Page 16 of Falling for my First Crush

Ten

JOE

Istare at the text on my phone. After the fire shift that I just had, I needed this text. But I wouldn’t have even dared to hope for this. Jackie has invited me to have dinner at her house with her whole family. That means that Maia will be there. I can feel my pulse pick up at the thought of seeing her again after all these years.

To be fair, I’m looking forward to seeing the whole Moretti clan. I spent so much time with them over the years that they were like my family in many ways. I’ve missed them, but I didn’t allow myself to admit that. Why would I? First, I went away to the military, and then to fight wildfires. I learned how to compartmentalize my feelings. Putting away anyone that I missed was a big survival strategy for me. Now, I’m not sure how to undo that.

I quickly text back what I hope sounds like a casual message, asking for the time and day. While I wait for the reply back, I wander around the apartment I’ve been renting since I moved back to Cranberry Creek. Will a dog be okay here? I know that I’ll be bringing her to the station with me when I’m working, and that set up is already worked out. I remind myself that it’s just a short term situation.

With the addition of a dog bed, some food and a leash, I think I’m all set. I think she’ll be happy. Adam’s wife brought over several dogs that were in need of foster homes. I chose a three-year-old dog that looks like she probably has basset hound in her. The shelter has been calling her Tibby, so that’s what I am going to keep calling her.

In truth, I’m pretty excited about getting a dog, even if it’s just for a short time. I’ll let my landlord know this week. I’m not sure when Tibby is going to be joining me, but I have the next forty-eight hours off to get things ready.

Tonight around seven.

I stare at Jackie’s return text. Seven o’clock tonight? That’s in four hours. Dang. I need to get moving if I’m going to dinner at the Moretti house tonight. If nothing else, I need to take a shower. I’ll wear something nicer than jeans and a t-shirt, but not something that looks too obvious that I’m trying to dress to impress. I haven’t been this nervous since I was going on dates in high school.

Sorry for the short notice.

Another text from Jackie. I stare at it for longer than I should. I’m not sure what to say to her. I feel like there needs to be something said. I’m just not sure what. She’s been so mad at me since we reconnected, and I think I know why. I’m not stupid, despite some of my behavior the past few weeks. Jackie wants her friend back, not just as a means to get closer to her sister. Even though that has been part of my intention in spending time with Jackie again, that’s not the only reason that I want to be around her.

I feel chastised by my conscience. Jackie was one of my best friends growing up. All the Moretti girls were. When I first met the family, Jackie and Sabina were pretty young. I would come over to hang out with Gianna and Maia, and the younger two would follow us around. But as we all grew up, things changed, and we all became friends. Jackie had a fierce loyalty to her family and friends that I always admired, and I counted myself lucky to be among them.

She was my confidante; one of the first people I told about my feelings toward Maia. I remember that interaction so clearly. I was giving her a ride home from school. She wasn’t yet in middle school, and I was bumming around Cranberry Creek a couple years after I graduated, unsure what I wanted to do with my life. I tried to fill my days with being helpful to others. That helped some of my restlessness.

That particular day I had volunteered to pick up Jackie and drive her home from school. We were cruising down the street, and I just blurted out, “I’m in love with Maia.”

Jackie turned toward me with an expression that told me she thought I was an idiot. “You’ve had a crush on her for years,” she said in an infuriatingly calm voice. “Everyone knows about it. Even Maia. You aren’t in love with her.”

“I am, though,” I said, miserably.

“Well, she’s not in love with you, Joe,” Jackie said.

If I had been a sensitive type, that might have crushed me, even though Jackie was just trying to tell the truth. I had always admired Jackie’s penchant to tell the truth, but at that moment in time, it really ticked me off. I considered making her walk the rest of the way home. I knew that wouldn’t have gone over well with Maia, though, so I just kept driving.

“I mean, I don’t think you could know that, Jackie,” I said. “I haven’t even told Maia yet.”

“She just started dating Max Sheffield,” Jackie said, again in the same matter-of-fact tone. She didn’t say it like she was trying to hurt me, but she wanted me to know what was going on.

“So?” I countered. “Who cares? Maia and I are meant for each other. I just know it. Are they serious?”

Jackie shrugged. “She likes him a lot.”

“She likes me a lot, too,” I said.

“Like a brother,” Jackie said. There was a flash of anger in her voice. “Like a friend.”

That was the first time I felt venom from Jackie. When I glanced over at her in surprise, she wouldn’t meet my eyes. She faced straight ahead and refused to say anything else to me. When we got to her house, she thanked me, got out of the car, and slammed the door, before rushing into the house without looking back.

We never spoke of my crush again. The secret was just something that existed between us. It seemed that she was right and Maia probably was not in love with me back then, although she told me that she wasn’t in love with Max either. She wanted to “experience the world on her own”, explore her options.

It turns out that I never did find out if Jackie was right for sure. I never had the guts to ask Maia myself. Instead, I joined the military. Air Force to be exact. I saw combat, and it messed me up to some degree.

I made a conscious decision to almost completely cut off my past. But at Christmas each year, I would always send cards to the Moretti family. Each of the girls would message me back around Christmas, too, but I got the impression that they were encouraged to do so by their mother. Jackie was the only one who seemed enthusiastic to contact me. As she got older, she would email me from time to time. I rarely responded. Things had changed between us, and I didn’t know how to bridge the gap.

I’m still thinking about that day all those years ago, as I step out of the shower. There were so many things that I would do differently about the past. I was really just a foolish kid, and there was so much that I didn’t know. Tonight, I am going to start to repair the damage that I’ve caused.

After what feels like an eternity of staring into my closet, I decide that I’m going to wear a nice white button down shirt with a pair of jeans. I feel good in this, but not like I’m trying too hard. When I leave the house, I feel like this evening could turn out to be better than I could have ever imagined.

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