Page 22 of Until

"Oh, stop, Carina, raising you was the best thing I ever did. There is absolutely nothing you could do that would make me look any differently at you than I do every single day.”

“I know, but?—”

“There are no buts. Whatever is troubling you, you need to let it out. We need to talk about it. I don’t like seeing you all worried like this.”

I nod before sitting down on the edge of her bed. I take a deep breath and then tell her everything that happened with losing my job, meeting Alex, and our deal to go to that first ball.

"And this man Alex," she says., "Is there anything romantic between the two of you?"

“No! Oh, God, no. Don't get me wrong, he's a good-looking guy, but he's not my type. He’s at least twenty years older than me, and he's kind of a dick.” I stop and think about it for a moment. “But not always a dick. Sometimes, he’s pretty cool.”

Grandma laughs. "I've had some of my best love affairs with men who fit that description."

"Well, no. He's just a no. That's a no; it can’t happen. No. Besides, there's more I need to tell you."

"More?"

"Yes. I didn't get to tell you about the man in the mask. I don't even know his name, I don't know anything about him, but he’s all I can think of. We danced, and just being in his arms was amazing. And I don't know if it was being all dressed up like Cinderella at the ball, but he was like a dream come true, like Cinderella’s prince. He’s my prince. And I know how stupid that sounds because, like I said, I don't even know his name. I probably wouldn't even recognize him on the street. But I don't know, maybe somehow I would.”

I stop and think about his eyes, looking into mine as if he could see and know all of me from just a touch.

“There’s something about him,” I say. “Something familiar. I can’t explain it, but from the first moment I saw him, I felt like a jolt or a spark. As if something inside me finally woke up. And I know that doesn't make any sense because we've never met before, but something in that short time I spent with him made me feel like that's where I belong." I shake my head, and out of habit, I push a lock of my hair behind my ear.

"And that's it?” she asks. “How can you feel that way about someone and never see them again? Trust me, sweetie, I know you haven’t had much experience, but that feeling that spark doesn’t come from just anyone. You have to see him again.”

"Well, I thought I wasn’t going to, but now that’s where the trouble is. I made a new deal with Alex. It was the day you had a heart attack. It's how you got all those great doctors and the help you've been getting recently."

"So there's more? Another deal?"

I nodded. "Alex is going to send me to the ball again. He wants me to start a relationship with this man."

"Well, that sounds great. It sounds like that’s what you want, to get to know him better. So what’s the catch?”

"He wants me to start a relationship with the masked man, and in exchange, he’ll cover all your expenses. Your medical, housing, everything for the rest of your life. For me, he'll cover my expenses for the next six months as well, so I don't need to worry about finding a job right away."

“Okay, so you’ll be able to see your prince again and not have to worry about things for a while.”

I nod but can’t bring myself to tell her the rest. Her eyes narrow in on me, and she tilts her head as she always does whenever she’s trying to read my mind.

“What's the catch, Carina? You’re leaving something out.”

"Alex won't tell me why, and I don't feel good about this, especially after how strongly I feel about this man, my prince. But Alex wants me to start a relationship with him and then end it in six months. The relationship is supposed to last until summer, and then Alex wants me to break his heart.”

Grandma tilts her head to the side as she frowns.

“Oh, my poor girl. Now I know why you look so miserable. You’ve been carrying all that weight on your shoulders."

"I needed to do something to take care of you. I didn't have much choice. Even if I got another job, I wouldn't have enough money to pay for all your hospital bills, the doctors' bills, and everything else. I don't want to do this. I've barely had any relationships or boyfriends to begin with. And now I need to go into a relationship knowing that I'm going to end it.”

Grandma’s eyes shine as they meet mine. I can see the worry behind them and wonder if I should’ve kept everything to myself. She has enough going on. She doesn’t need my stuff on top of her needing to get better. I sigh and wonder how things would’ve been different if I had a mother around. If I had a mom to confide in, to be there for me, and to give me advice. Grandma never steered me wrong, but a mom is different.

I envy all the TV shows and movies with close mother-daughter relationships. While I love my grandmother and think of her as a mom, my mother is always in the back of my mind. Maybe things would’ve been easier. If I had a real mom, maybe I could’ve been a kid more instead of always worrying about my grandmother.

These thoughts always weighed on me because while I wouldn’t change anything between Grandma and me, I couldn’t help but miss the relationship I never had with my mom.

Grandma places her chilly hand over mine and looks deep into my eyes.

“I need you to listen, Carina,” she says. “If I can give you a little advice, it’s that you need to protect your heart. Protect yourself. Alex told you to have a relationship with the masked man, but he didn't say you need to lose yourself in it. Alex must know something to think that this guy will fall for you so easily. So he must know him pretty well. Just protect yourself. I know how you feel about him from that night but listen to this old lady. Build a wall around your heart so that when you end things with him, his is the only broken heart."

---