Page 49 of Toxic Wishes

“Okay, Okay, all he wants is to take you to coffee. So you guys can talk about Blake. I wasn’t supposed to say anything until you agreed.” He squints one of his eyes at me as if he’s expecting me to slap him.

“I knew there was a catch,” I threw my hands in the air.

“Ash,” not waiting a second before I can flee, he grabs my arms and forces me to look at him.

“He’s hurting too. He has blamed himself for years when it’s his father who should be carrying this guilt. Maybe this will be good for both of you.”

I laugh in his face. “Highly doubt that.”

“No, I’m serious. He has a son who’s never really had a mother figure, but maybe you can change that and be there for Bodie, too.”

“Great, so now I'm a charity case.”

He rolls his eyes. “No, you know that’s not what I mean. You told me you want to help kids, especially little girls, to never feel like you did growing up. Well, guess what? That poor child of his is lost and clings to any woman that comes around, including your self-centered cousin.”

“So he brings a bunch of women around?”

“No,” he starts pacing. “No, the only person he’s brought around since Bodie’s mom is Namoi, but that’s beside the point. You could be a good influence on him. This could all turn out to be a great way to be around young kids. Give you experience. Hell, just helping Bodie out in a way that a father can’t is therapeutic. You women love to fix broken men.”

Blake comes into mind, and I wonder if Josh is thinking the same thing I am. But you can’t fix anyone when you’re already broken, too.

“I thought you said they won’t be around if I stayed here?” I asked.

“Jesus Christ. Okay, fuck it. Go back to your parents.”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, it’s just-” I pull on my hair that lies over my shoulder, ‘I hate this. I hate relying on anyone, especially a man.”

“I know, but you wouldn’t be. You would be doing him a favor, trust me. He needs this too, Ash.”

As I stared at Josh, I hated to admit this, but a part of me knew he was right. And now that I know Colt has a son, I didn’t mind the thought of being around just for the sake of his child. I'm sure Colt, the football star who’s entirely into himself, didn’t know the first thing about being a dad, since he had a shit role-model for one. I’m shocked he didn’t have a shrine of himself as the first thing you saw when you walked into his house.

Josh stops pacing, and I can feel his eyes on me. “Is that how you met him?”

I match his intense gaze, taking my time to answer. The anguish on Josh’s face is apparent. I had never seen him like this. Josh was always the fun, carefree man whore. But right now, he looked like he was about to cry.

“At the hospital? Were you sick like him?”

And I realized both Killian boys would need to hear the truth once and for all.

I agreed to go to coffee the following day to get this over with. When I returned home yesterday, my parents didn’t even ask where I was. I walked through the front door, and my dad was already passed out, I’m sure from drinking earlier, and my mom was in the kitchen watching her TV shows as she ate a sandwich. I even walked into the kitchen to grab water to see if she would say anything or acknowledge I was back. I was gone for almost eight hours, and they weren’t even concerned if I was alive or dead. Josh was right I needed to get out of here. Now that I've been away from this house, it almost creeped me out being here. It was eerily quiet. I regret all those times I cried from being homesick when I moved to California that first year. I wish I could take back all that energy I wasted on them. The only person who did deserve my tears was my grandma and sister. They were the only ones who treated me like a human being. Especially my sister. She’s been pretty protective over me. She was the only reason I even tolerated this place. It felt good to be back home, closer to her, but that was the only reason.

Once I was done packing, I threw my luggage in the back of my car. I decided to return every couple of weeks to get what I needed as the weather changed. I started the car, stared at the house one last time, and put it in reverse. Let's see how long it takes my parents to notice I’m starving this time.

20

Abigail

“The only truth is music.”-Jack Kerouac

My legs felt heavy as I walked across the cement to the coffee shop entrance. I wondered if Colt thought about today as much as I did last night. Probably. Then I wondered if Colt pictured the same image I did each time I saw him - balls deep in Heidi.

There was no chance whatsoever. I knew that no matter how hostile my feelings were towards Colt, he deserved answers about Blake. It was time to face the music.

Guilt and rage swarmed inside me as I waited. Guilt because I’ve never forgiven myself for not contacting him after Blake died. I figured he and his dad would have found it comforting that he had one friend who cared. One friend who saw Blake battle his demons and tried the best he could. But I never could bring myself to contact Colt, because I was furious, which brought me to rage. I was angry with him and his dad. Angry at them for how they made Blake feel. How they praised football over their own blood. When I walked in on Colt the other day, it was like he validated everything Blake had said. No one cared about him, they were too busy chasing money and dreams while Blake’s dreams were dying inside of him.

Five minutes later, Colt walks through the door. His hair is brushed neatly to the side, and he’s wearing a simple polo shirt with jeans, but somehow, he makes it look so much fancier in his perfect-cut body.

The waitress was right by my table when she spotted Colt heading in my direction, like she was waiting for him.

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