Page 25 of Toxic Wishes

“When you're drinking, your judgment is a little warped on how much salt to add, so adding the beer to the chili won’t cover up the taste.” My mom says.

“Chili, huh,” I say as I sit down.

“There you are,” mom says as she turns around. “Let me make you a bowl.” She gestures for me to sit.

“Thanks,” I say, siping the glass of water on the table. As I quench my thirst, I remember how water makes you feel full, so I don’t stop drinking until the glass is half empty.

Dad sits down as Mom places a bowl of chili in front of me. Chili is healthy. Just eat a bowl and make them happy.

“Where’s Adalee?” I want to start a conversation so they don’t focus solely on my eating.

“That Ahmad guy picked her up.” My dad says, almost sounding annoyed.

“You mean her boyfriend?” I say over my bowl with raised eyebrows.

“Until he can provide, and I know he comes from a good family, I don’t care to call him anything except the man who’s using my daughter.”

He takes a bite of his chili, and my mom sits down, placing a slice of cornbread on my napkin. I look up, and she smiles warmly, and I can’t help but reciprocate. Even though the chili is hard enough to eat without wanting to figure out how many calories I’m eating, I force myself to take a small bite of the cornbread just to please her. And I talk to myself throughout. It’s okay. It’s just a bite of cornbread, and it takes 3500 extra calories to make you gain one pound.

“I noticed your grades are slipping,” my dad says, still looking down at his bowl of chili.

I tilt my head in confusion, furrowing my eyebrows at him. “I made all A’s’?”

“Except for the C I saw on your report card.”

I fight the urge to roll my eyes. “Well, this year, the History and Algebra teachers are real dicks.”

“You won’t get a full ride to college with that C slipping in. Is there any reason you are losing focus? I know your eating has been a problem, but I thought you were handling it. Unless you aren’t, or is it a boy you are focusing on instead of your future education and career?”

My blood begins to boil, and I feel the heat rise in my chest. I want to eat to show them I’m not sick anymore. I healed myself on my own since my dad was too cheap to continue counseling, but knots form in my stomach, and the thought alone makes me want to vomit.

“Speaking of focus, why is yours always only on me? Adalee is in college, and I don’t see you lecturing her. Hell, I don’t even see her around the dinner table because you let her do whatever she wants.”

“Adalee is older, so she receives more leniency.” Finally, my dad lifts his gaze to meet mine.

“She hasn’t even picked out a major, and she’s almost twenty-two.”

“I’m not worried about Adalee right now.”

“Right,” I draw out the vowels.“You aren’t worried since you know a man will swoop her up and provide because she’s the pretty one. Isn’t that right, Dad?” I feel the heat rise in my chest and try to stay calm. but my nerves are getting the best of me. I don’t need to look down to know my hands are shaking.

“I didn’t say that.” He grits his teeth together.

“Sweetie, let's just all calm down.” My mom interjects. But I ignore her.

“You don’t have to. You have been hard on me ever since I can remember. You push education on me, always worried about my grades. You always tell me I’m tough. I can handle society because I don’t rely on my looks, right dad?” Tears begin to well up in my eyes.

“This is about your grades slipping,” he says with his jaw fixed in place, along with his gaze. I hope he can see the pain lurking behind my eyes for once this time.

I've spent all these years comparing my nose to my sister's perfect nose, standing by and listening to every family member, including him and my mom, compliment my sister and how pretty she is. I know he never got any love and affection from his parents growing up, but that doesn’t make it okay for him to treat me the same way. I’m not his personal revenge on his dead parents.

“You’ve always been so sensitive and dramatic. You’re twisting my words around. You’ve had this jealousy with your sister and cousins since you were little. I’m just talking about your grades because I know-”

“I made all A’s!”

The kitchen falls silent. But I don’t back down. “It’s my first C ever, and you are lecturing me on my grades? Are you fucking kidding me?” Rage, my anger has turned to boiling rage, and I can feel my cheeks burning, and I know they are red

“Abigail-” My mom says as if everything is peachy-keen.

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