Page 56 of Man On

Deep breath. In through the nose. Out through the mouth.

Ping.

Noah: I win.

I have to laugh out loud, typing out that I think he's an idiot. Once I push send, I realize something that both comforts and unsettles me. Noah's text messages just pulled me out of a hard spiral. And not in a, he got me out of my head before I started panicking way. I was over that edge, tipping again into the dangerous territory that is hard to pull up from. The territory that I've been circling and trying to avoid for days. Weeks. Years.

Noah did that.

Noah: What are you doing?

Lane: Nothing. Eating a banana.

Noah: ??

Noah: Take a picture.

Lane: What? No.

Lane: That's stupid.

Lane: You're stupid.

Noah: Want a dick pic instead?

Yes. Wait. No!

Scrambling to open my remaining banana, I take a quick bite and hold it up to snap a picture.

Noah: Take a picture of it in your mouth.

He can’t be serious.

Lane: I'm not going to do that.

I don't say that I'm not doing it because I don't trust him not to save or use the picture against me. It's innocent enough, eating a banana, but I know exactly what he's alluding to and what it'll look like if I take a picture like that. I might have grown up sheltered, but I've lived in the real world for over four years now and I’ve overheard plenty of damning information that I found both interesting and terrifying. I know what that is. I've thought about it before. Imagined it.

Before I take another bite of my banana, I push it into my mouth, as far back as it can go, and hold it there. Is this what it would be like? Noah's bigger than this banana, but it doesn't seem so bad. His fingers were in my throat last night, and I didn't feel the need to gag. Maybe I could handle it.

My phone pings and I cough, pulling the banana from my mouth.

Noah: You're no fun.

Lane: And you're deflecting. Tell me about your idea.

Noah: If you can't handle deep throating a banana for me, I don't think you'd be into my idea.

Lane: No one said anything about deep throating anything.

Noah: It was implied.

Lane: Still deflecting?

Noah: Nah, forget I said anything.

Lane: Why?

Noah: Because I'm not sure it's a good idea anymore.

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