s.” Cal gasps but I ignore it and carry on speaking, if I don’t then I won’t get everything out.
“He came to find me, told me he was sorry, it wouldn’t happen again, and I believed him. I loved him, so why wouldn’t I forgive him? He was okay for a short while, but then he hit me again. That along with his words made me scared, fearful. I pushed you and Kim away. He made me feel like I couldn’t tell anyone, and I just kept making excuses for his behaviour. I dreaded anyone asking me to do anything because I knew that it would set Michael off. He was the one who took my phone away so that I had limited contact with you. He didn’t like you in my life, that was obvious, but again, I tried to excuse it. Put it down to the fact that most guys would feel a little insecure about our close bond.”
Cal’s jaw is clenched tight, but I continue to get the words out.
“I never wanted to lose you, but I didn’t want to piss Michael off further, so I chose the cowardly option. Instead of standing up to him, I allowed him to take over aspects of my life. He even managed to get himself on my project at work because he didn’t like that I was working with Tyler.” I scoff at how ridiculous this all sounds.
How could I have been so naïve and stupid?
“Last night he tried to drown me as I took a bath. He held me under the water as I tried to get him off of me.” My whole body is trembling now, and Cal has my hands gripped inside his.
“I think he frightened himself at how far he had gone. I knew then that it was over, that I had to get out. I thought I was going to die, Cal, I really thought that he was going to kill me.”
Cal lets go of my hands and moves me so that I am embraced in his arms. He holds me, just as he did last night. It feels good to tell someone, but fresh pain surges through me because the relief of telling someone also brings with it a burden that I may have just changed their opinion of me.
I don’t want Cal to view me differently, and I now see that I have so much left to battle and no energy left to fight.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Recuperation
Cal spends the day looking after me. I have been lying in bed all day, watching films with Cal right by my side.
After telling him about what has been going on with me all these months, I guess he just wanted to try and help me relax, feel safe.
We hear the doorbell ring and Cal jumps up, grabbing his wallet from the bedside table.
“That’s the pizza,” he says as if it wasn’t obvious seeing as we ordered food about half an hour ago.
I pick up the remote control and pause the DVD that we have been watching as Cal bounds from the bedroom.
I look to the ceiling feeling a mixture of emotions, much as I have done for months now. The main feeling though is feeling safe. Michael can’t get to me here. He doesn’t even know where Cal lives, and I thank God that I never told him.
A few minutes go by and Cal still hasn’t returned with the pizza. With my stomach grumbling, I push myself off of the bed and pad out into the hallway.
As I near the top of the stairs, I can see that Cal has his arms folded. I descend the first step when the next voice to speak makes my blood run cold.
“Please can I see her?”
