Page 78 of Savage

“No.” Hunter shakes his head. “That’s one of the rules or limits we can discuss.” He chuckles briefly. “I went to Giulio because I didn’t want a relationship with rules or limits. But now… I’d rather have that than not have you at all.”

I believe him. I don’t know why, but I do. “You know I don’t have a choice,” I say, still staring at the IV. “Without you, I’d be stuck somewhere worse than even Ntimacy. I’d be dead within a year, if even that.”

That’s not the reason I want to stay with him, but I don’t know how to say that.

Hunter purses his lips. “Do you want me to help you get back to your family? Is that better than staying with me?”

The thought of trying to go back to my family is worse than staying with him. Not worse than being forced somewhere worse than Ntimacy, but… I don’t want to go back to them.

“Even if they accepted me back,” and they wouldn’t, “I’d lose myself again.” I squeeze my eyes shut, wiping again in a futile effort to get rid of my tears. “I like a lot of what you do to me. I don’t know why. I shouldn’t. But I’m also…” I look at him. “I’m also bored and lonely and it makes me want to do awful things because I feel like I’m just a toy you put on the shelf when you’re done with me.”

“Because that’s what you were,” Hunter says. “And I didn’t trust you not to… not to run. Not to do something that would ruin things.” He straightens his shoulders. “But that’s one thing we can change. I won’t lock you up. You can have free rein of the condo. Did you have other hobbies? I have another spare room we could convert for you.”

It sounds impossible, and amazing, and like something far more than what I’m worth—and that drops my mood again. “I don’t deserve all of that,” I say, choking back a sob. “God, I don’t… I don’t. I’m just a fuckup, Mas—” I realize where I am, and amend, “Hunter.”

Hunter scoots his chair closer and strokes my face, making me go still. “I’ll help you. You’ll grow strong with me. You’ll… you’ll get healthy, and we’ll work on things until you won’t feel the need to… make these choices.”

“And what if I fuck up again?” I whisper, because I need to hear it again. I need him to tell me that he won’t shatter me again. “What will you do to me?”

“I can’t promise I won’t get angry. But I’ll… I’ll control myself. We can talk about what you want from me when we’re home.” He presses his forehead against mine. “I just want you to be safe and healthy, Stef.”

Home.

It’s such a foreign word to me that I don’t know how to react to it. “Are you going to punish me for making a mess of the… the bed and… and the mirror?”

He stares at me, then laughs. It’s not a cruel laugh though, but actually joyful, and it makes me smile despite myself. “I forgot about that. No, I’ll tell the housekeeper to deal with it.”

I feel bad for the housekeeper, whoever they are, but I’m mostly relieved I don’t have to do it.

There’s so much I want to talk about, so much I want to discuss, but… in the end, if I’m going to make this leap, I realize I have to trust him to take care of me. “Okay, I whisper, touching his cheek with my bandaged hand.

I don’t tell him that I really don’t feel like I have a choice. He seems so hopeful, and it’s strange, and I don’t want to ruin this moment.

There will be plenty of time to do that later on, I’m sure, because despite his words… He wants perfection, and I’m not perfect.

But that’s a problem for another day.

CHAPTER 20

Stef

I breathe a sigh of relief when Hunter unlocks the door to the condo a few days later, beyond ready to be out of the hospital and back home.

It feels like home now, too, even though the stark white of the place is a little less than welcoming. Maybe I can talk him into adding a few throw pillows and a blanket for the couch that have some sort of color… But I’m getting ahead of myself, and really, I don’t know anything about decorating.

Maybe it’s dumb to want to leave some sort of a mark here, but I kind of want to see if Hunter is in earnest about making this my home too.

I still don’t know what strings he pulled to keep me from being sent to some sort of institution after… after, but I’m grateful for it. The last thing I need is to constantly be on high alert that I might say something about Ntimacy, or Giulio, or that I didn’t get to Hunter’s by choice.

No one would understand my decision to stay, too. At the very least, Hunter would seem like an abusive boyfriend, and any mental health professional I saw would think I needed to leave.

Maybe they’d be right.

Maybe they’d set me on a path where I could take care of myself, where I wouldn’t end up with someone like Dylan, where I wouldn’t end up in a place like Ntimacy because of drug debts.

The thought makes my heart squeeze painfully, because in the end, I’d be alone all over again. I’d only end up someone else’s prey—someone who doesn’t even pretend to care.

I look up at Hunter, fidgeting as he closes the door behind us. I don’t know what to say now. It feels like a new beginning, yet it’s also a continuation.

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