Page 74 of Something So Strong

I nod and slip my hand into my pocket as I squeeze past.

“You’re gonna be off for the rest of the day now. I hope you’re happy,” Esther rouses Kai as I solemnly walk back towards the desk in slow motion with nothing but white noise buzzing in my ears.

I’m blindly staring at the concierge computer screen when Esther lets herself into the reception area.

“Fucking hell,” she sighs. “That kid is gonna kill me one day.”

“Is he alright?” I ask meekly, still in a daze.

“Yeah, he’ll be fine. It’s just… There’s nothing neat about him. Everything is always full-blown or nothing. There’s no in between.”

I force out a dry chuckle. What else am I meant to do? It’s not like I can reply with Oh, you got that right, Esther. A gang rape will really distort your perspectives.

“Is your hand okay?” Esther asks kindly, moving to my side.

I cradle it to my chest. “Alcohol and I don’t mix sometimes.”

“It looks fresh. What did you do?”

“It was last night. It’s not bleeding, it’s just red.” I plunge it back into my pocket. “Can I take my break now?”

“Sure thing.” Esther steps back and allows me to pass. “See ya in fifty minutes.”

I stand static in the lunchroom for an indiscriminate amount of time. My thoughts, the sound of the fridge humming, the weight of the entire fucking world swirls around me at light speed like a vortex of numbness and anxiety. Despair. Concern for Kai. Utter disdain for the monsters who did this to him. Disgust for the people who weren’t there to support him when he needed it the most.

The walls are closing in on me.

I need to get out.

Snatching a coat that’s been hanging by the lockers every day since I started, I fling it over my shoulders and head outside where the bitterness of the icy wind is a refreshing and welcome juxtaposition to the sweltering fury burning inside me.

I still can’t believe I didn’t throw up.

I’m a weak fucking pussy who’s sickened by his own past. It disgusts everyone else who hears about it. Why would I be any different?

That’s why I couldn’t tell Jesse!

Fuck!

I shouldn’t have told Jesse.

But his eyes, his freckles, and his damned flushed ears made me feel like I was safe. Like I could find a home by his side. Then I fucked it up.

God knows what I’d have done if he hadn’t hit me.

I’m no better than Josh, Trevor, Sean, or Jet. And why? Because I’m a man and we only know one thing…

I catch my cheek in the mirror as I pace past the bathroom. The ice pack has stopped it from swelling too badly, but the bruise is already forming. It serves me right, though. I deserved it.

If Jesse doesn’t forgive me for this, I don’t know what I’ll do. Get the bruise tattooed permanently on my face as a reminder of how I screwed up the best thing I almost ever had? That might be a start.

My tongue rolls around my mouth in a witless attempt at self-comfort, but I’m jittering with anxiety. My stomach feels like a balloon is being blown up inside of it and just on the verge of popping. Dashing to my window, I push it up and grab my cigarettes—the loose ones shaking around inside the pack as my hand tremors.

Is this really what I need right now?

I’ve never seen Jesse smoke.

He must hate the smell on me.

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