She shivers and I smile, knowing it isn’t from the cold. “No, not just for him,” she admits quietly. She stays smiling at me for a moment before her face turns serious again. “But he still comes first. I need you to understand that, Jake. What you or I want doesn’t really matter as much as what he needs or what’s best for him.” Her blue eyes search mine as I process what she’s just told me. “Does that make sense?”
My head bobs in understanding where she’s coming from. The fact that she’s probably spent the last three years sacrificing so much for herself to put our son first hits me hard, and I nearly give into the anger at myself once again. Instead, I make a vow that it will never happen again. JJ comes first, but Maya comes first too, at least in my book. She may not realize it yet, but she just solidified my plans. “It makes a lot of sense,” I reply, cupping her face for a moment. “I’ll do everything in my power to make sure he always gets what’s best for him.” And for you too, I add silently.
Maya is all smiles once again as we continue to the library. It’s been less than a day, but being with the two of them already feels as natural as breathing. I just hope the plans I’m coming up with are agreeable to Maya. If she doesn’t want me to stay, it will break my heart. A heart that has and always will belong to her and the little boy cradled in her arms.
Chapter Thirteen
Maya
Lunch at Fran’s Place was an interesting affair. Jake and I had a great time catching up on the more mundane side of our lives over the last few years. Even though he’s only two, JJ picks up on a lot more than most people would think, so we kept it light, sticking to subjects like work or JJ’s likes and dislikes, habits, and routines. When the food arrived, Jake had been strangely excited about their chicken salad. Noticing my curious glance, he explained the story of the last time he came and how he had been convinced to live a little more and plan a little less that day. Well, he definitely did that, and I’m grateful for it. The result was our wonderful night together and the little boy that was so out of it during the meal that he kept yawning. About two minutes after we left the restaurant, JJ passed out in his car seat from the excitement and exhaustion of the morning.
Jake was following us back to our place, but I called him and told him I would be driving around a bit first so that JJ could sleep. Never wake a sleeping toddler, I told him, especially one that has a hard time falling asleep after even the shortest of catnaps. I fully expected Jake to go back to his rented cabin and rest, but instead he asked if I would pull over and we could drive around the town together to catch up. He mentioned being curious about the town where we live, so I did as he asked, hoping that giving him a tour of Starlight Lake might make the idea of him staying here even more appealing. The thought of asking him to uproot his life for us makes me a little nauseous, but the idea of being a real family is too tempting to push it aside completely. I’ll just tuck it away for later and see how the rest of his time here goes. If it goes as well as the park and lunch did, I don’t think it will take me long to work up the courage to ask.
Watching Jake and JJ play together was the most heartwarming thing I’ve witnessed in a while. Life with a child is full of heart-warming moments, but only a few really stick out as ones that will live in your memory for years to come. That happened today as I watched JJ slip his hand into his father’s before running off to play with him. My fingers twitch with excitement, needing to write down every observation, every emotion I experienced watching my little boy bond with his daddy.
Throughout my life, I kept diaries and journals off and on, but it was never really a priority until I got pregnant. The journals I started then contain everything that happened, everything I felt, and every hope I had for the baby growing in my belly. After JJ was born, I kept it going, but instead it focused mostly on his milestones and particularly cute moments that would happen from time to time. Looking over at Jake in the passenger seat, a tranquil expression on his face as his body is twisted around so he can watch our little boy slumber, I make a mental note to give the journals to him soon. Jake’s the main reason I kept them after all. If he ever came back to us, I didn’t want him to feel as though he completely missed out on the last few years.
Jake must sense me watching him because he turns back to the front as I make a turn around the lake. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him looking a little apprehensive. I signal to turn toward my old neighborhood and nod my head at him. “All right, you. Out with it?”
“Out with what?” he asks. His voice goes slightly higher as he plays innocent when I am sure there is something running around in that brain of his. If his brain is anything like mine, it’s been running nonstop since the moment I saw him again.
