Page 67 of Tempting

Sometimes I think coming here is weird. It’s not like I even open my mouth to talk to her. But in my mind, I have this entire conversation with my mom. Almost like a diary entry without the notebook.

The crunch of leaves behind me has me spinning to find Juliette walking toward me. She’s wearing knee-high black boots and a long black coat Mom would have loved. And when I look past her, I see Becket standing next to the Mercedes Benz AMG, giving Jules her space to be with Mom.

“Fancy meeting you here,” she says with a sad smile as she lays a beautiful bouquet of daisies down on top of the headstone. “Happy birthday, Liz,” she whispers, then sits on the marble bench next to Mom’s grave. “You okay, Kenz?”

I nod, a little choked up.

“I still miss her,” I whisper through a quiet sob. “I miss her so much, Jules.”

She pats the seat next to her, and I sit down and lean my head on her shoulder.

“Me too, kiddo. Me too. It’s been almost fifteen years, and I can still hear her voice in my head, telling me what to do.”

I wipe my eyes and try to control my breathing. “I can’t hear her voice anymore, and I really wish I could. There’s so much I want to ask her.”

Jules runs her hand over my head, smoothing my hair down my back, a sob catching in her throat. “I know I’ll never be your mom, Kenzie, but I hope you know I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.”

“Oh, Juliette. I know that. I promise you, I know. I’ve just been so stuck in my own head lately, and I keep remembering this one thing she used to say. I wish I could ask her about it.” My heart feels like it’s cracking in half. “I hope you know if I couldn’t have my mom, you were always the next best thing, Jules. I can’t imagine what I would have done without you in my life.”

She pulls me into a hug and holds me there.

“You are the only daughter I will ever have, Mackenzie. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t give birth to you. You’re still mine, and your mom was willing to share you with me if she had to...”

“Great,” I say between tears. “Now we’re both crying.”

“Yeah... Liz and I used to do that a lot too. You look so much like her.” She wipes her face, then reaches inside her Chanel purse. Always Chanel for Jules. She pulls out a folded piece of paper, frayed from years of opening and refolding, and runs a hand over it reverently. “I’ve kept this for nearly fifteen years. I used to read it whenever I wasn’t sure what I was doing and I needed some Liz energy.”

She hands the paper to me, then waits as I look at it, immediately recognizing the looping J of Mom’s handwriting in Juliette’s name written across the top. I slowly peel it open, careful not to rip the decades old paper.

Jules,

If you’re reading this, then I guess I did the right thing in writing it.

Son of a bitch. I really didn’t want you to ever have to see this. Sometimes I despise my need to be responsible and organized. But I think those two qualities may come in handy for you.

A few days ago, I had to go to a funeral and ended up consoling a coworker whose husband had died unexpectedly. I just kept thinking how lucky their kids were to still have their mother. That led me down a rabbit hole. If something happened to me, who would my kids have? My mom and stepdad? That can’t happen. Jesus. I couldn’t get out of that house fast enough. There’s no way I’d ever want to put my babies through that kind of loveless childhood.

I’m a little embarrassed to say, until now, I’ve never drawn up a will before. I’ve had life insurance, but that’s as much as I’ve done. I’ve fixed that. There’s a trust for the kids, and you’re the trustee. There should be more than enough for anything you could need.

Once everything was set up, I picked up the phone to call you.

I swear I did. Hell, I’m staring at it again as I write this.

But I guess I’m a chicken shit, because I stared at the damn phone for so long, I thought I was being silly and paranoid. Nothing was actually going to happen to me. This is just a precaution.

Even as I sit here writing this letter and crying into my red wine at the mere thought of not being here, I know I’m being ridiculous. I really hope the only time you see this is when we’re old and gray, sitting next to each other with sweet teas spiked with good vodka and laughing at how stupid I was...

But just in case I’m not, here goes.

The only person in this world I trust to love my babies anywhere near as much as I do is you, Juliette. I can only imagine if you’re reading this, something horrible and completely unexpected has happened, and if I know you, your head is spinning. But here’s the thing, Jules. I need you. Easton and Kenzie need you. You’ve always been so good at jumping into life feet first, and I’m going to need you to do that one more time for me.

Take tonight and get your shit together, Jules. Figure out whatever you need to figure out, then go get my kids. I’m guessing my mom has them.

Go. Get. Them.

Do it before she fucks them up the way she fucks everything else up.

Love them, Juliette. The rest will come.

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