Page 7 of With This Wish

When I awake in the morning, I stretch my naked body like the cat that got the cream and smile as the memories of the night before play back in my mind. After the first time we were together, Jake and I stayed up until the early hours of the morning, talking, laughing, and making love. It felt like more than just sex. Even the fourth time we came together felt like it was as if our bodies were expressing a soul-deep need for one another. Now as my hand reaches for Jake, it’s met with nothing but the feel of cold bedsheets, and a heaviness settles over me. I wasn’t sure if he would stay or go after I fell asleep, but a big part of me had hoped he’d chuck his plans in the trash and stay forever. At least I got one night, a night I’ll remember fondly for the rest of my life and one I’m certain has ruined me for other men. Blinking open my eyes against the midday sun, I turn and see a note on the pillow next to mine:

I wish I could keep you –J.

Picking up the note, I trail the tips of my fingers over the scrawled sentence, moisture pooling in my eyes. God, Jake. I wish I could keep you too.

****

Christmas is in a few days, and while I have been looking forward to this holiday season more than the last two, my heart is heavy because the one person I want to celebrate with isn’t here. He hasn’t been for the last seven weeks. Jake and I agreed to one night, and it was spectacular, but I can’t help wanting more than that. It doesn’t matter that it would be long distance. We could try to make it work. The feelings I got from just being near him are enough to make me question everything. I would never leave Carter in a lurch, but we could hire someone to take over my position and then I could go up to Washington. At least, I’m assuming that’s where Jake is.

We spoke about a lot of things during the night we spent together, but last names and places of residence weren’t one of them. We talked about our pasts and what we wanted our futures to look like, but we didn’t really talk logistics. The only personal information I have is that he had turned twenty-seven about a week before we met, grew up in Denver, and spent a lot of time in Washington and Seattle. There are a lot of Jakes in Colorado and Washington, according to the web search I performed not two days after he left. It’s not like social media was much help either, and I spent a fair amount of time scrolling through lists of Jakes and squinting at their tiny thumbnail photos until I finally gave up a few weeks ago.

For the most part, I’ve been able to let it go, chalk things up to one extraordinary night that felt like a small gift from the universe, a reward for putting myself out there again. When I went shopping the other day and realized I hadn’t needed to buy tampons in a while, thoughts of that night came rushing back. We used protection every time we were together, but condoms aren’t a guarantee, so I figured it was best to move away from the tampons and down to the family planning section to pick up a pregnancy test. Now, I’m staring down at the timer on my phone, watching the seconds tick away as I wait for it to beep, alerting me to whether or not my life is going to change. Again.

When the alarm finally beeps, I shut off the timer and reach a jittery hand over to pick up the pregnancy stick. “Well. What does it say?” my brother asks.

As soon as I got home from the store this evening, I pulled Carter from the project he was working on and led him upstairs, telling him everything that happened from the moment Jake walked into Hodgepodge to the moment I realized I might be carrying a baby in my belly. He’s been pacing around ever since, and while I hate to worry him, Carter is my best friend. I didn’t tell him before because it was something special I wanted to keep for myself, but I don’t want to go through this part alone.

“Maya.” His voice cuts into my thoughts and I turn to look at him. Carter’s anxious expression meets mine as he grips the doorframe of our shared bathroom. I can’t even imagine adding another person to our small, two-bedroom apartment, but as I stare down and see the word Pregnant staring back at me, I better start getting real creative with space, and fast.

My throat is tight, and I can’t find the words to express what’s happening, so I simply hold the stick up for him to see. Carter looks at the results and his eyes widen slightly before meeting mine once again. He comes and squats in front of where I sit on the closed toilet, placing a hand my knee. “What do you want to do, Mai?”

My hand moves up to grip the charm that always hangs around my neck. Family. I’ve been wanting that sense of family again, even going so far as tossing a coin in the fountain and wishing for it. And just like my mom said, the magic worked, just not in the way I expected it to. The thought of a baby has me smiling more than I have in the last seven weeks. “I want to keep the baby.” My voice is firm and I feel more strongly about this than I have most things in my life, but my brow furrows when I think about the cost and time involved with raising a child. Would it really be fair of me to have this baby if I can’t support it? And what about Jake? I can’t find him, so my baby will most likely never know their father. “Do you think I should?” I ask, my lip already raw from my worrying about it all night.