“Out with whatever has you looking like you want to roll out of this car as soon as I slow down long enough,” I press on, giving him a brief but stern look.
He huffs a breath and holds up his hands. “Okay, okay,” he says with a small smirk. “You can put away the mom look.”
I chuckle lightly, trying to lighten the mood and because I do have a mom look now. While I don’t need to use it on my son much, I have found that it has come in handy with my brother, and now Jake. Dramatically schooling my features, I look at him as blankly as possible. “There, Mom look gone.”
“Thank you,” he says, peeking over his shoulder at JJ one more time. “Remind me never to get on your bad side. That look could wilt lettuce.” When I raise a brow, he seesaws his head. “Okay, I’ll quit stalling.” While I love that we’re in sync enough for me to know when he is putting off telling me something, I am a little worried about what he might say. Trying to focus on the road in front of me and not the gorgeous man in the passenger seat, I give him space to gather his thoughts. The sound of a deep inhale and exhale drifts over to my ears before his deep voice finally does. “Well, I was just thinking that we made one beautiful-looking kid, but beyond that, he’s also sweet and mild-tempered. You did an amazing job, Maya.” His fingers tap against his leg for a moment. “He’s so great … it’s almost like I wasn’t really needed at all.”
My foot slips off the gas for a moment because of how shocked I am to hear him say that and how heartbreaking the despondent tone of his voice is. After checking for traffic, I pull off the road in front of a row of houses and put the car in “park.” Unbuckling my seat belt, I turn to face him, not liking the look of sadness in his eyes. How can he possibly think he wasn’t necessary? Reaching over, I take one of his hands in both of mine, holding onto it as tightly as possible. “First, thank you for telling me that I did well with our son because most of the time I feel like I’m middling at best.” I can see him going to protest this, so I hold up a hand to stop him. “No need to say otherwise. Believing in my Mom skills is something I’m already working on, so just let me keep going.”
“Okay,” he breathes out, shifting in the seat that’s too small for his large from so that he can face me more fully. “I won’t interrupt.”
With a nod, I try to think of the best way to phrase exactly just how needed he was without making him feel too guilty for his absence. I’m not sure there are the right words for this, so I just continue my argument as best I can, pushing past the pain that comes whenever I think about just how hard the last three years have been. “You were needed, Jake, but beyond that, you were wanted and you were missed.” I swallow thickly as the weight of the last three years presses down on me, like a boulder on my chest. “There were so many times I wanted to talk to you, to have you hold me, to have you know our son. And yes, he is amazing and we did our best, we got by, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t needed. You were, are, and always will be completely necessary to his life.” My eyes mist over and I blink away the tears. “I just … I don’t think I can ever express just how much you being here means to me.” I look back at JJ who is still sleeping peacefully despite the conversation happening in the front seat. “I know he can’t show it yet, but it means a lot to him too. I can tell.”
Jake places his other hand over mine and squeezes it tightly, an expression of profound gratitude on his face. “Thank you for saying that, Beautiful.” He lifts a finger to swipe away a tear that fell from my eye. “I’m glad the two of you were okay, but you won’t have to just get by anymore. Not if I have anything to say about it.”
I sniffle and nod, not able to speak anymore. Able to read me so well after only being back together briefly, Jake pulls me into his arms and lets me weep quietly against his shoulder for a bit. Dampness from my tears spreads across his sweater, but I can’t bring myself to pull away just yet. Finally, after I’ve ridden the wave of emotion as far as it will go, I sniffle one last time and lean back, swiping a tissue from the console between us and wiping my nose. “I’m sorry I cried all over you,” I tell him with a nod at his soaked sweater. Cleaning myself up as best I can and tossing the tissue in the trash, I take a few deep breaths to calm myself fully. “It’s just been a lot to handle. I have my brother and Aunt Sue whenever she comes to visit, but it’s not the same.”
