Page 37 of These Wicked Desires

I have to take another deep breath, my frustration is rapidly growing and the last thing I need is for my own anger to filter over to Kai. “I love you guys. You are the breath in my lungs and the beating of my heart. But I’m this close to fucking snapping.” I hold my thumb and pointer finger centimeters from each other. “I’m your mate, your beloved, your soul-bonded. But I am still myself. I have my own thoughts and opinions. I control what I do. It’s my body, not yours. If you ever think you can pull that alphahole possessive bullshit on me, you will be very quickly corrected.”

Some of the fire leaves Kai’s gray eyes, but it’s replaced by a different fire, and he slowly pulls a pillow onto his lap. Cade rubs his face, his stubble scratching softly in the quiet. I watch him closely, because even though Kai will be hard to convince, I’m positive I can do it. Cade, however, will fight me because he doesn’t want to be the reason I do this.

Cade pushes from the couch and steps in front of me, taking my face in his palms. “Ellis, love, you know I can’t let you do this for me. I’ll never forgive myself for it.”

“You’ve done so much for me, though. You’ve sacrificed so much. I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to them.” Tears blur my view of him and my lips tremble. “Please Cade,” I whisper. “Please let me do this for you.”

He rests his forehead against mine and I cling to his shirt, silently begging him to agree. “Ellis …” He shakes his head, and my stomach drops.

I pull away, a few tears sliding down my cheeks. “I’m so tired of feeling useless. I’m just an object to protect and keep safe. Someplace for you guys to stick your dick inside with no thoughts or desires of my own. I guess I’ll just keep sitting back, looking pretty, and letting everyone make my decisions for me.”

My words hit their mark. Cade’s eyes widen and I see the devastation in them. I briefly want to take back what I said, but it’s the truth. At least how I see it. Swallowing, I open the front door and escape into the cool night air, letting the breeze dry the tears on my cheeks, only for new ones to appear.

The lake glistens in the distance and I turn away from it, not wanting the reminder of that night and how special I felt. How cherished. I know they love me. There is no denying it. But at some point, that love can become too possessive, and I’m scared that’s what is going to happen with them. I see their point of view, I hear it, I understand it. But at the end of the day, this should be my decision to make.

The grass tickles my bare feet when I step off the porch. Dew clings to the blades, making my soles damp and cold, but I curl my toes, digging into the hard earth. In just a t-shirt, my skin pebbles, but I’m not ready to go back inside yet. So I stand in the chilly night and look at the stars, wishing the sky would devour me.

Cade

Well fuck. Now what do I do? I stare at the door and let Ellis’s words cut through me over and over again, burning and slicing like a knife heated over a flame.

“I think we should seriously consider this,” Sterling says quietly.

“Are you fucking serious?” Kai snaps. “You want to let your mate release footage of her being raped by her ex?”

Sterling sighs. “Of course I don’t want her to do it. It makes me want to rage and destroy things. But she’s right. Ellis is her own person. She can make decisions for herself and we need to be able to respect that.”

“Sterling’s right,” I mumble, still staring at the door. “Ellis will always need her freedom. We can’t clip her wings and keep her caged no matter how much we may want to. She’ll grow to hate us if we do.”

Kai laughs but it's lacking in humor. “You agree? Don’t you guys realize what this will do to her?”

“Maybe,” Sterling says. “But maybe not. We shouldn’t discredit her without giving her a chance. She’s proven how strong she is. And for Cade? For any of us? That girl would walk through fire and come out on the other side smiling.”

She would. And knowing her, it will only make her even stronger. I have to let her do this. No matter how much I hate it. No matter how much I’ll end up blaming myself for any pain she has to go through. If I don’t let her, something will break within her—between us—that we’ll never be able to repair.

I release a breath, shoulders slumping in defeat, and step out into the night. She’s standing barefoot in the grass, arms wrapped around her middle, staring up at the stars. Even from here I can see her shivering. Stubborn woman. I cross the yard and wrap my arms around her, pulling her back against my chest. Her skin is chilled, and I do my best to warm it with my own body.

My magic surfaces on its own, weaving through her hair and caressing her bare arms in faint warmth. She holds herself stiff at first, then relaxes, letting her head rest against my shoulder. I can’t help but smile, knowing I’ll always have this. No matter what’s happening between us, I’ll always have her.

I place a kiss on her temple, lingering for a few seconds just to inhale her scent. “I’m sorry, love. I hope you know I never intentionally made you feel that way.” She says nothing, but nods her head. “I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing, but I see it now. And I’m so sorry. I never want you to feel like you’re just an object. Nothing could be further from the truth.”

She turns in my arms, buries her face in my t-shirt, and I hold her a little tighter, hoping I can convey just how sorry I am. “I know you guys don’t mean to do it.” Her words are muffled, swallowed up by the fabric of my shirt. “I just wish you would take a few seconds to collect yourselves before you act. You didn’t even give my idea any thought before shooting it down. All because of how you felt about it.”

“Yeah. You’re right.” I pull back far enough to look in her eyes. It breaks my heart to see them so sad. “I need to do better. This is still so new for all of us, and we’re all still learning. That’s no excuse, I know, but …” I trail off and shrug.

“Thank you for realizing it,” she whispers before snuggling against me again.

I wish I could let her stay like that, but I need to be looking at her for what I have to say next. Pushing her away gently, I tilt her head up with my thumbs under her chin. “I don’t like this idea of yours. I don’t agree with it. But we can do it. As long as we talk it through and have a solid plan.”

Her amber eyes light up, and how she can be so excited for this to happen is beyond me. “Thank you.”

“Let’s go inside and warm up. We have a lot to talk about.”

She nods and threads our fingers together before heading back inside. Kai looks grumpy, arms crossed over his chest and brows drawn down over his gray eyes. Eyes that have the barest ring of red around the iris. This isn’t going to be easy on him. Instead of taking a seat, I grab a bottle of blood bourbon and a bottle of regular bourbon from the kitchen and bring them back to the living room. Kai snags the bottle from me and twists the top off with quick bursts of aggressive movement. I open mine much more calmly and offer it to Sterling first.

“I think there are a couple holes in this plan we need to solve before any of us agree to it.” Even though we’ve all caved and know this is going to happen, whether we like it or not. “The biggest issue I see with this is that it doesn’t impact Thomas at all.”

“Cade’s right,” Sterling says, handing me the bottle of bourbon. “There is no proof he was aware of what was happening.”

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