Carter plops down on the tile floor and rests his head against the wall. “I’m not going to tell you what to do, Mai,” he says to me as he wipes a tired hand down his face. “What I can tell you is that if you want this baby, I will support you in any way I can. We have enough in savings to make it work. We can set up a crib in the office and small play area at the store.” He looks at me wryly. “You know Sue is going to go nuts trying to babysit whenever she’s in town. She loves kids as long as she can return them at the end of the day.”

I bark out a watery laugh and sniffle, feeling emotional from the news and the unwavering love and support from my brother. “Thanks, Car. I love you so much.” The words barely get out before a few tears fall and I’m hugging my brother tightly.

“Hey, hey,” he says, rubbing his hand up and down my back. “Is this the pregnancy hormones already?”

I chuckle and give one last exaggerated sniffle for good measure, pulling a laugh from my brother. “Maybe. It’s also because you are the best brother ever.” I lean back and smile sadly at him. “I’m sorry I disappeared for a while.” I don’t need to clarify for him to know what I’m talking about. We’ve both been on one hell of a journey through our grief, I just wish I had kept enough of myself to help him through it like he’s helping me now.

Carter shrugs a shoulder. “It’s okay.” He slides his body up the wall to standing and helps me to my feet. “I haven’t exactly been myself either.”

“Well, considering all we’ve been through, I think we’re doing okay.” We step out into the family room and my mind immediately starts picturing baby items scattered everywhere. The images bring another smile to my face and I rest my hand on my lower belly, grateful for the gift I’ve been given. “Thanks again, Carter.” He nods and moves into the kitchen to start making dinner.

My feet shuffle over to my bedroom, taking in the space and mentally rearranging things to accommodate a crib, a changing table, and maybe a rocking chair. It will be a tight squeeze, but like my brother said, we’ll make it work. I walk over to the queen-sized bed and take a seat, pulling open the drawer to my nightstand and picking up the note Jake left me, wrinkled slightly from how many times I’ve handled it. As I take in the words again and again, I could easily go into all the should-haves and if-onlys like if only I had gotten his last name, or we should have at least exchanged numbers, but that won’t bring him back to me. All that’s left to do is hope that the magic I’ve experienced so far works in my favor because I already have my wish for next year.

Now

Chapter Six

Jake

My heart pounds in rhythm with my feet as I jog on the treadmill in the fitness facility located in the basement of my luxury apartment complex. A woman is on the elliptical opposite me, and every now and then I’ll notice her give me a once-over, smiling at me with a come-hither look. By society’s standards she’s attractive, and I’m sure on any other man her attentions wouldn’t be squandered, but she could stroll up to me butt-ass naked and I would avert my eyes and turn the other way. It’s not that I’m no longer interested in women, it’s that I’m only interested in one woman: Maya. I’ve thought about her every day for almost three years and have even visited Hodgepodge’s social media page every now and then, hoping to get a glimpse of her. Most of the pictures posted are of the goods they sell, with the occasional one of her brother with a piece of furniture he made, so I assume Maya is the one taking the pictures. It would be nice if someone else took pictures for once so I could get a glimpse of her, but that’s just my selfishness talking. If I hadn’t agreed to one night only like the idiot I am, I could at least be looking at her personal account if we’d agreed to stay in contact. But that wasn’t the plan, and like every other time in my life, I didn’t deter from what was laid out before me.

The watch on my wrist beeps and I end my run, wiping down the equipment and making my way toward the door, my head, neck, and chest covered in sweat from the exertion. I pointedly ignore the looks I get from the woman as I leave the fitness facility and punch the elevator button impatiently to make my way back upstairs. Once I’m back on the tenth floor, I make my way over to my place. This isn’t the same apartment I moved into when I first came back to Denver, but I’ve had a good couple of years and what are large bonuses for if not to upgrade where you can?

