Page 32 of Falling for my First Crush

“Well, don’t overdo it- even playing catch with your little buddy here. You know, Joe… I just want you to be happy.”

Jackie pauses as she regards me for a long moment, but I can’t decipher the expression on her face. “I’ll see you later, right? To finalize all the stuff for the Tribute tomorrow night?”

“Right,” I say.

With that, Jackie turns and jogs away. Tibby, I mean Gidget, barks, either to get my attention or to express her displeasure with Jackie leaving. I look down at my dog, and I think about saying to her that I feel the same way, but I just pick up her stick and toss it again. My emotions are all over the place, and I’m not sure how to proceed. I need to get myself together before the big Tribute tomorrow night.

Nineteen

JACKIE

Ijog away with a smile on my face. He took my name suggestion. My heart is beating faster than I thought even possible. And it’s not because I’m running. I’m struggling to be honest with myself about all of the things that have happened with Joe in the past few weeks, maybe even all the way back to childhood.

When Joe first moved in next door with his grandparents, I was eleven. And I was right on the edge of puberty. Everything about me was awkward. I had braces, a face full of pimples, and greasy hair. I had to be told to shower. Looking back now, I wonder how I ever survived, but I know that I need to give myself some grace, because a lot of eleven-year-olds are exactly the same as I was.

So Joe moved in, and I fell head over heels in puppy love with him. I know that at eleven no one really falls in love, but for me it was the first time I had ever felt anything like that before. I might have noticed other boys before that, but I don’t really remember any crushes before Joe. Everything he did seemed to make my heart beat, like it’s hammering away right now.

That’s the truth, and I’ve never admitted it to anyone before, not even my diary. After a few months, I realized that he was never going to notice me in that way, and I buried the feelings deep down inside of me. I denied them even to myself. It would have been horribly embarrassing for me to have been found out for such a silly little crush.

When it became clear that he had fallen in love with Maia, I resolved to never ever admit to anyone that I ever had any sort of feelings for him. I put it to the back of my mind and assumed it would just take care of itself and dissipate into thin air as I grew up.

Now that he’s come back into my life, though, I have to wonder if maybe I should have dealt with and worked through those feelings. I’ve been acting like a jealous, spurned woman. And the reality is that I only want Joe to be happy, and if that means being with Maia, then I hope that’s what he gets.

I run harder, sprinting down a straightaway on the edge of downtown Cranberry Creek. The exertion feels good, and I like that all I can hear is the pounding of my footsteps in my ears. My breath comes harder, so I’m forced to slow down. I realize that I’m near Violet’s studio. We haven’t had a painting lesson in a while, and I find that I really miss it. I wish that Joe had let me teach him what Violet has taught me.

The Lits are meeting in a little while. If I don’t get home soon, I won’t be able to take a shower before the Book Club meeting. Not that any of my friends would really care. I’ve probably smelled worse around them before; I know that some of them definitely have.

We’ve all been around each other at both our best and worse states. I love this about my friends. We are also comfortable and truly ourselves with one another, and we see each other through better and worse. I think about how blessed we are often. I don’t know how many people have such close, real friendships like The Lits do.

And it’s not just one or two of us in the group that have such genuine friendships; I know we all feel that way as a collective whole group of six. It’s remarkable if you ask me. If anyone else were to ever join Book Club, I can’t really say. It’s hard for me to imagine someone new coming in at this point, with how much our group has gone through and how well we know each other.

But who knows — maybe there’s another Lit somewhere out there! Anyway, I should probably think about the book before I get to Book Club meeting today! Being unprepared for our discussion is more sacrilegious than smelling bad to our devoted group!

Little Women isn’t exactly what I thought it would be. Even though I like the book, I will finally admit that I find some of the parallels with my own life disconcerting. When we had our last Book Club meeting, all my friends said that I reminded them of the youngest March sister, Amy. At first I thought it was because I am the youngest of four sisters myself, but now I wonder if it’s because she marries the man who is in love with her sister. Obviously, I have no plans to marry Joe, but my story kind of follows the storyline of the book. He is in love with my sister.

My phone buzzes, and I pull it out of the pocket in my leggings. “Hey, Violet, what’s up?” I ask, slowing down to a walk so that I can catch my breath.

“We were wondering if you’re still planning to come to Book Club today,” Violet says. I can hear talking in the background, and I recognize some of the voices.

“Of course,” I say. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, everyone else has been here since three-thirty,” Violet says, trailing off.

“Wow, everyone got there early today,” I say. “Don’t let me keep you. I’ll jump in when I get there. Can I ask why everyone got there so early?”

“Early? Jackie, Book Club started at three-thirty today,” Violet says. “We had to change the time, remember?”

“Nope, I forgot that,” I say slowly, drawing out my words as I try to remember this information.

“How soon can you get over here?” Violet asks.

I stop on the corner of the street and make a few mental calculations. If I jog over, I can be at Violet’s house in fifteen minutes. I tell her that, and she says, “We’ll wait until you get here. Hurry, though, or you won’t get any snacks.”

Laughing, I hang up. I can’t believe that I forgot that Book Club started earlier today. We never start at three-thirty. I guess a shower isn’t really a choice that I have today after all. Maybe Violet has something that I can throw on over the top of my sweaty clothes. They’ll all understand, though. Running is one of the things that makes me so happy.

I push myself to run above what I am normally comfortable with. My dad always drilled into us girls that if you aren’t actively trying, you’re already failing. I’m not sure that it totally applies to this situation, but I do think that it motivates me. I make it to Violet’s house faster than I thought possible. By the time I turn into the gated driveway, I’m sweating harder than I think I’ve ever sweated before.

Pressing the buzzer, I say, “It’s Jackie, for Book Club.”

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