Page 145 of Something So Strong

Whatever. I’m fine.

Reaching up, I tear the hairband from my hair. Shaking my head furiously, I scratch my scalp and head straight for the bathroom. Cupping my hands under the tap, I douse my hair with water and smooth it back.

This is the shit that actually hurts.

I’ve never worn my hair up so much in my life. I honestly don’t know how girls do it. But I do it for Kai and the attention he gives me when my neck is bare.

Usually, I take it out when I go to bed, but my lights were out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Teeth and hair brushed, I wade through the piles of clothes on my bedroom floor. I kick at one to gain access to the wardrobe and the fresh shirt Kai ironed for me. He’s practically my wifey at this point. He hangs up his favorite clothes of mine and tidies the bathroom. He straightens the desk and makes the bed but draws the line at sorting through the piles. Of course, I never asked to do any of it, so I think it’s out of love. Or he’s sick of me wearing a creased uniform to work. You decide.

Shirt in hand, I smirk at what I’ve unwittingly revealed from the pile.

Emerald green—and if I’m being truthful, far too small for me now—my Lancaster Prep Senior jersey is staring up at me.

Tossing my shirt on the bed, I pick up my jersey and run my fingers over the school emblem embroidered in maroon and black. Turning it over, I laugh at the personalized name on the back; ‘LLJJ’. Saxon wishes it was his genius, but it was all Romeo. Little Lord Jean-Jesse. Fuck, he thought he was hot shit when he came up with that.

I’d managed to keep my family life away from him and Saxon until my grandparents sent their housekeeper to collect me for Easter break because Mum and Dad were already in France. As soon as she uttered the words ‘Lord Kendrick’, my heart sank through the floor.

I wasn’t ashamed of my name or my family—not really. But Sax, Romi, and I had made a point of steering clear of the haughty, posh pricks that went to our school who thought they could rule over everyone else because they just so happened to be birthed from a lofty vagina. I wasn’t like them. I never wanted to be like them. And I was terrified that I’d lose the only real friends I’d ever known because of it.

Unluckily, instead of it being an issue for them, it became a real fucking struggle for me. Every bellend was calling me ‘LL Double-J’ like I should have been an extra on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air a week into the next term.

I run my fingers over the letters.

Kai has asked me what it means.

‘Ladies Love JJ’ had worked at the time. He laughed it off like I’m a complete idiot—which I am. I should have just told him the truth.

I still should tell him the truth, but thoughts of it leave me simmering with intrinsic self-hatred because what have I ever done to deserve it?

How do I look him in the eye, knowing what he’s been through, and say, oh, by the way, I’m technically British royalty. I can have anything in the entire world. I may as well just cut to the chase and say, bad luck, chump. You sure got the short straw. Sorry, your dad’s a dick and your mum’s a cunt. Oh, and you know all that other shit you’ve been through that messed you up mentally and ruined your life? Yeah, well, I’ve got no idea what any of that feels like. But I hope some money and expensive gifts can help you forget about it.

But… I love the guy. And if I ever tell him, I expect to hear it back. And I won’t deserve it unless he knows everything.

And whenever anyone finds out, they don’t see me anymore. They see a title, an estate, an inheritance, and a bank balance with more zeros than they can count. To hell with my degree from UCL that I got through my own hard work. They don’t just give out places willy-nilly. I put in four years of hard graft to graduate with honors, but nah, forget that. You’re gonna be a Baron unless your uncle has an illegitimate son out there somewhere. Why don’t you just kick back, relax, and get yourself a reality show?

To hell with the damn patriarchal system. Just give it to my cousin. She’ll make a better representative, anyway. She’s already married, and it’s not to a member of the same sex…

Fuck.

There, I said it.

The reason I can’t tell Kai is because of Kai.

Systemic homophobia runs deep in my world, and I’m not prepared to put him in a corner.

But how is what I’m doing any different?

Jesus Christ, Jesse, you selfish son of a bitch! You’ve fallen in love with a man—who you know is falling in love with you, too—and you know this relationship can’t exist back home.

I toss my jersey, flop onto my bed, and scream into my pillow.

I really should stop this.

But I can’t.

This is the only truly selfish thing I’ve ever done, and nothing has ever felt so right.

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