Page 38 of Choke Up

Ellis: I’m sorry. I should have told you I figured it out.

Ellis: I was afraid. Of how you’d react, and all this ending.

Ellis: I didn’t know if you’d still want me without the blindfold.

Ellis: I was going to tell you the truth that night. Not just that I figured it out, but that I’d been imagining it was you from the beginning.

Elliot: Dude, I heard about your mom. Is everything okay?

Gabe: I’m here for the weekend. She’s okay for now.

Elliot: My parents are looking at flights.

Gabe: No, don’t do that. I promise I’ve got it handled. It wasn’t a bad one.

Elliot: You know we want to be there for you both. You’re family.

Gabe: I know, and I’d tell you if I needed you. I’ve got it.

Gabe: How’s the trip going?

Elliot: Would be better if you were here.

Elliot: Ellis has been in a mood. No idea what’s going on with him.

Elliot: Really wish you were here.

Gabe: Me too, man. Next year, maybe.

I power off my phone. All the notifications are starting to make me itch. I don’t want to miss or ignore any messages from Elliot or his parents, because I don’t want them leaving their vacation to come here and deal with my bullshit. But every time I look down and see his messages, both read and unread, I feel sick all over again.

The first message that came through from Elliot almost sent me into a downward spiral before I opened the text. The relieved breath that left me when the message was about my mom and not about what I did to his brother made me feel like the lowest piece of shit on earth. I wouldn’t even be mad at Ellis if he came clean. In hindsight, the way I treated him and left him there was probably worse than all the lies that led us there.

I’m angry at myself for letting it get this far. Angry at my own weakness. Angry that I’m too chickenshit to tell my best friend the truth. That I’m too conflicted over whether losing the ability to touch Ellis would be worse than losing the only person who truly loves me. Except that it’s more than his touch I’ll be missing. It’s the possibility of more, of a future I never really let myself consider until I knew for sure it couldn’t happen. Ellis deserves better than me, anyway.

I look over at my mom. Only a small portion of the top of her head is visible beneath the mound of blankets she’s under. It still smells faintly of pee and body odor in here, even after changing the sheets that she’d been laying in for days. When I got the call and made it to the hospital, she’d been cleaned up and given IV fluids for severe dehydration. Before I could even start worrying about whether I should quit school to stay home so this wouldn’t happen again, Mrs. Hope called to let me know she arranged for a home health nurse to do daily check-ins and had already taken care of filing it with my mom’s disability coverage.

How can I betray these people like I have?

I need to apologize to Ellis, and I will. In person, once I’ve had time to process everything and find a way to make him understand.

There’s just too much going on right now.

I wish he’d stop texting me so I can think clearly.

Ellis: I don’t understand why you’re mad. You’re the one that’s been lying to me since graduation.

Ellis: I know it was you.

Ellis: Why did you hide from me? Why are you still hiding now?

Ellis: We have something good, and you know it.

“Hey Gabe, it’s me. Uh, Ellis… Duh. Jesus Christ. I’m such a loser…

Look, we really need to talk. Please, just talk to me. Let me know where your head is at. Fuck, let me know you’re alive. I heard about your mom, and I’m sorry for the harsh messages. I thought you were ignoring me.

We can work this out.

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