The door to my two-bedroom apartment opens and I walk inside, toeing off my shoes and striding over to the kitchen for some water. I grab a bottle from the stainless-steel refrigerator, cracking the lid and taking a drink while I look around the immaculate space. The large windows shine and sparkle as I look out at gorgeous views of the city as well as the small river running through it. It’s an amazing apartment, and I should love living here, but when my eyes wander the space, all I see is the emptiness I feel inside reflecting back at me. Maybe I could call her, I think for a moment, but shake my head and grab another large gulp of water, letting the cool liquid slide down my throat and diminish some of the internal heat my weight-lifting and long run caused. The clock on the wall shows ten to seven in the morning, so I finish my water, recycle the bottle, and head into my bedroom to get ready for the day, stowing away any thoughts of making big life changes.

My modern bedroom is just as impressive as the rest of the apartment with its smooth lines and gray walls offset by thick, white wooden beams. The large bed sits with only one side of the sheets rumpled. It’s silly, but even though I live alone, I only sleep on the left side. Maya slept on the right that night we spent together, and that will forever be her side of the bed, even though she’ll probably never even see it. Every night I spend in that bed is another night I dream about her. Sometimes I dream of a past life I’m certain we both lived, one where I am a Scottish Highlander and she’s the Viking maiden washed up to shore. Days would be spent bringing her back to health, and we would slowly fall in love with one another. Other times I’m an army ranger, on leave in some Scandinavian country. We meet when I visit her bakery and after instantly falling in love, we marry and I bring her back to the States with me. Most of the time, though, we’re just Jake and Maya, living in the mountains where we build a life filled with love and laughter together. All those dreams are in vain because not once have I had the courage to make them a reality.

Since that night with Maya, I’ve tried to move on and stick to my original plan. I went on a few dates here and there, but once you’ve experienced an instantaneous and deep connection with another person, making small talk over drinks just doesn’t cut it anymore. There was one time I made it past drinks and onto dinner, but that was because it was a double date with Billie and she forced me to stay the whole time. She hadn’t even wanted to be on the date herself, but she set it up because “You need to stop it with this mopey shit and get back in the game.” That was our one and only double date. I think even Billie could tell I was a lost cause and decided to just let sleeping dogs lie, or in this case, let mopey dudes wallow. She’s threatened to go to Starlight Lake and drag Maya back to Denver for me, but I’ve told her to leave it alone. She’s respected that, for the most part, though a while back she admitted to following Hodgepodge on social media, but after commenting on every picture of Maya’s brother, Carter, telling him to “ditch the flannels and post some thirst traps,” she got blocked. She’s left the subject alone ever since.

Trying to dispel thoughts of a future that will never be, I grab a quick shower and get dressed in my navy suit and white button-down. It fits like a glove, no doubt the result of it costing more than a suit has any right to, but dressing like this comes with the job. After slipping a silver watch on my wrist and oxford shoes on my feet, I grab my money clip and phone and head out the door. When I reach my stop at the parking garage, I exit and head straight over to my BMW SUV to make the short journey to Mile High Consulting. A quick walk from the parking lot leads me into the building where I get into yet another elevator to ascend to the thirty-fourth floor. The thirty-fifth is reserved for my father and his partners, and while the plan is for me to be up there too someday, for now I spend my hours in my own little corner of the business consulting universe.

The elevator chimes and when the door opens, I am immediately greeted with a cup of coffee from my assistant, Kendall. “Good morning, Mr. Mackenzie,” he says in the friendly tone that is ever-present in his voice. “Your cortado.” He hands the mug brimming with dark liquid over to me and we start the journey back toward my office much in the same manner we do every day, me caffeinating while Kendall gives me a rundown of the day. It’s all part of the routine.

My head nodding is Kendall’s signal to start talking as I sip the delicious espresso and steamed milk concoction. My morning caffeine is one of the many small luxuries I have come to count on. Without it, I slow down, and the desire to upend my life starts to creep in more and more. Just quit, Jake. You know you want to. The voice in my head has become louder and louder with each passing day. It’s also getting a lot harder to dismiss, especially when images of Maya accompany the thought each time it occurs. Maya in her store, Maya under the holiday lights, Maya under me as our bodies move together, creating a feeling like no other in my heart and body. I could think about her all day, but luckily the sound of Kendall talking interrupts my totally not-safe-for-work thoughts.

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