Page 12 of These Wicked Desires

I pull away and grimace. “I’m sorry,” I hiccup, trying to wipe my tears from his chest which is now wet and shiny.

He shakes his head and lifts my chin, wiping my cheeks. “Talk to me, kitten. Where did you go, and why was it so important to have Drew take you without telling us?”

I swallow and duck my head against his chest again, unable to look at him while I admit what I did. “I went to see Cole,” I mumble.

He jerks, but he keeps his arms around me. “What? Why?”

“Because I know how much you want to challenge Noah. And I know you won’t do it without Cole. But I also know you won’t talk to him even though you want to.” I pull back and look at him, searching his gaze for anger. It’s there, but he’s not near as angry as Kai. “I lost my sister. I mean, I thought I lost her. Maybe I still have, who knows what she’ll be like when we rescue her. I live with that pain every day. Wanting to talk to her. Wanting to share my life with her. But I can’t. And it sucks. It really, really sucks.” I have to pause to swallow down more tears. “But Cole is still alive. You haven’t lost him. I just thought if I could do something to help you guys repair what’s been broken, then you wouldn’t have to live with the pain of missing your brother like I miss my sister.”

Sterling deflates, his shoulder slumping. He rests his forehead against mine. “How the hell can I be mad at you for thinking like that?” He pulls away and takes my face gently in his hands. “You know you shouldn’t have left without us knowing, right? It was dangerous, and if something had happened to you …” he trails off, unable to finish that thought. “I haven’t been that scared before in my life,” he whispers, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “Not knowing where you were. Not knowing if you were in danger or hurt. It was terrifying.”

Tears build on my lashes again, but I blink them away. “I’m sorry. I know it was wrong. I know I shouldn’t have done it. I never wanted to scare you guys.” I rub my chest. “There was something inside me that told me I had to do it. I can’t explain but, it was like a tug in my chest that I had to follow. I almost want to say it was something I had to do, like as a harpy. The pull was so strong.”

Sterling studies me with a frown. “You’re saying you think it’s part of your job as a harpy to make sure I become alpha?”

I shrug and wipe my cheeks again. “It makes sense. Noah has to be taken care of for many reasons. Bringing balance back to the wolves seems like a pretty important job.”

He nods his head slowly. “What did Cole say?”

“He didn’t say anything, but I didn’t give him a chance to. I just told him my story in the hopes it would make him realize you did what you had to do.”

“You told him everything?” Sterling asks quietly.

“Everything about me. Well, except the harpy part and being bonded to all three of you. There wasn’t time to go into that.”

He nods. “You still shouldn’t have done it without telling us.”

“I know. I’m so sorry, Sterling.”

“I know you are.” He pulls me against him again and I let his warmth wrap around me.

“Cade and Kai …”

“Give them time. Kai especially. I can’t explain the terror we all felt. They’ll have to process this in their own way and their own time.”

I release a breath and let the knowledge that at least one of my Shields still loves me settle the unease in my gut. He holds me tightly until the bedroom door opens. I look up to see Cade standing in the doorway. His hair is mussed, but I can’t tell if that’s because he’s been running his hands through it or if Kai has. My gaze drops to his neck where two fresh puncture marks mar the surface.

I’m not prepared for the angry jealousy that sweeps through me. I’ve never felt that way with the two of them. I love how much they love each other, and I’ve never not wanted them to be together. But this is different. This hurts so much worse because I know it’s my fault. Kai chose Cade because of what I did.

I swallow down the tears that burn the back of my throat and bury my face in Sterling’s chest, unable to look at Cade and the reminder that Kai fed from him and not me. Cade sighs, and the bed dips as he sits.

“Ellis,” he says gently and places his hand on my thigh. When I don’t respond, he sighs again and climbs to the top of the bed next to Sterling. “I know you’re upset that Kai fed from me, but there was nothing sexual about it this time. He was worried if he fed from you he would end up hurting you. That’s all it was.”

I still say nothing because it was my fault. And I can’t help the guilt that has been weighing me down since I saw them standing on the front porch. I knew they would be angry, but I never really thought about why they would be angry. I didn’t think about how much me disappearing without a word would scare them. Why did I do it? I wish I could go back and start over. Maybe I’d be able to convince them to take me to talk to Cole. But then again, what if I couldn’t have?

I don’t lift my head from Sterling’s chest, but I raise my gaze to look at Cade. He’s leaning against the headboard with his head tipped back and eyes closed. There’s a strain around his eyes and mouth, like he still hasn’t completely shaken the worry and fear.

“I think making sure Sterling becomes alpha of the pack is part of my duties as harpy,” I say. “There was something inside me that wouldn’t settle until I talked to Cole. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys. I’m sorry I scared you. But I was worried you would say no, and I really needed to do this.”

Cade opens his eyes and looks at me. He studies me, his violet gaze piercing me straight to my soul. “I could see that being the case. Removing Noah would restore a lot of balance within the wolves.” He runs his hand through his hair, messing it up further. “But that doesn’t make it okay. You should have told us. You shouldn’t have left the wards without one of us. Ellis, what if Sam found you?” His voice cracks, emotion filling him and overflowing as he tries his hardest to keep his fears under control.

While his words make me panic at the just the thought of Sam finding me, I can also see the panic in his eyes as he thinks about it. My lips tremble again, and tears blur my vision … again.

“I’m sorry,” I say between hiccuping sobs. “I don’t know what to do to make you guys trust me again. And I … I know it was wrong. I just … I needed to …” Where is my anger? Why do I just feel sad about all of this? I just want my guys to not be angry with me anymore.

“Oh, Ellis. Come here.” He holds open his arms, and I can’t resist the pull to climb onto his lap. He holds me close and I inhale his scent, letting it calm me. “Love, I know you’re sorry. I just need you to understand how dangerous it was. I’m not mad at you. I still trust you. I was just … terrified.” He shudders under me, and his hand traces circles on my back.

With Sterling sitting next to us, and both of their hands on me, the adrenaline coursing through me evaporates. I spent all morning working on shifting with Sterling. Then I shared my entire story with Cole and Sterling’s mom. Topping off my day with all the crying and worrying and guilt, I’m utterly exhausted—physically, mentally, and emotionally. My eyes grow heavy, and the steady thumping of Cade’s heart under my ear lulls me closer and closer to sleep.

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