Page 83 of Holding Grace

Chapter 31

Grace

I walked up the steps to the apartment, dreading going inside. This feeling, this wish that I didn’t have to go in was new. Ever since Michael had rejected my offer of sex the week before, things had changed between us. We hadn’t been entirely comfortable with each other before that, but we’d been getting there. We’d had a rhythm, a routine we’d settled into. A cadence that belonged just to the two of us.

Every day I’d felt a little more connected to Michael, a little more like we were in sync. And then I’d carelessly blown it all up by offering sex. I’d thought it would repay Michael for some of the sacrifices he was making for me but instead it had broken us. Where our interactions had been easy and friendly they were now strained and awkward. We were both trying to pretend things were fine, but it was obvious they weren’t. I felt terrible for what I’d done to us, but I didn’t know how to fix it.

I thought back to our interaction that morning.

I’d walked into the kitchen, ready to fix some breakfast as usual, to find Michael standing at the counter, dressed for a workout, sipping coffee as he looked at his phone.

“Good morning.”

He’d glanced up at my greeting. “Hey.” He’d nodded in the direction of the coffeemaker then went back to his phone. “Coffee’s ready if you want some.”

“Thanks.” I’d opened the fridge, thinking, not really seeing the contents, then closed it again and turned back to Michael. “Have you had breakfast?”

“I had a protein shake,” he’d responded as he crossed to the sink to rinse out his now-empty coffee mug.

A protein shake? That was new. In all the time I’d lived with him, he’d had eggs and fruit or something similar for breakfast, just like me.

And most days, we’d eaten together. But not today, apparently.

My silence must have asked a question because Michael had continued. “I’m meeting Ry at the gym this morning, so I just wanted something quick.”

“Okay.” I’d gone for nonchalant and thought I got reasonably close.

What could I say? I demand you sit and have breakfast and talk to me like you used to? My heart had squeezed at the thought that that simple thing – the way we’d started most of our days together – could be in the past. I’d taken it for granted but it hurt now that it was gone.

“You going to Mercy’s today?”

I’d shaken myself out of my thoughts to respond. “Yes. She’s picking me up in about an hour.”

I’d been cleared to drive but I still wasn’t venturing out alone, so Mercy had offered to pick me up. I was working with her at her apartment a few days this week to give both Michael and me space, but I wasn’t sure if it was making things better or worse.

Okay, you’ll be gone then by the time I get back.” Why did it feel like that might be part of the plan? Michael’s bland expression had given nothing away. “I’ll see you tonight.”

“See you.” I’d turned back to the fridge just for something to do as he left the kitchen.

When I’d heard the apartment door close, I’d closed the fridge again and headed for the shower, my appetite gone.

With the new distance between us it sucked even more that I really did want to be with Michael, not out of gratitude, but out of desire. The problem was, I had no idea what to do about it.

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