Page 61 of Broken Instrument

“And he thinks if he threatens me, you’ll cave to his demands?” I clarify. “Is he delusional? It’s like you just said; we’re friends. You have lots of friends. What? He’s going to threaten all of them? That’s ridiculous.”

Fender’s expression stays blank, but I don’t miss his hesitation to confirm my comment.

“It’s ridiculous. Right?” I prod.

Silence.

“Fender, you can’t let him control you. What’s next? He threatens your roommates?”

“My roommates can handle themselves.”

“And I can’t?”

“You’re different.”

“How am I different?”

“You just are.”

“How?” I demand. “You said so yourself; we’re just friends––”

“Well, for one, I saw you masturbate last night,” he offers. “Can’t say I’ve seen my other friends do that.”

“And you turned me down when I wanted it to be you instead of my fingers inside of me.”

His nostrils flare. “You were drugged up, Hadley. What else did you expect me to do? Take advantage of you? I’m not that kind of guy.”

“I know you’re not, which is why I wanted to kiss you. It’s why I kissed you the first time when I was sober, I might add, and you still pushed me away. So how am I different, Fen? You can’t let your brother manipulate you because of a girl you don’t even care about.”

He twists on the bed until he faces me fully, his face a mixed concoction of surprise and outrage. “You think I don’t care about you?”

“I don’t know what to think. You watch me get off, snuggle with me until I fall asleep, and disappear. Then you show up on my doorstep a few hours later and ask to come inside. And now, when I think we’re finally getting somewhere, you call me your friend and say what happened last night can’t happen again. So, yeah, I’m not exactly sure what to think anymore. But I like you, okay? I like you for more than a friend, but I feel like you’ve already decided you’re not interested––”

“You think I’m not interested?”

I roll my eyes, caught between frustration and amusement. I can’t believe I even have to spell this out for the guy. “You’ve rejected me. Twice. And sure, I’ll accept the whole you were drugged up, and I didn’t want to take advantage of you last night argument, but what about now? If I leaned in to kiss you right now, would you push me away?”

His gaze drops to my lips before he looks away. “Of course, I would.”

“So, how does it make me any different from your other friends?”

“Because I don’t want to kiss my other friends, Hadley.”

“But you said––”

“I’d push you away. I never said I don’t want to kiss you. There’s a difference.”

My brows furrow. “How? Why?”

“Because…” His jaw ticks, but he doesn’t finish his sentence.

“Because…what?”

“Because I can’t give you what you want.”

“And how do you know what I want?”

Frustrated, he blurts out, “I can’t be intimate with you!”

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