Page 109 of Ruining Vanessa

“No, I’m still full. Thank you, though.”

Silence falls between us again, and I find myself wishing all over again that I just hadn’t even tried. I should’ve gone to the bar with Tiago and Davidson. Fuck their suggestions of a bubble bath; I need liquor and a hot woman to fuck.

Except I have liquor here I don’t feel like touching, and a beautiful woman who feels out of reach now.

“Some guy was beating down some prostitutes,” I burst out without even thinking about what I’m saying. “It pissed me off.”

She jumps, startled, and looks at me.

I grit my teeth, berating myself for just saying whatever the fuck is coming to mind. “I never used to care, you know.”

Her eyes darken at that, and she turns back to the pan.

“Yeah. I’m a real piece of work. You know that. Just like Giulio, and Damien. All three of us are monsters, right? But there are worse monsters out there, and I guess having you around has made me see things a little differently,” I say, finally getting up to get a beer out of the fridge.

“If that makes you feel better,” she says quietly. Then her eyes widen, like she realizes what she just said, like she’s afraid I’m going to be pissed off at her.

I want to scowl at her, but I only sigh. “Look,” I say, plopping back down into the chair. “I know you think I’m a total dick, especially with the cop thing.”

“I didn’t say that,” Vanessa says quickly, flipping the omelet over without looking at me.

“You asked me that night why I became a cop,” I say, peeling the label on the beer bottle without taking a drink from it.

Her shoulders go tense, but she doesn’t look at me, doesn’t speak.

“None of us grew up in a happy home,” I say after a moment. “My dad, he was a cop. Always working, always up to one thing or the next. He’d come home, ranting and raving about how the perps got away with everything. How he couldn’t do anything because they’d always get out on a technicality.” I sigh.

She stays quiet, getting a plate from the cabinet but still not looking at me.

“He died,” I say bluntly. “In the line of duty. Guy was never even convicted of it. A cop killer, and nothing happened to him.” I laugh bitterly. “Yeah. That was… I don’t know. I joined the force, thinking it’d be the first thing I’d ever done to make him proud.”

Why am I telling her this? I take a large gulp from my beer, like that’ll help, but it doesn’t. It just reminds me of all the nights I’ve spent at home with beer and the TV, alone and miserable, when Giulio hasn’t needed me around.

Jesus Christ, when did I get so pathetic?

“My dad was angry all the time,” Vanessa says. She places the omelet in front of me, then sits down on the chair farthest away. “And my mom was a drunk. Still is a drunk, probably. But you already know all that. You know everything about me.”

I pick up a fork and stab into the omelet, taking a bite. “Yeah. It’s not fair, is it?”

She shakes her head. “But none of this is fair, is it? My sister is Victor Corvi’s… I don’t know. I don’t know what happened to her. My mom pretty much sold me out, my dad is dead, I’m carrying Giulio Pavone’s baby—”

Or mine, I want to say, but I don’t speak.

“—and I just wanted a normal life.”

“Yeah,” I say after I swallow my first bite. “Thanks for the food. Listen…” I look at her, and she meets my eyes. “I know you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Vanessa says. Lies.

I snort, taking another swig of beer. “Whatever. I still want to be a good uncle. To the baby, and all. I don’t know how to be a good uncle, but I figure I can learn.”

Vanessa plays with the sleeves of her dress, tugging at the fabric. I’ve rarely seen her so covered up, but Damien or Giulio did a good job finding something that she looks good in.

I really shouldn’t be thinking of her as hot when she isn’t even showing any skin.

“Why did you go to Benton with Giulio?” she asks after a long moment of silence.

I finish chewing my bite of eggs and sigh. “I already told you, I went through your phone, and there was all this shit, and it pissed me off,” I say. “He deserved to be put in his place. Giulio and Damien get pissed just because he exists, pretty much, and I thought… Ugh, it was a dumb idea.” I shake my head. “Don’t worry. Damien laid into me pretty hard about it. I get it. Nice feeling like a five-year-old who did something wrong.”

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