He smiles sadly at me. “I’m sure it isn’t, and I know you’re probably sick of hearing me say this, but I really am sorry.” He shrugs a shoulder and glances out the windshield. “I let old habits and listening to my head get in the way of something really special.” When he turns back to me, his eyes are a deep ocean blue and full of a fiery determination. “That won’t be happening again. I need you to trust that. Trust me.”
“I do,” I tell him. With that meaningful look on his face, I would believe in just about anything he would say. And I trust him more than I trust almost anybody, which is a bit scary seeing as how he’s only been back for one day. There has always been something about Jake that had me feeling safe and protected. I trust my gut and I trust him. He could easily break that trust and break my heart at any moment, but I don’t think he will. “I do trust that.”
Jake grips my chin with his thumb and forefinger, narrowing his eyes and inspecting my gaze as if to determine whether or not I mean what I say. When he sees that I do, he nods curtly. “Good,” he breathes out. His body leans back in the seat, looking like those few words just took the weight of the world off his shoulders.
As he’s leaned back, I catch a glimpse of the house outside the window, a small gasp escaping my mouth. “Oh my God. I can’t believe they changed the color,” I say aloud. My eyes sweep over what was once a bright yellow, cottage-style two-story building that Carter and I once called home. It’s now a dull green with a brick-red trim. Driving by it has been something Carter and I have managed to avoid over the years, but apparently my idly driving around our old neighborhood led us directly in front of the old place. Seeing the changes to our old home breaks my heart, the happiness that I experienced there seemingly covered up by the new paint and other alterations. “It’s so sad looking.”
Jake’s head whips around to look out the window. “It has zero curb appeal. I mean, look at the state of the yard,” he says offhandedly. At his comment, my eyes move away from the house, and I notice that the flower beds my mother prided herself on are overgrown with dead weeds, as is the rest of the front lawn after years of neglect. When he looks back at me, I wonder if he can read the devastation on my face because he cups my jaw and steers my gaze over to his. “This is the house you guys grew up in. The one you had to sell, isn’t it?” When I nod, he pulls me close again and rubs his hand soothingly up and down my back. “I’m sorry, Beautiful.”
I shrug in his arms, but wrap mine around him just the same. “It’s just a house.” Even as I say it I know the words are a lie. That house is so much more than that. It’s years of memories and happy times with my parents, it’s a place where I felt completely safe and accepted as who I am, and it’s a place I had hoped I would get to share with my kids someday. Now, it’s no longer a home, it’s just a cheerless building with a hideous yard. It makes me sad to think about all the laughter that had echoed around that house and is now probably buried under a bunch of dust and cobwebs.
“It’s not just a house, but I admire you trying to be brave about it.” He leans back just enough to kiss my forehead, the gesture itself along with the warmth of his lips like a soothing salve for the pain in my heart. “Just remember, they can’t paint over all the wonderful memories you have up here,” he says. His fingers lightly touch my temple before brushing through my hair. I tilt my head back slightly, blinking up at him, wanting him to kiss me so badly I can feel my lips tingling with the need for them to be connected to his.
“Jake,” I whisper, inching my mouth closer to his. I have waited for this kiss for three years, but I can’t wait any longer. Our lips barely brush before I hear our son stirring in the back seat. Instantly, I lean back, peeking over toward the back to see JJ stretching his arms and legs wide in his seat. When his eyes meet mine in the little mirror on the headrest behind him, I smile. “Hey, sweetie. Did you have a good nap?”
“Sleepy,” he says quietly before yawning. My eyes flick to the dash and I see he only got about forty minutes when normally he gets at least two hours. Bedtime should be interesting tonight. “Go home?”
“Sure, baby. We can go home,” I tell him. Buckling myself in again and pulling back onto the street, I flick my eyes over to Jake. His eyes are dim, and overall he’s looking a little sad, and I wonder if he doesn’t want this day to end either. As far as I’m concerned, this day could and should go on forever. “Would you want to come over for a bit? You could even stay for dinner if you like.”