Page 15 of With This Wish

“Already done.” I did it at two o’clock in the morning as I drank warm milk, willing my body to sleep so I wasn’t a complete zombie for today. If JJ is a little reticent to meet a stranger, my looking and acting like the walking dead certainly won’t help make him more comfortable.

“Very good. See you in two weeks,” he commanded before ending the call.

While the conversation could have gone better, it wasn’t as horrible as it could have been. My father isn’t known for his flexibility, so I’m lucky he let me off as easy as he did. I may be a thirty-year-old grown-ass man, but there’s something about him being my dad and the authoritative tone he always uses that has me retreating like I’m a kid again. With a shake of my head, I try to push that conversation aside and focus on where I’m headed.

After another few minutes of driving, the library comes into view. It’s an older brown brick building with some metal sculptures out front, but I pass it and steer into a spot in front of the small park that sits adjacent to it. I give myself one last look in the rearview, trying unsuccessfully to tame the red curls on my head and straightening my green sweater, grateful I packed it. In Maya’s text, she also mentioned that JJ is a little obsessed with the color green right now, so I dressed in as much green as I could, hoping to use anything to my advantage.

With a deep breath, I exit the car, the chilly air heightening my anxiety slightly as I make my way over to the playground. My steps falter slightly when I catch sight of Maya and JJ seated on a park bench, both bundled up in winter gear, JJ’s all green of course. Maya must have heard my boots catch on the cement because her head turns toward me, her blue eyes lighting up with relief and a hint of excitement. God, I want to kiss her again so badly, but as my eyes drift down to the little boy snuggled in her lap, I remember why I’m here and push that desire aside. For now.

Maya helps JJ to the ground and grabs hold of his hand, walking him over to me. When she gets in front of me, I open my arms for a hug and she immediately steps inside, leaning her head on my chest and wrapping her free arm around me. “Hey, Beautiful,” I murmur against her soft hair. That’s what she is and what she will always be to me—beautiful, both inside and out.

“Hey,” she whispers back. When I release her, she crouches down to JJ’s height and I follow, trying to make myself seem as small as possible so I don’t scare him away. “Hey, sweetie, this is my friend, Jake. Jake, this is JJ.” Her use of the word “friend” as well as my first name stings a bit. “Daddy” would have been my preference, but I get why she did it. Maya has no idea if I’m sticking around for the long haul, though I hope to make that a lot clearer as the days go by.

As an only child with few cousins, I haven’t been around kids much, so I’m not sure what the protocol is. “Nice to meet you, JJ.” I extend a hand, Maya’s mouth twitching at the sight before I shrug a shoulder as JJ stares at my hand like it might bite him. “It’s okay,” I tell him, pulling my hand back. I’m not going to force my attentions on him, but it guts me that he seems afraid of me. “I’m sure we’ll get to know one another a lot better soon.”

“Me too.” Maya smiles at me sadly. Her eyes dim slightly before she turns to address our son. “So, little man. What do you want to do on the playground first?”

JJ hold his arms up in the air. “Mommy swing,” he requests in his sweet voice. It’s still hard to believe that this affectionate little bundle is half mine. There’s no doubt he gets his looks from me, but it seems he got a heaping helping of kindness and light from his mother.

Maya stands and picks him up, taking him over to a row of swings that look a lot like rubber sumo diapers, and slips him into one. “Here you go, baby,” she tells him. After making sure his hands are firmly gripping the chains, she takes up a spot behind him. “Do you want to do normal or rocket launcher?”

My brow furrows in confusion at the question, but understanding dawns after JJ says, “Rocket.” With exaggerated motions, Maya pretends to gear up to boost him into outer space, calling out a countdown to launch as she pulls him back before releasing her hold on the swing. I step to the side to observe the two, enjoying it as much as possible, considering I wish I were participating myself. In my head and heart, I know that will come with time, so instead of dwelling on those feelings, I try to stay in the moment with the two of them. As she pushes him, Maya even makes rocket ship noises and laser sounds that bring a smile to my face. She’s obviously a great mom, fun and attentive, not that I expected she’d be anything else.

Maya spies me out of the corner of her eye and waves me over. When I get next to her, she leans over to me and my body automatically follows, like one magnet drawn to another. She continues to push JJ on the swing, but flicks her gaze to me. “Pretend to be some asteroids or something and crash into him,” she instructs quietly.

