Page 15 of Falling for my First Crush

“I feel like Louisa May Alcott made her a really important character, without making her a ‘really important character’. Does that even make any sense?” Ella asks.

“I get where you’re going with that idea,” Kaylee says. “Marmee’s just kind of always there. Like the girls always know they can count on her being there no matter what. I love the idea, Ella, even if it doesn’t have much basis in reality.”

I lean back to consider my own thoughts on Marmee. She seems a lot like my own mother actually. Although my mother does occasionally take sides when my own sisters and I fight, she has definitely always been there for all of us. It’s just a fact of life that I must normally take for granted. I’m reluctant to share my thoughts with my friends, even though they have known my mother most of their lives. For the first time, I am acutely aware of how lucky I am.

Instead, I can’t help myself, and I blurt out, “Joe Lawrence is back in Cranberry Creek.”

This brings the conversation to a halt. “Seriously?” Marissa asks.

I nod, relieved that we’re done talking about mothers. “I ran into him at the hospital. He’s volunteering with the Wounded Vet program that Sabina is attending. Apparently he’s working as a firefighter now.”

“Has he asked Maia out on a date yet?” Ella asks. Violet shushes her, but I don’t understand why. Still the question makes me mad, and I try to hide my irritation.

“No, why would he do that?” I say, trying to sound like I don’t care, even though I weirdly do.

“Because he’s been in love with her forever,” Ella says, swatting away Violet’s hand.

“Whatever,” I say, rolling my eyes. “Maia is dating someone right now, and no, it’s not Joe. I can’t remember his name. We haven’t met him yet.”

“Okay, we’ve talked enough about Joe,” Addie says, and I can’t help but feel grateful to her. “What themes of friendship do you guys see in the book?”

“All the March girls are friends with Laurie,” Ella says. “But their friendships with him all play out in different ways.”

“I think the sisters are all close friends with one another, too… even if they do have their spats and arguments,” Kaylee adds.

“The author does a great job of showing how different friendships can mean different things throughout our lives,” Violet says.

“That’s kind of like the way my sisters and I have been friends with Joe, but he definitely meant something different to each of us,” I say.

Marissa glances at me with a bemused expression on her face, and I feel like I’m missing something. “That’s a good example in real life,” she says.

“Do you think that Joe is using me to get close to Maia?” I ask. Again, I can’t help myself.

There is another exchange of glances. I really don't know what is going on with me. It’s like the words just keep oozing out of my mouth.

“Sorry,” I mumble, looking down at my hands.

“Why do you think Joe is using you?” Addie asks, her voice soft with pity. I wish that I had never opened my mouth, but here we are.

I shake my head. “I shouldn’t have brought it up. It’s dumb. He asked me to go for a run with him, and he kept bringing up Maia.”

“You know that he’s been in love with her literally our whole lives,” Ella says.

“Not our whole lives,” I say, rolling my eyes. “We haven’t known him our whole lives.”

“You know what I mean,” Ella says.

“I just don’t like the idea of being used,” I say. “I want Joe to like me for me. As a friend. Not as a little kid.”

“Oh, Jackie,” Violet says. “I’m sure that he doesn’t see you as a little kid.”

“But what if he does?” I ask.

“Then he’s an idiot,” Ella says.

There is a resounding chorus of agreement, and then we get back to discussing the book. I can’t focus, though. I know that there’s more talk about how different each of the sisters is. I should have something intelligent or pithy to add, since I am one of four sisters. This book should scream to me with recognition, but the truth is, I don’t see my sisters in the characters. And I absolutely don’t see myself in Amy. I keep coming back to that thought. Trying to connect it to me and Joe somehow. I can’t, of course.

When Addie brings up self-discovery and personal growth, I check out mentally. It’s not that I’m trying to be rude. I’m just trying to figure out how I feel. If I thought that talking about the book could help me do that, then I would force myself to pay attention to the discussion. As it is, I don’t think that there’s anything that will help me puzzle out the tangle of emotions that I’m stuck in. I’m glad that we have another Book Club session in a week. Maybe by then I’ll have everything figured out.

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