Page 112 of The Spark

‘But . . . I thought . . . I thought it was your mum who was ill.’

‘I know. I’m sorry. It was just easier to let you assume... until we could have this conversation. Until you were ready to hear about Jamie – and really hear it, without your mind being clouded by my news.’

I think about the diet I’ve been so convinced she was on. ‘But you said you were detoxing... Were those pills—’

‘Digestive enzymes.’

‘But . . . Felix took them too.’

‘His were vitamins. He’s been doing that lately... if I’m not quite ready to tell people.’

‘This can’t be happening. It isn’t fair. It isn’t...’ But I trail off, my thoughts by now a waterfall, far too fast to grip onto.

Lara lets out a shallow laugh which turns quickly into a cough. ‘I think Jamie’s dad might disagree with you there. He’d say this was karmic justice or something, I’m sure.’

‘You know that’s not how cancer works, Lar,’ I whisper fiercely, squeezing the tiny mass of her hand in mine, feeling a fresh bloom of anger towards Chris for his lifelong commitment to being a complete arsehole. ‘Let’s not mention Chris, or Jamie, or any of them, ever again, okay?’

She smiles softly. ‘Sounds good to me.’

A battle plan is already taking shape in my mind. ‘Okay. A second opinion. We’ll get a second opinion. I’ve got savings – you could go private.’

‘I’ve had three separate opinions,’ she says, calmly. ‘They all said the same thing.’

‘But have they exhausted every option? What about alternative therapies?’

‘Neve, listen.’ She quietens me with a squeeze of the hand. ‘It’s over. Okay? I’m dying. They told me in July I’d have about a year.’

But five months have passed since then. ‘July?’

She swallows. ‘Yeah. Actually... I found out a few days before you and Ash met Felix for the first time.’

To be told she knew she was dying that night on Tombland feels nothing short of devastating. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘I wanted to sort everything out with you first. Because selfishly? I quite fancied spending some time being your friend again.’ She laughs softly. ‘The last few months have been bizarrely comforting. While I’ve been with you, I’ve been able to pretend... this isn’t actually happening.’

‘There must be something they can do.’

She shakes her head slowly. ‘The cancer’s too advanced. Surgery’s... not an option.’

I can hear nothing now but the scream inside my head as I revisit all the signs I’ve completely failed to register during the time I’ve spent with her lately. The skipped meals and booze forgone, the weight loss, her permanent lack of energy. How the hell did I miss this?

‘What about chemo?’

‘I’m not having chemo.’

‘What?’

‘I’ve said no to chemo.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Exactly that. I don’t want chemotherapy.’

‘What? Why?’

‘I watched my dad go through it, and Neve... it was grim. Look – if there’s a chance it could shrink the cancer or make it operable or save me, then it would absolutely be worth a shot. But they’re only talking about it extending my life by a few months.’

‘But I’m sure it would be worth—’

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