Page 75 of Something So Strong

Without giving it another thought, the cigarettes are midair and well on the way to hitting someone’s car bonnet. Though now I’ve thrown them away, I’m not sure what I was hoping to accomplish.

My mouth is almost instantly dry, and I start gnawing on my bitten-down fingernails.

Do I actually think not smoking will improve my chances with Jesse now? After I was a wretched human, continuously dangling a proverbial carrot in front of his face because having him pissed off and by my side, is an easier pill to swallow than slitting his throat and watching him bleed out in my arms.

Letting him in is a fate worse than death, because how can he desire someone he pities?

Pity is for starving children or a dog dying in the street. Never has a person ever uttered the words, damn, I pity that man so much I need him to fuck me.

I slam my window back down and scream. Loud.

I want it all out of me.

All the self loathing and doubt.

I’m sick to death of being numb or depressed with nothing in between.

I need a light at the end of the tunnel.

A reason to stop taunting death.

I want to trust.

To be trusted.

And be loved by somebody that I love back…

I hear Jesse’s door close and I stop breathing.

He’s so close. Two doors and a hallway feel almost insignificant compared to what we’ve been through. But they’re still there. And I hate them. We should be together. We should have always been together.

Tossing everything I have with me on the desk, I kick off my boots, flop onto my bed, bury my face in my pillow, and yell out my frustrations as loudly as I can.

Esther did nothing but talk complete and utter bullshit for the past two and a half hours. And all I wanted to do was grab her by the arms, shake her, and tell her to kindly shut the fuck up unless she had something useful to say. Which, of course, she didn’t, because I didn’t ask. I couldn’t ask. And even if she does know about Kai, it’ll never be my place to talk about it behind his back.

Hell, will it ever be my place to talk about it to his face?

Fuck me dead. It’s hard trying to figure shit out on my own.

When I found out about Saxon’s trust fund, I had Romeo to help ease the burden, but… God, I’m selfish. I don’t think Kai has ever had anyone, and here I am complaining that it’s too hard on me.

“Jesse?” a timid voice seeks from the door.

I slide off my bed into a crumpled pile on the floor. Because for what other reason than to tell me he’s leaving, would Kai come and see me?

“I heard you come back.”

Crawling to the door, I use the knob as leverage to pull myself up. On the other side, Kai is standing barefoot in a pair of the baggiest track pants I’ve ever seen, and an equally large long-sleeved t-shirt with the sleeves pulled down over his hands and bunched into his fists.

“Can I come in?” he asks softly.

“Oh, shit. Yeah, sorry.” I shake my head and back up, reaching out with my foot to kick some of the clothes on my floor to the side so he has a clear path to walk.

Shutting the door gently, I turn to where he’s standing by the desk. “Is your eye okay?”

“Did you really mean what you said today?” Kai asks, ignoring my question and staring at the floor between us. His balled hands are still clenching the excess fabric of his shirt, except now they’re pressed together just below his chin as he nervously chews on the cotton.

“Of course.” I tiptoe closer.

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