Page 82 of Holding Grace

“Hey,” I said softly, needing to break the silence between us but not sure where to start.

“Hi. I’m glad you’re back. I was worried.” As Grace spoke, she wrapped her arms around her body, holding herself tightly. It reminded me of when I’d first found her again at the diner in Bluelake Springs, and I realized how far I’d set us back by reacting to her advances the way I had.

It felt like all the closeness we’d had between us, the friendship we’d built, was gone. In that moment I wasn’t sure we’d ever get it back. But I had to try.

“I owe you an apology, Grace.”

Grace’s shocked eyes shot up to mine. That clearly wasn’t what she’d expected to hear.

“I shouldn’t have left the way I did and shouldn’t have stayed away all night, at least not without letting you know I was okay. I should have realized you would worry. Can you forgive me?”

Unwrapping her arms, Grace stepped a little closer to me. “Of course, I can – I do – but Michael, what happened was my fault. I’m the one who should apologize.”

“No.” I shook my head, denying what she’d said. There was no way I was letting Grace take on any more guilt. “It was no one’s fault. It was just a misunderstanding. I should have stayed and talked to you or at least just taken a breather and then come back. I shouldn’t have left you to worry all night and I’m sorry.”

Grace took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay, fine. Thank you for that and I accept your apology. Now it’s my turn. I shouldn’t have thrown myself at you that way. I...” Grace swallowed hard and went on... “I didn’t think and I’m sorry.”

I didn’t want to accept her apology – I didn’t think she had anything to apologize for – but I knew I had to.

“Thank you and I accept your apology,” I said, giving her own words of forgiveness back to her.

Grace took another step toward me, her eyes so sad and full of regret it was almost painful to see.

“I think the world of you, Michael. I’m sorry I made you doubt that. I know you don’t expect payment, I just...you’re so different than Ellis and Seth. They never did anything without expecting something in return. Sometimes my brain just goes back to what it knew for so long. I know you’re not like them. I do. I don’t think that of you.”

Grace’s words filled me with warring emotions. On one hand there was rage at the thought of her asshole brother and ex who had taken advantage of her for so long; on the other, relief and hope knowing she didn’t put me in the same category as them.

“That means a lot to me, Grace. You’re important to me, so what you think of me is important to me, too.”

“I won’t put you in that position again, I promise. It wasn’t fair to you and -”

I couldn’t let her finish that statement. “If by ‘that position’ you mean with your mouth on mine and your hands on me, I want to be in that position again.” I needed to be crystal clear with her on this. “But it has to be because you want to be with me. I want nothing to do with you offering yourself to me out of guilt or gratitude or to pay off some kind of debt you think you owe me. I know our marriage isn’t real but that doesn’t mean I don’t care a lot about you, Grace. I do. If we end up in bed together, I want it to be for one reason and one reason only – because you want me as much as I want you. And I do want you, Grace. More than I think I can even tell you. Without the same from you, I’m not interested. Do you understand?”

Grace blinked at me in silence, eyes wide and fingertips resting against her lips.

I tried again. I had to be sure she understood what I was telling her, what I was asking of her.

“Grace?”

This time she nodded. “Yes, I understand.”

I wanted to sweep her up, to wrap her up tight in my arms and tell her that everything was going to be okay. That we would be okay. That somehow, we’d figure our way through this. Together.

I couldn’t do that. The next step – whatever it was – had to come from her. I’d put myself out there as much as I could. I needed something back from her.

I pushed my hand through my hair and took a step toward my bedroom. “Okay, good. Look, I’m going to crash for a few hours, then I need to get cleaned up and get to work. I know you have that thing with Mercy today.” I vaguely recalled Mercy telling me something about picking up Grace so they could work together at Mercy’s apartment that day. “I’ll see you tonight, okay?”

“Okay.”

I turned my back and walked away from her, telling myself she wouldn’t call me back to her, wouldn’t echo my words and tell me I was important to her, too, that she wanted me for me.

I told myself...and felt the burn of disappointment when I was right.

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