Page 113 of The Spark

She shakes her head. ‘You’re going to have to trust me on this one. I’m dying. I’ve seen a lot of doctors and had a lot of tests. There’s nothing they can do.’

I choke back a sob. ‘Lara. No.’

She squeezes my hand again. ‘Listen. I’m going to California, to be with Felix.’

‘When?’

‘Soon. I’m going to spend my last months there with him, in the sunshine, overlooking the ocean.’ She smiles bravely. ‘Since I met him, it’s grown to be my absolute favourite place in the world. So, if I’ve got to die, then that’s the best way I can possibly imagine.’

‘You’re going . . . to California?’

She smiles. Unbelievably, there is light in her eyes. ‘He has incredible care lined up for me. Everything’s arranged. I love him so much, Neve. I just want to be with him, out there.’

‘And is . . .? Is your mum . . .?’

Lara shakes her head. ‘The trip would be too much for her. We’ve agreed to say our goodbyes here. In fact... that’s what I’m doing with everyone. Out there, it’s just going to be me and Felix. We’ve discussed it a lot, and that’s what I want.’

‘No, Lara, this is... This can’t be it. This can’t be happening.’ I start to cry. ‘I wish you’d told me. I’m so sorry. We’ve missed out on so much.’

‘I know we have. I’m sorry too.’

Through the window, a stripe of winter sunlight falls across her face. It affords her a glow that makes her look so pristinely radiant, I want to shake her with frustration. Because she can’t – she cannot – possibly be dying. I mean, yes – she looks very unwell, I have finally realised. But not as if she’s only got a few months left to live.

‘Hey, at least I’m sticking to my side of the pact.’

I frown, confused.

‘Don’t you remember? That holiday in Devon. We pinky-swore to never get old.’ She smiles wistfully, and I feel my heart fragment.

‘Yeah,’ I say, softly. ‘I remember.’

‘So, look, Neve. Can we... talk about the accident? Because I’ve been wanting to do that ever since I came back.’

‘It doesn’t matter any more,’ I say, through fresh tears. ‘I don’t care if I never think about that night again in my life.’

‘Okay. But let me just say this, because I’ve never said it to you before: you were right, that night. You were right, and I was too stubborn to listen, and now Jamie is dead. And whatever kind of guy he turned out to be, he didn’t deserve to die.’

‘The accident wasn’t your fault, Lar.’ I should have admitted this long before now. Because of course it is the truth. It always has been. But the strength of my love for Jamie would never let me see it.

‘No,’ she says, ‘but my attitude that night was horrible. And... I am sorry. Truly.’

I stare blankly at the POSITIVI-TEA mug, wondering how many teabags you get through if you’re diagnosed with terminal cancer. Hundreds? Thousands?

‘Ironic, isn’t it,’ she says. ‘That you turned out to be just as stubborn as me. Refusing to let the idea of Jamie go, all these years. Maybe that was why we were such good friends. We were more similar than even we realised.’

Our eyes meet, and my body floods with love for her.

‘Are you in pain?’ I ask, even as I’m thinking, Please say no.

‘Not right now. I’m on decent pain relief, and it’s working so far. And I’ve got options, if it gets worse. I haven’t hit the opioids yet. But, you know. My thermoregulation’s shot to bits. And my stomach’s a mess. I can’t digest food too well, obviously, hence the enzymes.’

I want to ask if she’s scared, but I don’t. Because of course she is. Who wouldn’t be – even someone as fearless as Lara?

‘So, listen. Neve. After I die, they’re going to fly me home... so my ashes can be buried next to Dad’s. It’s all arranged.’

I want to beg her to stop talking, tell her I can’t handle hearing this. That it’s all too crazy, too sad, too unbelievable.

But she’s being so brave – and she’s the one dying. The least I can do is be brave in return.

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