I pull back, raising a brow at her. If I didn’t feel out of my element before, I do now. Having no idea what she’s talking about, I ask the only possible question. “What?”

Maya chuckles lightly, smiling patiently as she gives JJ another push. “If you pretend like he’s kicked you in the face or chest, he’ll laugh.” At my incredulous look, she laughs louder. “Trust me. All kids love laughing at adults in pain. It’s just funny to them.”

“Okay,” I say dubiously, drawing out the word as I round to the front of the swing. You can do this, Jake, you can be fun. The mental pep talk helps me gather some courage to be okay acting like a total fool, and the fact that it’s all for JJ helps immensely.

“Oh, no, JJ. Here comes an asteroid field,” Maya says, nodding to me to get in front of the swing.

Moving in front of him on an upswing, I pretend to get hit in the head by his small shoe and wince with false pain. “You got me,” I say. My body spins around wildly and I clutch my eye with one hand as I rub at my forehead with the other, acting like it really hurts.

The sounds of my little boy giggling has my heart filling up with so much happiness I feel like it might burst. Needing to hear that sound again like I need my next breath, I push aside any instinct to maintain any sense of composure and repeat the action, earning an even bigger giggle from my boy and a smile from his mom. “Again,” JJ shouts happily. He claps his hands as he swings and I smile at the expression of pure joy on his face.

“You got it,” I tell him. Over and over, I pretend to get hit in the face, in the shoulder, even going so far as pretending to fall down completely, causing a giggle fit so delightful I almost wish I had stopped to get a recording of it so I could play it back. JJ’s laughter is a medicine I didn’t know I needed. It’s a balm to my soul, slowly helping to seal up the cracks in my heart that splintered the moment I realized he was mine and I hadn’t been there for him.

“All right, little man.” Maya grabs the chains and gradually slows the swing to a stop. “Let’s give the asteroids a break from all that pummeling.” She picks him up out of the swing and sets him down on the wood chips scattered around the playground. “Want to go climb to the top of the tower?”

“Tower,” he shouts happily. Running forward, he grabs my hand. I’m awestruck and so focused on the feel of his soft tiny hand in mine that I don’t move right away. JJ tugs on my fingers. “Tower,” he commands again. With I’m sure is a dopey grin on my face, I follow along as he pulls me over to the large structure on the other side of the playground.

As I glance back at Maya, she has a wide grin on her face, but her eyes are a bit misty. “Have fun, you two.” She steps over to the ladder with us but refrains from climbing up. “I’ll stay down here and keep watch for space aliens who want to try and take over your fortress.”

“Okay, Mommy.” JJ grabs the bottom rung and I automatically brace my hands next to him to catch him should he fall. As I do, I realize that even after such a short time together, I’m already so completely attached to this kid that I want to always be there to catch him, no matter what. He’s mine and I’m his, and even though the path ahead may be a little rocky and unclear, anything I must do to be with him and Maya will be worth it.

After a full ninety minutes of playing both as a threesome and just the two of us, it seems JJ is ready for lunch. By the smell of things, a possible diaper change may be in order as well. “I can run into the library to change his diaper and then we can head over to Fran’s Place for lunch if you like.” Maya bites her lower lip as she holds onto JJ. “Or, if you’d rather not…”

I still her worrying with a hand on her shoulder. “Maya.” My eyes bore into hers, trying to convey just how much I want to be there with the two of them, now and as often as she’ll allow it. “I meant what I said last night. I want as much time with the two of you as I can get.”

She sighs, looking relieved and pleased. “Okay.” She starts walking toward the library entrance and smiles at me. “I had fun this morning,” she confesses, smiling shyly for a moment before facing forward. “It was nice, having you there with us, and not just because I got a break from running around or getting wood chips thrown in my hair.”

A chuckle breaks loose from my chest and I smile at the mental picture she paints of how their park dates normally go. “It was nice being able to be there with the two of you,” I tell her. My steps halt, stopping our progress on the flagstone path for a moment. “I’d like there to be a lot more of this, if you’re willing.”

“Of course I am.” Her voice is firm and full of certainty as she cuddles our little boy tighter as his tired head lolls on her shoulder. “I want that for him.”

I brush the back of my knuckles against her smooth cheek as I gaze into her sky-blue eyes. “Just him?”

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